Monday, March 26, 2012

The women who are always right

It has been said that in the course of an average day, women speak around 6000 - 8000 words.  Men, on the other hand, speak around 2500.  That doesn't mean that we're better speakers, just more verbal.  A lot more.  

Men, on the whole, enjoy conversations that get to the point, they say what they want to say, and move on from there.  Women, enjoy painting pictures with their words, reliving events with detailed accounts, and bonding emotionally through talking to each other.  We can evoke the emotions we want from others quite skillfully through our words, and with that weapon, we can motivate others to do great things, or we can cut others deeply - it all depends on the woman. 

It's no wonder that aggression in women takes on a very different appearance than it does in men.  Bullies in school are usually the kids that push others around, threaten physical harm, are louder, stronger and scarier.  Physical aggression is not limited just to males, but much more common than in females. Guys can use their strength to demand what they want, and often do.

But female bullies exist and thrive everywhere, although they are less noticeable.  From young girls in primary school to grown women in the workplace, females know that they don't need physical strength to terrorize and manipulate others - they have the power of their very extensive command of language.  

Think of this scene in a marriage:

He walks in the door after a tough day at work.  Overwhelmed with stress, he wants to relax in the loving atmosphere of home and family to sort through the load of problems he'll have to face tomorrow in a peaceful, logical manner. 

She comes out of the kids' bathroom scowling, complaining that the sink is still leaking, and asks when he plans on fixing it.  

He groans, and says, "Later, maybe tonight," which provokes a sarcastic laugh and rolling eyes of his wife.

"That's what you said two weeks ago, I've been WAITING!!!" She says with a glare, "Honestly, it seems like you don't even care about us.  Do you know how high the water bill is going to be this month because you keep saying later?"

He tosses his things onto the sofa and says, "Okay, okay, I'll do it right now..."

The sink gets fixed, and the rest of the evening goes on, tense and unhappy.  She's waiting for an apology.  He's waiting for her to just calm down and act normal.  The only conversations held are with the kids.  Once they're in bed, he just wants his peace, and she is fuming at his self-centered attitude.  

"Tomorrow," he thinks, "I'll find a reason to stay late at work..."

He falls to sleep knowing that she is sighing and tossing next to him.  Even in her silence, she is trying to make him feel guilty, but the last thing he wants to ask is, "What's wrong?"  The last time he did that, he didn't get to sleep until four in the morning, and got accused of everything under the sun, and he just can't afford more stress with the big project coming up tomorrow.   

A marriage that keeps hanging on like this is a nightmare.  A man who is bullied and accused on a regular basis will either walk out, lash out (and get arrested for domestic violence) or just emotionally check out of the relationship.  Sure he needs to change, needs to learn how to communicate, to show he cares and all of that good stuff.  But there is no safe space where he can do that.  The moment he opens his mouth, he is attacked and made to feel guilty over and over again.  

The bully doesn't need to be bigger, stronger or louder, just a master of control.  Her superior verbal skills can dance rings around her husband's limited vocabulary.  She can appear earnest, speak calmly, cry, smile sweetly, and be cruel all at the same time.  In my counseling experience, it has been virtually impossible to get a woman like this to own up to her faults.  Maybe for the moment, in the counseling room, but as soon as she's out the door, she's back to her old self.

She is such a master of deception, in that she deceives herself. She is totally blind to the fact that she is an aggressor.  It's always his fault, or the fault of her boss, or her coworker, or whoever it is that complains about her.  She is a master of excuses, and of self-righteous tears.  But as right as she insists that she is, she'll most likely end up alone, and/or very unhappy.

For every woman in a relationship, take an honest look at yourself - are you a bully?  For every parent of a little girl - are you raising a bully?   It takes more than a superficial glance to spot one - but the frustrated relationships she leaves in her wake are a good indication.  


leanne nolan said...

It's true, there is always a time for everything, women need to remember that there is a time to talk but also a time to be quiet!

Anonymous said...

