The Happy Misfit

Handicapping your kids with poor social skills

2012-01-03T13:30:00.001-06:00

I just came across an interesting story about a man named Chris Langan - an off-the-chart genius. He has an IQ of 197 (Einstein's was estimated around 160) and aced his SAT exam, even though he fell asleep half way through and woke up in time to finish with a perfect score. He was speaking at 6 months old and taught himself to read at 3. He barely showed up for high school classes, just for the tests which he would breeze through effortlessly. In his first year of college, his enthusiastic love of calculus was frustrated by his humiliated professor, who understood much less than his teenage student. This guy is so smart, he makes the rest of us look severely retarded.

Chris grew up in a very abusive, poverty stricken home. He has all the brains to become the next Einstein, and find his place among the highest echelons of scientists and professors in the world, but Chris never made it even close. Why? One reason that has been suggested is that his past somehow handicapped him in an area just as crucial as academic intelligence: lack of social skills.

It sounds too simplistic, but being unable to relate to others in a way that motivates them care for and help you, can actually speak louder than intelligence. It makes no sense that a college with a genius for a student, wouldn't bend over backwards to find a way to keep him enrolled, and aid him to become the great academic that he was meant to be. It seems he found ways to alienate himself, and people who should have been thrilled with him, turned their backs on him. The smartest man in the world ended up as a construction worker, a farm hand, a deck hand on a clam boat, and even a bouncer at a bar.

Social skills aren't taught at school; they are shown by example through the people we grow up with. Society expects us to be reasonable and considerate, but there are finer-tuned skills that can determine whether someone really does well in winning the trust of others, or, in subtle and unexplainable ways, puts people off. This can mean a world of difference in who gets chosen for a job, gets accepted into a program, or a college, is accepted into an inner circle of friends or in a company and so on.

It's those who know how to put others at ease, who can convey sincerity and trustworthiness, who can explain their ideas and thoughts clearly and intelligently without being offensive or rude, who know how to be funny, serious, sensitive, and bold all at the right times, these are generally the kind of people that have the skills to go far in this world. Put that together with a good amount of smarts - not genius, just smarts - and you have the basic ingredients for a successful life.

So what does this have to do with our kids? And how do we handicap them? It all starts in the kind of homes we have, they way we interact with them, and the activities we encourage them to enjoy on a regular basis.

Even if you live in low income housing, send them to sub-par schools, work long hours as a single parent, and are too exhausted to do much at the end of the day, there is still much you can do to either equip your children with skills for their future - or paralyze them. It all begins with understanding one of the basic needs of your children.

What is that basic need? Read more in the next post, coming soon....

On the alert for Fact Stackers

2011-12-31T01:48:00.000-06:00

Interesting how kids can totally throw you off the scent of something they are doing that is not quite right.

"So why were you late coming home?" you may well ask.

"Brian got hurt and had to get stitches"

"What happened? Did he fall?"

"Yeah, he tripped or something and then I went to find his mom."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"He was really hurt, Mom, I couldn't stop to call..." as he wanders off to the kitchen to see what kind of snacks there are before dinner.

"So that took you two hours to find his mom?" you ask, following your distracted son.

"I dunno, can I eat this? I'm starving..."

Something is fishy - you know that if your child's friend really smashed his face into the concrete, needing stitches and an urgent search for his mother, your child, who hates the sight of blood, would not be behaving so casually and sending signals to forget the whole subject and let him eat.

Only later, much later, do you find what you suspected. You were scammed by a fact-stacker. Your sweet little one did tell you truths... just conveniently ordered to create a harmless story, with significant other facts left out.

So what happened? Your angel and the aforementioned Brian, got into an argument that turned into a fight, that led your sweet angel to try out a jujitsu trick he saw on YouTube, sending Brian face-first into the sidewalk, busting his nose and lip and screaming for revenge. Your angel child sees blood, turns around and runs the other direction, just as Brian's mom drives around the corner in her car. Panic ensues and your sweet angel has been hiding in the park for two hours, hoping that everyone will forget what happened. You find out all this of course, when you call Brian's mom.

Why did he lie? Why did he run away? Easy. He was scared of getting in trouble. Why did he fight? There could be many reasons and a combination of many reasons why he felt he had to argue, then use violence, then run, then stack his facts, and hope against hope that no one will ever find out. Your angel is frustrated, scared, and living like a wild animal on survival mode. He needs you to help him sort out his very complicated ten-year-old life.

