Handicapping your kids Pt. 2

Okay, I've been busy... but here's the promised part two, a few months later!

Handicapping kids socially is what we were talking about in my last post. Just think of how much our opinion of a person is based on very basic and simple information that our eyes and ears take in when we first meet them.  A person's ability to speak intelligently, to be friendly and confident, to have the courtesy to express that they understand what we are saying, to be relaxed while also well-mannered, and to know how to strike the balance between being upbeat while not being annoyingly happy, are all easily observed in the first few moments of any conversation.  These are social skills that are taught, handed down from parent to child by example.  No amount of formal education can compensate for the lack of these important skills.

One basic need of a child is to be mentally stimulated to express their creativity.  Reading books aloud, going to museums, watching interesting movies that you talk about and learn from afterwards, singing, learning a musical instrument, going out to eat in a restaurant where they have to learn to order from a foreign language menu, talking about the news headlines of the day - all of these are ways in which your child's mind is stimulated to think beyond himself.

But just teaching him or her information about the world around them is not enough.  It's how you talk with them that cements the lesson into their minds.  It's the one-on-one interaction as you listen to their comments, and answer them back lovingly and patiently. It's how you allow them to imagine, to create their own ideas and theories and treat those thoughts as valid, that teaches them that this is how we treat others. When they come up with wild and crazy thoughts about the dinosaur bones you just saw, a smart parent doesn't shoot them down as ridiculous, but allows them to expand on their ideas.  Kids need to see that even if you don't agree, you're willing to listen and give them a chance to explain their opinions.  Kindly and discreetly, you can guide them in the right direction to understand what the truth of the matter is once they are done with their fantasy.  The lesson may have been on dinosaurs, but the deeper, more lasting lesson was on how to listen and show consideration for other people's opinions.

These skills don't need to be taught in words.  Kids learn how to do it themselves.  They automatically pick up those habits of graciousness from you.  They enjoyed that kind of treatment when they had something to say, and now see no other way to treat others than in the same manner.  

And that is where the crux of social skills and good manners lies - in seeing that there is a beautiful and big world outside yourself that you can learn from and enjoy.  That means when someone you have never met is introduced to you by someone you trust, you need to be kind and friendly.  As you put others at ease around you, they will most likely enjoy your company and want to treat you kindly as well.  When others observing your conversation sense that upbeat vibe and that willingness to listen, they form a snap judgment of you based on just a glimpse of who you are, but it's a very positive one.

So the connection is:  Children who have that basic need for creative stimulation and interaction fulfilled,  become aware of the world around them.  Parents who know how to foster that love of learning with patience and consideration for their thoughts, pass on more than just head knowledge.  Children who have experienced learning through kindness and consideration, enjoy expressing themselves in the same manner.  Children with good social skills put others at ease, and reveal through their demeanor that they are intelligent, positive and creative people.

And from this, doors of opportunity open much more readily.  That could mean, teachers more willing to help them, more supportive friends, more emotionally stable, better prepared to deal with stress, more focused on reaching goals, and eventually better job choices, dating choices etc.

This is no guarantee that taking your child to museums and talking about them will cause them to grow up to be successful, but the odds of success are stacked heavily against the child who grows up with limited cultural and social interaction.

It is rare to find a child who is a pleasure to be around these days.  This is not the fault of the child, the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the parents.  A teenager that can't even listen to instructions and ask the proper questions to be sure that the job is done right is handicapped and may not go far in life.  A young girl who only sees the neighborhood of drugs and immorality as her world, doesn't even want to speak to someone from outside that invisible bubble.  In fact she doesn't know how to.

So for those children who's basic needs are ignored, who eventually does teach them culture and social skills?  You don't want to know...

