Friday, December 3, 2010

If Mom is well - all is well

What happens when kids are surrounded by others who don't really care that they exist?  They get really really active.  They laugh louder than necessary, they talk louder, they put on a really annoying act that they are so incredibly happy no matter what happens.  They are, in fact, trying to make themselves believe that they are happy.  Quiet and calm are irritants to these children because they are forced remember they feel rejected and unloved, and then all sorts of behavior problems can arise.  Destructive behavior, anger, aggression, depression, even young children can seek out addictions to hide the pain.

Every heard of that little problem called bi-polar?  This sense of rejection is often the spark that starts a chain reaction that eventually gets kids diagnosed and prescribed mind-numbing drugs by psychiatrists. They are told they have a "chemical imbalance" that can only be treated with psychotic drugs. What they most often have, is parental malfunction.

A few weeks ago I visited an orphanage not too far from Houston with some of the Sisterhood girls to have some fun and games with the children there.  The littlest ones just soaked up all the love and attention with eagerness.  But the 9 and up crowd were exactly as I had described.  First cold and suspicious, and then changed to become excessively loud, active, laughing, jumping, talking, shouting, as if they wanted to believe they were so very happy.  These kids were trying so hard to prove a point, their desperate attempt to appear happy was heartbreaking to witness.  They weren't really trying to prove anything to us - they were trying to prove it to themselves.

No one gives birth to an automatically happy child.  You can't say, "Wow, this one just worked out better than the other one.  I guess he's a keeper!"  Children don't just "work out."  Each has his or her own uniqueness in personality and talents, but their sense of well-being and security has to be formed by their parents.  An unhappy, fearful mother creates instability at home.

A parent that sends signals through their behavior that they resent the presence of their child creates instability, no matter how much time or monty they spend on them, no matter how often they drag them to church.  Kids are experts at finding hypocrisy in us.  If we say we love them and then roll our eyes at the fact that they actually behave like children, their antennae are up to figure out why they are so unwanted, and their hyper-switch is activated.  If mom is tired of me, maybe she'll notice me more if I'm really really loud!  What if I just say, "Hey Mom? Ya know what mom?  Mom? Hey Mom, ya know what?"  over and over every few minutes? That should make her love me more!  Still doesn't work?  Maybe if I kick my sister in the shins and smash her doll against the chair Mom will see how much I need her...

We all know how well that works.

Mothers who find help for themselves first, stand the biggest chance of ever helping their children.  Just the atmosphere at home becomes brighter when Mom is at peace, and without having to say much at all, everyone feels a whole lot happier - including Dad.  And why am I picking at poor Mom as if it's all her problem?  I'm   not.  I just know that among all the couples and families I've counseled, if Mom is truly well - all is well, and the rest can be sorted out.

19 comments:

bprenato said...
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suLmaaa said...

Good point Mrs. Evelyn! I don't have kids, but in the youth group there's a lot of teenagers that had/have these problems at home. It really helps to know more of where there attitude might come from.

Thanks,
Sulma

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Evelyn, I agree with you. Mom's play an important part at home, they lead the love and care for a family. And like you said if they are not well then most likely the home is not going to be doing good. But if they are well and strong spiritually they can surely bring a lot of blessings to her family.

Yuliana

Patricia Silva said...

It's true, if the child grows into a good family environment, safely, surely she will be a blessing!

Erika said...

Ms.Evelyn this a very helpful blog. The behaviors you list are what most kids show. Where the kids our probably tired of hearing the same loud voices of " stop that! be quiet! I say this because when kids come to the kids zone and we dont give them attention they are bouncing of the walls and when we are there teaching them and focusing on them and speaking directly to them they are like wow she noticed me. Thanks Ms.E

Edith said...

I was taking a class in psychology just for credit purposes, and even the sciences agree with problem. The mom is the closest figure to the child, the child feels the love while being inside the womb. The little kids I have babysat in the past, were exactly like this. They were in desperate need of their mom's attention, but she didn't know how to give it. I tried helping, tried teaching the little girls to at least be respectful to their mom, but it doesn't work because I can't give them the same attention they yearn from their mother to give them.

Sibon said...

I believe kids can be influenced by the environment and if the home isn't a happy home, it will affect them. Taking care of ourselves, definitely will help those kids we take care of too. When we are happy they will be happy as the happiness and joy we have will rub off on them too.

Camilla Magalhaes said...

Couldn't agree more Mrs. Evelyn. Even thought the father is the head of the household it is the mother who sets the environment in the house, besides she is the one that is always there caring for the home and the children. I've seen Bi-polar kids and youths at the church that when we talk to them, we find out that the problem always started at home.

Raquel Parras said...

"Each one has his own uniqueness in personality and talents, but their sense of well-being and security has to be formed by their parents" The mothers are responsible for everything that surrounds the child is fine now and tomorrow...***

Susana said...

Mrs. Evelyn,
I also agree about if moms are well then all is well. because it's the women who builds her house or breaks it down. As a young lady myself I want to be the woman who builds my family in the future. Thanks.

Susana Ortega
RI, USA

Gemma Leon UK said...

Very interesting to read. I totally agree with the points made as I have seen this in my own life. When we were younger and my mum was unhappy, depressed and suicidal, it gave rise to a lot of insecurity and misery within me. If a mother doesn’t sort out her own issues she will (without knowing it) pass them on to her children and the problem will be like a domino effect – spreading for generations. It is so important for a child to have stability and security because as you said, the lack of it brings about addictions, looking for love in all the wrong places, bad relationships, alcohol abuse, hanging with the wrong crowd…and a wealth of other problems. Women have this innate power to transform their household through their wisdom, strength and love. It’s amazing.

Lillian said...

This is something very true Mrs. Evelyn, and I think every mom should be aware of this. As I was growing up, I remember times when my mom was very happy and at peace, and we all were able to have a good time. But then there were those times when she was stressed, upset, annoyed and didn't want anyone around. Even though at times she wouldn't say anythingm my brother and I would automatically know to go find something to do in our rooms and stay there - unless we wanted problems.

Andisiwe Mfenguza said...

Hi Mrs Cris

This applies alot in the church as servants in the youth or sunday school, we have those few who are always making comments and calling the attention to them, but now I understand its because there is a greater need. they just want love and warmth so we as the leaders must be well enough that we can give them that love that so they can be well also.

Rebeca=) said...

Very wise words, your so in tune with kids Mrs Evelyn, your like in their little heads. I so could see this in my nephew. He could sense his mother's rejection and such so he totally would act up. I would tell her not to say in front of him the things she would but to her he couldn't understand... but he could. Thank goodness we had God to come in and save the day for my nephew David's sake.

s.hamy_ said...

These words are so strong. Words that will help to guide mothers in raising their children!!

Sabrina Durant said...

Okay so this message is for me. Because I have on many occasions seen this in my son being extra loud and seeking attention. sometimes it can become frustrating, especially when you have a lot to do. its easy to say hold on then OK what is it that you need. thank you very much.

Triana ! said...

thats so true if things arnt good with the mom everything isnt going to be sorted out and kids will want attention and Thanyou.

Sulma said...

Very interesting, i don't have a kid but what i know is the role we play around a child has a big impact on how they will live their lives. "Children Live What They Learn". In order for our kids to have the best out of life we have to be the best for them as well.

Marsha said...

Very interesting, i don't have a kid but what i know is the role we play around a child has a big impact on how they will live their lives. "Children Live What They Learn". In order for our kids to have the best out of life we have to be the best for them as well.