Fact stacking is interesting, because there are some people who don't outgrow it. Adults who still feel a need to twist and rearrange the facts to make themselves look just a little better, might be forgiven if the subject was why you just ate that slice of cake. "It was his birthday and he wanted me to." Yeah, but you ate the cake after you said no up front, but then snuck into the kitchen for a slice when you couldn't resist it any more...

But when the subject leads to important issues of why you were found in the bar last night - "I was inviting them to church..." or why your car smells like marijuana, "It's the leather seats, I think someone threw up in the car when I loaned it to my cousin..." or why your ex-boyfriend keeps sending you messages on Facebook, "He's just a friend..." - you find yourself in the territory of the devil. No one is as expert a fact-stacker as Satan himself. Just read the smooth talking arguments he tried on Jesus while He was fasting in the wilderness.

From your children to your friends, to yourself, be intolerant of this very easy trap to fall into. Have no tolerance for stacking, twisting or hiding the facts. "...for your Father, who sees what is done in secret will reward you."

And now for something completely different

2011-12-23T13:17:00.000-06:00

I just read an article that a guy wrote a few years ago about our church in Finsbury Park. He calls himself, "The Mystery Worshipper" and visits churches all around England on a Sunday morning, and then writes reviews about them. Apparently he had visited our main London church and had his observations about the beautiful building, the friendliness (or lack thereof) of the church staff, of the loudness of the microphones and the "patrolling" of the assistants who he called stewards. He thought it was generally a friendly place, but strongly disliked any of the teachings on tithes and offerings. Even though he said there were other teachings as well, he zoomed in on the giving aspect and felt it was "disturbing."

He came with some preconceptions, no doubt; he was a white English guy going to a predominantly black immigrant community church, and he didn't come with the purpose of humbling himself before God, but to add another post to his blog of reviews. I don't take everything he said as the gospel, yet there is something intriguing about this Mystery Worshipper.

We rarely get to see what our churches, our groups and even we as individuals appear to be in the eyes of others who observe us. We like to assume that because all we do is with the best of intentions and for the noblest of causes, it covers for any mistakes we might inadvertently make. In the eyes of God, yes, He judges us by our motives and our faith, and can bless us despite our faults. Obviously He does or none of us would survive!

But if our lives, and our churches are to exist for the purpose of reaching out to others with the Good News, removing potential obstacles is only common sense. We should be willing to hear what others say about their impressions, if they have the courage to do so - like this Mystery Worshipper. An assistant ran after him as he was leaving the service to ask if he liked it. I'm sure the man told him yes, because what else could he say to the assistant's eager face? Most are too polite to say how horrendously we sing, or how confusing the songs or prayers are or how unwelcoming we may be (just as examples - I'm not picking on anyone.)

The more modern hip churches on the other hand, are so concerned about appearances that they have gone to extremes to be cool. When I turn on the TV and see a guy on a black stage with a mike and tailored dress shirt with the tails out, skinny jeans and perfectly coiffed messy hair with blond highlights, a leather wrist band and a Bible, I think, this guy's trying way too hard... and change the channel.

So we can't please everyone. We can't be obsessed with appearances. We have to say what God leads us to say whether people like it or not. We have to be sincere. That's a fact.

But there needs to be room for listening and understanding how we may be turning people off so much that they can't hear what God is saying because we stubbornly want to stick with our traditions or the idea that, "this is just the way I do things." Who said that the way you are is the way it has to be?

Not Your Typical Mother's Day Message...

2011-05-05T10:42:00.001-05:00

The Importance of Dads

2011-01-13T14:04:00.000-06:00

As I watch more teenage girls wander into our churches with little babies conceived by boyfriends long-gone, I feel for them and the hard path ahead to raise these children alone. But I feel even more for these children, born into homes with no father there who is committed to loving and raising them, no foundation of a married set of parents who will not only teach them, but show them by example how beautiful a whole family can be.

A father's presence in a home makes a world of difference in the shaping of a child's self-image, for both boys and girls. For anyone who says that it's just fine to raise a child alone, as long as it is loved and cared for, doesn't understand that part of the love and care a child needs, is to have both a mom and dad present, active, loving, correcting and faithful to each other. A child without a good marriage to undergird him, is automatically born with so many obstacles to overcome as a result.