Wow this is so deep. I can admit to at times being a bully with my words. I have praised myself for having a good command of the English language as its my favourite subject, but this makes me now think about the way I speak in a different way. Reading this blog, I scowled at the woman who was mean to her husband, and always downgrading him. I don't have a husband or even a boyfriend, but I am quite capable of being like this with my brother and sister when they hurt me.
That's not the way I should be. I did notice it wasn't nice and I would feel guilty afterwards, but I want to make sure I don't even behave like that in the first place.
Women have a lot of power in their tongue. Thank you for this!

Sandra Rosario said...

This is a very interesting eye opener. It's a matter of emotions verses inteligence. The woman can fool herself into believing that because of how she's feeling she is the victim in the situation but if you look at it at another angle she is actually adding to the problem. As women we have to pray for wisdom and fight harder to not allow our hearts(emotions) to decieve us.

tania said...

Dear Mrs Evelyn, I totally agree. I am not a many words person, but even so, once in a blue moon, I can get into speaking a lot when I have to correct my teen daughter. I just thank God that she listens without falling asleep... :)
But I do not make it a constant thing, as I am aware of its negative side. And this message just strengthens my decision to stop doing that.

Lungi Motsamai said...

Dear Mrs Everlyn
Thank you I have learned a lot out of the message.This will help in my future not only that,but to communicate effectively.I will treasure this.
Kind Regards

mo said...

Dear Mrs Evelyn
This is a treasure that will help me in the future so i cherish it.

Carmen Madiba said...

Dear Mrs Evelyn,

I'm not married, neither in a relationship but I recognised that I have been a bully, of course, unconsciously. I don't want to continue to be one. I have being a bully with my parents, with my ex-boyfriend and even with my brother and it doesn't feel good to be one. I don't want to take this attitude/behaviour into my next relationship for this reason I will pay more attention to what comes out of my mouth and my body language/ manners.

Thank you very much. This was a wakeup call.

Xoli Khumalo said...

Great message, indeed the bible says the power of life and death is in the tongue and also that where there are too much words, sin is present, unfortunately in saying a lot of things we end up destroying more than building.

Tamara Awarieta said...

I used to be a bully to my ex partner but when I started attending the church I changed my attitude and behaviour. We are not together but we have a better relationship.

Thank you for this message Mrs Tania.

Miss Tara J. said...


Yes I too can admit to being guilty of always trying to be right. I never attributed it to having a bully mentality but I see now that this is true. I think this is especially true sometimes the more educated we are. Our confidence from learning gives us a false sense of pride leading us to believe we are right & bullying others because we think we know better than them. I am happy to learn about humility as difficult as it is. Thank u & God bless.

Boitumelo Ruth Dikole said...

This message is an eye opener. we women are emotional beings but the problem is when we let this emotions define who we are. as women we have to pray for wisdom and fight harder and not be defined by emotions. Thank you Mrs Evelyn- God bless!

thevwoman said...

This is so very true what you are saying here about women an the power will hold. With us, it doesn't even matter sometimes what we say, it's how we say it. I didn't realise just how selfish and hurtful I could be when I first got married. I just thought he a man, he can take it, let me say what needs to be said because I'm just telling the truth etc... not realising that I was causing problems in the marriage that didn't need to be there. I was hurting him with my words but as long as I got it out and I felt better it was fine. Now I have learnt how wrong I was I have had to change the way I speak, like a normal person still getting my point across and it has been a blessing for my marriage and for me.

Thank you Mrs Evenlyn

Anonymous said...

Hi Mrs Evelyn. Thank you for opening our minds on this as women. I believe that we really need to know how far we can go with our bad sides so we are able to deal with the problems related to them. Like in talking, being more verbal than men, we have the tendency to depreciate the value of kindness in words when we are all hyped up, wanting to be heard for all the Right things we know. And then we just talk our hearts out! oh, how I remember myself before when I lacked maturity. Thanks you for this valuable insight! -UCKG PHIL MELODY HABLA

cphosethu said...

Dear Mrs Evelyn...the problem with us women, we lack humbleness and meekness and we always want to be heard regardless of the situation...this is the reason some husbands run to other womens' arms and cheats on his wife....many times women are pushing husbands away with their attitudes