 

Handicapping your kids with poor social skills

I just came across an interesting story about a man named Chris Langan - an off-the-chart genius.  He has an IQ of 197 (Einstein's was estimated around 160) and aced his SAT exam, even though he fell asleep half way through and woke up in time to finish with a perfect score.  He was speaking at 6 months old and taught himself to read at 3.  He barely showed up for high school classes, just for the tests which he would breeze through effortlessly.  In his first year of college, his enthusiastic love of calculus was frustrated by his humiliated professor, who understood much less than his teenage student.  This guy is so smart, he makes the rest of us look severely retarded.

Chris grew up in a very abusive, poverty stricken home.  He has all the brains to become the next Einstein, and find his place among the highest echelons of scientists and professors in the world, but Chris never made it even close.  Why? One reason that has been suggested is that his past somehow handicapped him in an area just as crucial as academic intelligence: lack of social skills.

It sounds too simplistic, but being unable to relate to others in a way that motivates them care for and help you, can actually speak louder than intelligence.  It makes no sense that a college with a genius for a student, wouldn't bend over backwards to find a way to keep him enrolled, and aid him to become the great academic that he was meant to be.  It seems he found ways to alienate himself, and people who should have been thrilled with him, turned their backs on him.  The smartest man in the world ended up as a construction worker, a farm hand, a deck hand on a clam boat, and even a bouncer at a bar.

Social skills aren't taught at school; they are shown by example through the people we grow up with.  Society expects us to be reasonable and considerate, but there are finer-tuned skills that can determine whether someone really does well in winning the trust of others, or, in subtle and unexplainable ways, puts people off.  This can mean a world of difference in who gets chosen for a job, gets accepted into a program, or a college, is accepted into an inner circle of friends or in a company and so on.

It's those who know how to put others at ease, who can convey sincerity and trustworthiness, who can explain their ideas and thoughts clearly and intelligently without being offensive or rude, who know how to be funny, serious, sensitive, and bold all at the right times, these are generally the kind of people that have the skills to go far in this world.  Put that together with a good amount of smarts - not genius, just smarts - and you have the basic ingredients for a successful life.

So what does this have to do with our kids?  And how do we handicap them?  It all starts in the kind of homes we have, they way we interact with them, and the activities we encourage them to enjoy on a regular basis.

Even if you live in low income housing, send them to sub-par schools, work long hours as a single parent, and are too exhausted to do much at the end of the day, there is still much you can do to either equip your children with skills for their future - or paralyze them.  It all begins with understanding one of the basic needs of your children.

What is that basic need?  Read more in the next post, coming soon....

On the alert for Fact Stackers

Interesting how kids can totally throw you off the scent of something they are doing that is not quite right.

"So why were you late coming home?" you may well ask.

"Brian got hurt and had to get stitches"

"What happened?  Did he fall?"

"Yeah, he tripped or something and then I went to find his mom."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"He was really hurt, Mom, I couldn't stop to call..."  as he wanders off to the kitchen to see what kind of snacks there are before dinner.

"So that took you two hours to find his mom?" you ask, following your distracted son.

"I dunno, can I eat this?  I'm starving..."

Something is fishy - you know that if your child's friend really smashed his face into the concrete, needing stitches and an urgent search for his mother, your child, who hates the sight of blood, would not be behaving so casually and sending signals to forget the whole subject and let him eat.

Only later, much later, do you find what you suspected.  You were scammed by a fact-stacker.  Your sweet little one did tell you truths... just conveniently ordered to create a harmless story, with significant other facts left out.

So what happened?  Your angel and the aforementioned Brian, got into an argument that turned into a fight, that led your sweet angel to try out a jujitsu trick he saw on YouTube, sending Brian face-first into the sidewalk, busting his nose and lip and screaming for revenge.  Your angel child sees blood, turns around and runs the other direction, just as Brian's mom drives around the corner in her car.  Panic ensues and your sweet angel has been hiding in the park for two hours, hoping that everyone will forget what happened.  You find out all this of course, when you call Brian's mom.