Read this portion of an article (The Involved Father) from one of the Focus on the Family's parenting experts, Glenn T. Stanton:

Fathers parent differently.
Fathering expert Dr. Kyle Pruett explains that fathers have a distinct style of communication and interaction with children. By eight weeks of age, infants can tell the difference between their mother’s and father’s interaction with them.

This diversity, in itself, provides children with a broader, richer experience of contrasting relational interactions. Whether they realize it or not, children are learning, by sheer experience, that men and women are different and have different ways of dealing with life, other adults and children. This understanding is critical for their development.

Fathers play differently.
Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air (while mother says . . . "Not so high!"). Fathers chase their children, sometimes as playful, scary "monsters."

Fathering expert John Snarey explains that children who roughhouse with their fathers learn that biting, kicking and other forms of physical violence are not acceptable.3 They learn self-control by being told when "enough is enough" and when to settle down. Girls and boys both learn a healthy balance between timidity and aggression.

Fathers build confidence.
Go to any playground and listen to the parents. Who is encouraging kids to swing or climb just a little higher, ride their bike just a little faster, throw just a little harder? Who is encouraging kids to be careful? Mothers protect and dads encourage kids to push the limits.

Either of these parenting styles by themselves can be unhealthy. One can tend toward encouraging risk without consideration of consequences. The other tends to avoid risk, which can fail to build independence and confidence. Together, they help children remain safe while expanding their experiences and increasing their confidence.

Fathers communicate differently.
A major study showed that when speaking to children, mothers and fathers are different. Mothers will simplify their words and speak on the child's level. Men are not as inclined to modify their language for the child. The mother's way facilitates immediate communication; the father's way challenges the child to expand her vocabulary and linguistic skills — an important building block of academic success.

Fathers discipline differently.
Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice, fairness and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly, teaching children the consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and sympathy, providing a sense of hopefulness. Again, either of these disciplinary approaches by themselves is not good, but together, they create a healthy, proper balance.

Fathers prepare children for the real world.
Involved dads help children see that attitudes and behaviors have consequences. For instance, fathers are more likely than mothers to tell their children that if they are not nice to others, kids will not want to play with them. Or, if they don't do well in school, they will not get into a good college or secure a desirable job. Fathers help children prepare for the reality and harshness of the world.

Fathers provide a look at the world of men.
Men and women are different. They eat differently. They dress differently. They cope with life differently. Girls and boys who grow up with a father are more familiar and secure with the curious world of men.

Girls with involved, married fathers are more likely to have healthier relationships with the opposite sex because they learn from their fathers how proper men act toward women. They know which behaviors are inappropriate.

They also have a healthy familiarity with the world of men — they don't wonder how a man's facial stubble feels or what it's like to be hugged by strong arms. This knowledge builds emotional security and safety from the exploitation of predatory males.

Boys who grow up with dads are less likely to be violent. They have their masculinity affirmed and learn from their fathers how to channel their masculinity and strength in positive ways. Fathers help sons understand proper male sexuality, hygiene and behavior in age-appropriate ways. As noted sociologist David Popenoe explains, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers — especially biological fathers — bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring."

Like the Way we Like Talk now...

2010-12-27T19:11:00.002-06:00

Check out this great video above, sent to me by my highly articulate son, ya know?

The Teenage Brain

2010-12-25T00:36:00.001-06:00

Here's an interesting clip from an article I found on the Harvard Magazine online. It helps to explain why some kids can seem so smart and act so... well, unsmart. Your teenagers lack of judgement isn't always because they're just plain irresponsible or that they don't care, it could very well be the fact that their brain hasn't yet developed to full capacity and shouldn't be entrusted with many adult tasks quite yet. For you hovering moms that just can't stop watching and making sure your child is well and safe, here's some proof that your instincts just may be more on target than everyone tells you.

Your teenage daughter gets top marks in school, captains the debate team, and volunteers at a shelter for homeless people. But while driving the family car, she text-messages her best friend and rear-ends another vehicle.

How can teens be so clever, accomplished, and responsible—and reckless at the same time? Easily, according to two physicians at Children’s Hospital Boston and Harvard Medical School (HMS) who have been exploring the unique structure and chemistry of the adolescent brain. “The teenage brain is not just an adult brain with fewer miles on it,” says Frances E. Jensen, a professor of neurology. “It’s a paradoxical time of development. These are people with very sharp brains, but they’re not quite sure what to do with them.”

Research during the past 10 years, powered by technology such as functional magnetic resonance imaging, has revealed that young brains have both fast-growing synapses and sections that remain unconnected. This leaves teens easily influenced by their environment and more prone to impulsive behavior, even without the impact of souped-up hormones and any genetic or family predispositions.

There are also gender differences in brain development. As Drs. Urion and Jensen explain, the part of our brain that processes information expands during childhood and then begins to thin, peaking in girls at roughly 12 to 14 years old and in boys about two years later. This suggests that girls and boys may be ready to absorb challenging material at different stages, and that schools may be missing opportunities to reach them.

Raising Boys

2010-12-14T20:34:00.000-06:00

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that girls think, act and develop very differently than boys. But with the increasing number of fatherless homes, many boys are being raised by mothers who are completely baffled by the problems they encounter in raising their sons. A few US based statistics I came across are alarming:

Boys are four times more likely to commit suicide than girls.
67% of all special education students are boys.
71% of school suspensions are given to boys.
Boys are ten times more likely to be diagnosed with ADD.

Boys are falling behind in school aptitude tests compared to girls, and high school dropouts are overwhelmingly boys.

But one thing we won't see, are boys openly talking about how they feel neglected, overlooked, rejected, misunderstood. And we'll never see that, because that kind of open expression is not a part of their make-up. Call it programming by society, but I believe it's a part of the way God created the male gender to be less emotive than females.

Boys can easily hide depression and low self-esteem under a tough exterior that can fool their own family. That's when you see outbursts of irrational anger, violent, aggressive or excessively sexual behavior appear from the creature that used to be that sweet little boy. When the frustrations keep growing, there has to be some sort of outlet, and most of the time it's negative.

But these are the young men that God created to lead and provide for families, to be innovators, creators of new ideas, conquerors of unknown territories. They are made the way they are, for a good reason, but they need to be understood and nurtured with their different needs in mind.

I know it's impossible to generalize, but I am going to anyway, because most, (not all) but most boys are kinetic or spatial learners. That's fancy psycho-talk for the fact that boys love to learn things hands-on and see for themselves just how things work.

Trying to force a kinetic child to learn by memorizing a text book over and over may get them to pass a test, but won't necessarily get them to remember any of it the next day. But make it come alive by actually doing something about it with their hands, and seeing it work, and the practical lesson becomes unforgettable.

Teaching times tables by memorizing numbers was the way I was forced to do it, but my kids had a blast when I opened up a box of macaroni and separated them into groups and had them show me what 9x7 really looked like. We'd talk about when you would need to know these answers in real life, and then the memorization of the cold facts became much more fun and easier. I had to use my musical skills to come up with a funny tune to each times table, which I find myself using even now after all these years!

Teach about the rotation of the earth and the tilt of it's axis and use a flashlight and an orange, use a ping pong ball for the moon, and start spinning through space. It's fun and it registers in his memory and best of all he knows you're right there with him in it all. A boy who normally acts like he doesn't care about anything could all of a sudden show amazing ability when a neighborhood friend teaches him how to repair a car, how to work out a computer program, how to build or create something on his own.

Boys also often need a brain break where they can run off their energy, kick a ball around, get all out of breath and pump themselves up with oxygen, before they can hit the books again to finish their work. If they are told to go straight to their rooms after school to finish their homework, though some might do just fine, others will stare at the walls because they need a brain break and a good shot of oxygen. Then mom yells at them for being lazy and irresponsible, then they hate school even more, then they're compared to their disgustingly perfect sister who gets straight A's, then they're convinced they must be stupid and worthless and before you know it they're taking out their frustrations in very negative ways.

There are many more differences between raising boys and girls, and this is just one. Give me your ideas, and I'll be sharing mine too.

Negotiating the Peace

2010-12-10T15:31:00.000-06:00

One thing you realize fast when you become a parent, is that kids' minds are spinning at top speed from the moment they can walk. They want things, they have their own ideas, their own will, their own likes and dislikes. When they want things, they want them NOW and will insist until you either make it absolutely clear they cannot have it, or until you back down and give them what they want. As soon as that is over, they start wanting something else.

Kids are relentless, and are skilled negotiators. I found myself having to convince my 2 year old that his ducky pajamas were not the right clothes to wear to the store. It was a battle of wills and I had to do a lot of quick thinking and be strong to stand my ground against his protests. I knew that to get him to comply, I'd have to appear as if I was giving in to his desires in some way. I'd have to give him choices - all of which had to be agreeable to me.