Why did he lie?  Why did he run away?  Easy.  He was scared of getting in trouble.  Why did he fight?  There could be many reasons and a combination of many reasons why he felt he had to argue, then use violence, then run, then stack his facts, and hope against hope that no one will ever find out.  Your angel is frustrated, scared, and living like a wild animal on survival mode.  He needs you to help him sort out his very complicated ten-year-old life. 

Fact stacking is interesting, because there are some people who don't outgrow it.  Adults who still feel a need to twist and rearrange the facts to make themselves look just a little better, might be forgiven if the subject was why you just ate that slice of cake.  "It was his birthday and he wanted me to."  Yeah, but you ate the cake after you said no up front, but then snuck into the kitchen for a slice when you couldn't resist it any more...

But when the subject leads to important issues of why you were found in the bar last night - "I was inviting them to church..." or why your car smells like marijuana, "It's the leather seats, I think someone threw up in the car when I loaned it to my cousin..." or why your ex-boyfriend keeps sending you messages on Facebook, "He's just a friend..." - you find yourself in the territory of the devil.  No one is as expert a fact-stacker as Satan himself.  Just read the smooth talking arguments he tried on Jesus while He was fasting in the wilderness.  

From your children to your friends, to yourself, be intolerant of this very easy trap to fall into.  Have no tolerance for stacking, twisting or hiding the facts.  "...for your Father, who sees what is done in secret will reward you."  

And now for something completely different

I just read an article that a guy wrote a few years ago about our church in Finsbury Park.  He calls himself, "The Mystery Worshipper" and visits churches all around England on a Sunday morning, and then writes reviews about them.  Apparently he had visited our main London church and had his observations about the beautiful building, the friendliness (or lack thereof) of the church staff, of the loudness of the microphones and the "patrolling" of the assistants who he called stewards.  He thought it was generally a friendly place, but strongly disliked any of the teachings on tithes and offerings.  Even though he said there were other teachings as well, he zoomed in on the giving aspect and felt it was "disturbing."

He came with some preconceptions, no doubt; he was a white English guy going to a predominantly black immigrant community church, and he didn't come with the purpose of humbling himself before God, but to add another post to his blog of reviews. I don't take everything he said as the gospel, yet there is something intriguing about this Mystery Worshipper.

We rarely get to see what our churches, our groups and even we as individuals appear to be in the eyes of others who observe us.  We like to assume that because all we do is with the best of intentions and for the noblest of causes, it covers for any mistakes we might inadvertently make.  In the eyes of God, yes, He judges us by our motives and our faith, and can bless us despite our faults.  Obviously He does or none of us would survive!

But if our lives, and our churches are to exist for the purpose of reaching out to others with the Good News, removing potential obstacles is only common sense.  We should be willing to hear what others say about their impressions, if they have the courage to do so - like this Mystery Worshipper.  An assistant ran after him as he was leaving the service to ask if he liked it.  I'm sure the man told him yes, because what else could he say to the assistant's eager face?  Most are too polite to say how horrendously we sing, or how confusing the songs or prayers are or how unwelcoming we may be (just as examples - I'm not picking on anyone.)

The more modern hip churches on the other hand, are so concerned about appearances that they have gone to extremes to be cool.  When I turn on the TV and see a guy on a black stage with a mike and tailored dress shirt with the tails out, skinny jeans and perfectly coiffed messy hair with blond highlights, a leather wrist band and a Bible, I think, this guy's trying way too hard... and change the channel.

So we can't please everyone. We can't be obsessed with appearances.  We have to say what God leads us to say whether people like it or not. We have to be sincere. That's a fact.

But there needs to be room for listening and understanding how we may be turning people off so much that they can't hear what God is saying because we stubbornly want to stick with our traditions or the idea that, "this is just the way I do things."  Who said that the way you are is the way it has to be?

Not Your Typical Mother's Day Message...