"Either your favorite blue jeans, or your overalls, or your grey shorts."

"NOOOOooooo!! I want ducky pjs!"

"But remember your Grandma gave you these shorts? They came from New Jersey!" said with awe and amazement as if New Jersey was paradise.

He pauses and then decides that shorts from New Jersey are the coolest thing ever and agrees. Now for the shirt, the socks, the sneakers. There always have to be bargaining chips on the table:

"You have to wear the blue sneakers, but then I'll let you take your water-gun in the car."

He wants the beat up old red ones? Then forget the water-gun. I speak as if the US Constitution itself dictates that old red sneakers can never be worn if you want to bring a water-gun in the car to the store. It's just not done. He sees there is no way around it, and even agrees to a clause: the water-gun can come, but without any water. But now the shirt is a problem.

I sneakily choose one shirt that I like, and then quickly put it back, and say, "No, no, not that one."

Immediately he shouts, "That one! That one! I want that one!"

I hesitate, act uncertain, continue listening to him beg, and finally give in as if I had never wanted him to wear it in the first place. He is triumphant. He puts it on as if it had been his idea all along, and at this point the ducky pajama's are so old news.

I'm a bit worn out by the whole ordeal, but at least I have a decently dressed child who is in a happy mood and ready to go to the store. This scenario will play out over and over again through many and various situations.

How is this better than just demanding he or she does whatever you want them to do? They feel grateful that they have a say in the little things in life that are their own, while you are still the authority in charge that has the last word.

Single Mom Syndrome

2010-12-06T19:26:00.001-06:00

Have you ever noticed that the term "single mother" has now become almost synonymous with the word, "hero"? I talk to a lot of different women every week and have seen that label thrown out on the table like an ace of spades, proving a point about how tough their life is. It's as if to say, "You can't say ANYTHING against me now!"

I'm sure it's tough. Kids weren't meant to be raised alone, and a job that's hard enough for two parents is of course doubly hard for one struggling alone. But I have come to know my share of women who will keep a messy, unkempt house, feed their children fatty processed foods, and find ways to go out partying on the weekends who freely use that label with pride. Not quite my perception of a hero.

We could be talking about something totally unrelated:

"So have you been praying every day about that new job that you're hoping for?" I might ask.
"Well, I'm a single mother, I don't have time to just take out and pray like other women." ("Other women" spoken as if she were spitting darts...)

"Will I see you this Sunday morning for the special anointing of the family?"
"I don't know, my son's team is playing that afternoon and it's hard to get everyone organized to go to both church and the game on the same day. I'm a single mom you know..."
Yes, I know, you told me last time...

Curious, isn't it, that women have fought so hard for sexual freedom, to remove the stigma of having children out of wedlock, to be unhindered in changing from partner to partner, to end up as single mothers as a result, and then demand to be set on a pedestal?

Yes, there are the widows, and the divorced women who really gave it their best and tried to keep their marriage together but ended up alone. I wouldn't think of lumping all single mothers into one category, just like I would never imagine that their life was easy. But I've noticed that women who want to be viewed as saints only by virtue of the fact that they have children and no spouse, are becoming more commonplace, causing me to have less pity on anyone who tries to impress me by flashing that trump card.

Life is tough in general, and for those who have faith, God gives grace and opens doors that we can't for ourselves.

So you're a single mother? I'm a married one - one more mouth to feed, clothes to clean and voice to listen to. I have to submit and follow and I've had to learn to adjust to the personality and gender differences that come with marriage and I've done it for over two decades. It would be ridiculous for me to go around boasting about how I'm a "married mother," but I suppose if you sit down and think about all the pluses and minuses of anyone's life, you could come up with a "hero" anywhere you look if you tried hard enough.

My guess is that many of these young women keep their label well displayed because they are unhappy and would like something - anything, to make them feel better about themselves. And with God, that unhappiness can definitely be changed and their lives transformed. But first, can't we just throw away the labels?

If Mom is well - all is well

2010-12-04T01:28:00.000-06:00

What happens when kids are surrounded by others who don't really care that they exist? They get really really active. They laugh louder than necessary, they talk louder, they put on a really annoying act that they are so incredibly happy no matter what happens. They are, in fact, trying to make themselves believe that they are happy. Quiet and calm are irritants to these children because they are forced remember they feel rejected and unloved, and then all sorts of behavior problems can arise. Destructive behavior, anger, aggression, depression, even young children can seek out addictions to hide the pain.

Every heard of that little problem called bi-polar? This sense of rejection is often the spark that starts a chain reaction that eventually gets kids diagnosed and prescribed mind-numbing drugs by psychiatrists. They are told they have a "chemical imbalance" that can only be treated with psychotic drugs. What they most often have, is parental malfunction.

A few weeks ago I visited an orphanage not too far from Houston with some of the Sisterhood girls to have some fun and games with the children there. The littlest ones just soaked up all the love and attention with eagerness. But the 9 and up crowd were exactly as I had described. First cold and suspicious, and then changed to become excessively loud, active, laughing, jumping, talking, shouting, as if they wanted to believe they were so very happy. These kids were trying so hard to prove a point, their desperate attempt to appear happy was heartbreaking to witness. They weren't really trying to prove anything to us - they were trying to prove it to themselves.

No one gives birth to an automatically happy child. You can't say, "Wow, this one just worked out better than the other one. I guess he's a keeper!" Children don't just "work out." Each has his or her own uniqueness in personality and talents, but their sense of well-being and security has to be formed by their parents. An unhappy, fearful mother creates instability at home.

A parent that sends signals through their behavior that they resent the presence of their child creates instability, no matter how much time or monty they spend on them, no matter how often they drag them to church. Kids are experts at finding hypocrisy in us. If we say we love them and then roll our eyes at the fact that they actually behave like children, their antennae are up to figure out why they are so unwanted, and their hyper-switch is activated. If mom is tired of me, maybe she'll notice me more if I'm really really loud! What if I just say, "Hey Mom? Ya know what mom? Mom? Hey Mom, ya know what?" over and over every few minutes? That should make her love me more! Still doesn't work? Maybe if I kick my sister in the shins and smash her doll against the chair Mom will see how much I need her...

We all know how well that works.

Mothers who find help for themselves first, stand the biggest chance of ever helping their children. Just the atmosphere at home becomes brighter when Mom is at peace, and without having to say much at all, everyone feels a whole lot happier - including Dad. And why am I picking at poor Mom as if it's all her problem? I'm not. I just know that among all the couples and families I've counseled, if Mom is truly well - all is well, and the rest can be sorted out.

Dogs in Space and Annoying Children

2010-12-01T12:01:00.000-06:00

I knew a mother of four who insisted that she never praised her children, otherwise they would become proud. She made a point to tell them everything they did wrong to keep them humble. Her children are grown now, and humble is not a word that would describe any of them.

Another woman had a mother who was always telling her she was so pretty, so wonderful, so perfect, but wouldn't take the time to help her buy appropriate clothes as her body changed and developed with adolescence. The praise was meaningless if her mother didn't value her enough to spend time or money on this perfect daughter of hers.

Fake praise is like no praise, and when we receive no praise at all, we can turn into irrational creatures.

Most of the really irritating children that you know, are just desperate for attention. We criticize them for it, and yet if they were given the attention they truly needed, they would become much happier little people. The contradiction is, that when they misbehave and act annoying, the last thing you want to do is give them attention! You'd rather lock them in the basement until they fall asleep because they're so unbearable.

But just like a crying baby, that child is lacking an essential need, and even if he gets punished for his behavior, he'll keep it up because he craves any form of attention, even if it's negative. And if the annoying child happens to be yours, you've got your work cut out for you.

"But I give him plenty of attention!" you may say in exasperation. But perhaps the type of attention you think is enough, is not what he needs. Every child needs personal time alone with mom or dad, just to bond. They need to talk about all the crazy little thoughts that come into their mind and be heard and still loved even so. They need you to respond to their crazy thoughts as if they weren't crazy, to help them sort through the whirlwind of ideas that blows through their mind every day. Here's one example:

"So mom, like if our house turned into a space rocket and we found out that aliens were living in our basement, would dad be able to fight them even though he doesn't have a gun? And then if we blasted off into space, how would we breathe? And do dogs ever go to space?" Etc., etc.

If your default response is, "Why are you wasting my time with these stupid questions? Do your homework, and look at the mess in your room," you are on your way to creating a really annoying child. The questions will never end, and behavior problems will increase. I know, serious discussions about dogs in space are not what you planned on when you became a mother, but welcome to reality!