The Importance of Dads

As I watch more teenage girls wander into our churches with little babies conceived by boyfriends long-gone, I feel for them and the hard path ahead to raise these children alone.  But I feel even more for these children, born into homes with no father there who is committed to loving and raising them, no foundation of a married set of parents who will not only teach them, but show them by example how beautiful a whole family can be.

A father's presence in a home makes a world of difference in the shaping of a child's self-image, for both boys and girls.  For anyone who says that it's just fine to raise a child alone, as long as it is loved and cared for, doesn't understand that part of the love and care a child needs, is to have both a mom and dad present, active, loving, correcting and faithful to each other.  A child without a good marriage to undergird him, is  automatically born with so many obstacles to overcome as a result.

Read this portion of an article (The Involved Father) from one of the Focus on the Family's parenting experts, Glenn T. Stanton:


Fathers parent differently.
Fathering expert Dr. Kyle Pruett explains that fathers have a distinct style of communication and interaction with children. By eight weeks of age, infants can tell the difference between their mother’s and father’s interaction with them.

This diversity, in itself, provides children with a broader, richer experience of contrasting relational interactions. Whether they realize it or not, children are learning, by sheer experience, that men and women are different and have different ways of dealing with life, other adults and children. This understanding is critical for their development.

Fathers play differently.
Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air (while mother says . . . "Not so high!"). Fathers chase their children, sometimes as playful, scary "monsters."

Fathering expert John Snarey explains that children who roughhouse with their fathers learn that biting, kicking and other forms of physical violence are not acceptable.3 They learn self-control by being told when "enough is enough" and when to settle down. Girls and boys both learn a healthy balance between timidity and aggression.

Fathers build confidence.
Go to any playground and listen to the parents. Who is encouraging kids to swing or climb just a little higher, ride their bike just a little faster, throw just a little harder? Who is encouraging kids to be careful? Mothers protect and dads encourage kids to push the limits.

Either of these parenting styles by themselves can be unhealthy. One can tend toward encouraging risk without consideration of consequences. The other tends to avoid risk, which can fail to build independence and confidence. Together, they help children remain safe while expanding their experiences and increasing their confidence.

Fathers communicate differently.
A major study showed that when speaking to children, mothers and fathers are different. Mothers will simplify their words and speak on the child's level. Men are not as inclined to modify their language for the child. The mother's way facilitates immediate communication; the father's way challenges the child to expand her vocabulary and linguistic skills — an important building block of academic success.

Fathers discipline differently.
Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice, fairness and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly, teaching children the consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and sympathy, providing a sense of hopefulness. Again, either of these disciplinary approaches by themselves is not good, but together, they create a healthy, proper balance.

Fathers prepare children for the real world.
Involved dads help children see that attitudes and behaviors have consequences. For instance, fathers are more likely than mothers to tell their children that if they are not nice to others, kids will not want to play with them. Or, if they don't do well in school, they will not get into a good college or secure a desirable job. Fathers help children prepare for the reality and harshness of the world.

Fathers provide a look at the world of men.
Men and women are different. They eat differently. They dress differently. They cope with life differently. Girls and boys who grow up with a father are more familiar and secure with the curious world of men.

Girls with involved, married fathers are more likely to have healthier relationships with the opposite sex because they learn from their fathers how proper men act toward women. They know which behaviors are inappropriate.

They also have a healthy familiarity with the world of men — they don't wonder how a man's facial stubble feels or what it's like to be hugged by strong arms. This knowledge builds emotional security and safety from the exploitation of predatory males.

Boys who grow up with dads are less likely to be violent. They have their masculinity affirmed and learn from their fathers how to channel their masculinity and strength in positive ways. Fathers help sons understand proper male sexuality, hygiene and behavior in age-appropriate ways. As noted sociologist David Popenoe explains, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers — especially biological fathers — bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring."

Like the Way we Like Talk now...

Check out this great video above, sent to me  by my highly articulate son, ya know?