Smile, listen, talk, hear all that they have to say with patience, give suggestionanswer them with reassurances that no matter what disaster they can imagine strikes, that you will all be just fine because God is watching over you. Give them hugs and kisses, tell them how smart they are, what an amazing imagination they have, and how proud you are that they are growing so well. Also once you are done, thank them that they will now quietly go to their room and clean up and finish their homework for the night because they are so good and smart and strong. It's amazing how just taking that amount of your precious time out of your day can be returned to you in the form of a calmer, happier, more obedient child who wants to please you even more.

Of course there is a time they need to be quiet and get their work done and to respect your need for quiet as well, but if their basic need for your undivided attention and sincere praise isn't met a few times during the day, though you punish and criticize them, but you will never have a peaceful child under your roof.

My youngest is 12, and he still needs those moments, but the reward of a loving son who is a joy to have around is worth all the effort. Don't know what to say when asked about aliens in your basement? Email me to receive expert advice...

The Exasperated Teacher

2010-09-29T14:29:00.001-05:00

"You're such a pain in the neck. You drive me crazy."

"I can't believe how stupid you are, you're an embarrassment."

I've actually heard parents speak this way to their children. Nice parents who vow that they love their kids and want the best for them. They are baffled that no matter how harsh they make their punishments, their child still misbehaves.

Then there are the silent messages parents can send. Angry expressions on their faces, looks of derision, exasperated sighs, rolling eyes .... funny, the same obnoxious behavior we hate in rebellious teenagers. I wonder where those teens picked that up?

There are times that your child misbehaves deliberately, out of spite or anger. That requires swift and forceful discipline because a spirit of rebellion is rising up inside of him. But there are many more times that your child doesn't obey which has nothing to do with being bad or selfish. It's not an issue of character, but of maturity. They are learning how to balance impulses and feelings with rational thought. And we all know that impulses win out most of the time when we're young - which of us doesn't still struggle with that even now?

Here's an example to think about: Ben loves cars, trucks, boats - anything with an engine. His teacher has been shouting at the class all day because kids are acting up. Ben wants to do well in school, and likes getting good grades. But today the teacher's voice sounds like a loud angry fog horn. Without realizing, her monotone yelling has become so irritating to listen to and his mind deals with it by treating her voice like meaningless background noise. He's quietly sitting at his desk when he suddenly sees out the window, a steam roller making it's way down the street. It is the coolest most amazing piece of machinery he has ever seen, and for the first time in an hour, his mind is alive and alert. The giant roller flattening out the fresh asphalt, the sound, the movement of the construction crew - it's a science lesson right in front of his eyes and he doesn't want to miss a thing. He leans over and doesn't even hear the sound of Mrs. Perkin's voice getting louder as she walks right up to his desk. He is rudely awakened by her angry face in his, threatening to send him to detention.

From a frustrated teacher's point of view, she has lessons that need to be taught, and no one wants to listen. If she raises her voice and threatens, and they get quiet for a moment. But like little demons, they just pick up their conversations again and drive her crazy. She has lost control of her class, and needs someone to punish. Ben is quiet and will give the least resistance, so she goes right after him to make him an example to the rest, and more that anything, make her feel comforted that at least she's doing something about this exasperating problem.

At that moment, what happens inside of Ben? Scientists say that a child's mind switches into survival mode when he or she feels frightened, threatened or shocked. It's like the frontal lobe of their brain goes dim for about 20 minutes. They can't think, they can't concentrate, they can't learn. They just react by doing whatever it takes to ensure that shock doesn't happen again. But have they learned their lesson? Will they be sure never to make that mistake again? If that is the only form of correction they receive, chances are - no.

If this is the road his teachers and parents continue down, Ben will become convinced that he is bad, a scatter-brain, inferior, dumb. Something inside him also knows that he really isn't all that bad and may try to react angrily against this unfair treatment. Ben can easily become rebellious and turn into the slacker that can't get anything right.

So what's the solution? Wise parents and teachers learn to use the power of praise and encouragement to bring out the best in their kids. They know how to correct wrong behavior while always letting the child know that they love and value him or her. They balance out their discipline by reinforcing the things that they do appreciate in their child, even if it's something small and seemingly unimportant. For their child, any praise when they've just been disciplined is so very important. When that happens, that state of shock quickly fades and they can go back to concentrating and learning.

Our kids futures are too precious to waste on our own impulsive anger issues. If we want to fix our kids, we need to fix ourselves. Watch this space for more good tips...

Carried in Our Father's Arms

2010-09-14T20:35:00.002-05:00

Every end of the school year in early June, our whole family was scheduled for our annual physical exams, blood tests and immunizations. It was required by the Methodist Mission for all their missionary families who served overseas. My mom and dad were working in Korea and every year was the same. Our little arms were poked with a cocktail of so many disease fighting vaccines we were in agony for days. Typhoid, tetanus, cholera, yellow fever, diphtheria, and more whose names I can't remember. We would get feverish, our arms so heavy and painful that sometimes we'd have to lie in bed until we recuperated.

Korea was a very underdeveloped country when my parents first arrived in '57, and by the time I was in elementary school in the 60's, it had rapidly grown, yet most of the country still had no organized sewage system. You don't want to know how they dealt with their toilet waste. I'll just say that what we called the "honey bucket truck" didn't smell anything like honey.

I remember one particularly hot June when I was in so much pain from our many shots - I was about 6 years old. My dad always tried to cheer us up with a special treat, and he had extravagantly bought us a patio table and chairs with an umbrella for outdoor picnics. He announced it to the three of us kids as we all moaned our thanks from our beds, and then he proceeded to put it together in the living room downstairs so we could all appreciate it. My brother and sister hobbled down the stairs and came back up excited that Daddy had bought us this cool new thing, but I was too weak and sickly to move. My dad scooped me up and carried me down very gently and showed it to me, even though I couldn't even lift my head from his shoulder. He then carried me back upstairs and laid me down in my bed. I was amazed at how strong and happy he was even though he had had the same vaccinations as we did. He could actually carry me when I couldn't even stand.

Many times I have thought of God's strength being sufficient for us, that He can easily carry us through tough times when we are out of strength. I always remember that night with my fevered head on my dad's shoulder as he carried my up the stairs and my gratefulness that he was able to do what was impossible for me. My relationship with my dad wasn't always so picture-perfect, but I know God imprinted that on my memory so clearly for a reason, and over the years that image of my dad's kindness being like God's, pulled me through some pretty unhappy moments.

Now I have many more examples in recent memory of God coming through for me and doing the impossible, that I don't refer to that one of my dad much any more. I have real proof that He is alive and actively answering my prayers. But God knew that I'd need that boost, that image in my head to push me forward until the day that I really knew how great God was on a personal level.

Maybe the kindnesses and acts of faith we show today, are being imprinted on someone else's mind by God Himself, with the hope that they too will push forward to finally know Him. I think we should count on it.

Above is a picture of me and my dad on his many trips through the Korean countryside overseeing the construction of new church facilities. This one here is a new orphanage site outside of Seoul, around 1965.

An Ignorance of Evil

2010-08-25T15:19:00.001-05:00

"She had to hit rock-bottom before she could look up."

"He had to sow his wild oats before settling down."

"You have to live a little and learn from the school of hard knocks."

"How do you know God is real unless you experiment with other things first?"

Is it possible that you could ever truly develop a strong and living faith in God without first messing up your life? Could someone actually live a decent life, grow to understand the truths of the Bible and then give themselves to serving God wholeheartedly for the rest of their lives without going through some horrible rock-bottom experience? Does the absence of suffering make them fake Christians?

When my husband was young, he told himself that he believed in God, the Bible and all that stuff, but drugs and alcohol and the friends that came with them were a necessity to really enjoy life. He made a deal with himself that later in life he'd serve God, but in high school, fun was the priority. Now he wishes that he had known how real and powerful God is, back then. He would have saved himself a lot of pain, because in fact none of that stuff was fun, it was just a way to deal with the unhappiness that only disappeared once he surrendered his life to God.

Why is it that the idea of serving God is synonymous with deprivation and no fun whatsoever? It's a lie that people who grow up in the church fall for every single generation. (One reason why too many churches are desperate to look "cool" as if they have to compete with evil... see exhibit #1 above.)

People - generally young people - see some hypocrisy in church and use that as an excuse to reject God. They feel restrained by their parents, and so` determine to do whatever they feel like once the restraints are gone, but have no desire to understand the wisdom behind those restraints in the first place. Evil looks so very cool, and their parents life... something for old people. So they throw themselves into the stupidity of rejecting God, thinking that they "had to do it to find themselves...." They may think that they never stopped believing in God, but the moment they stopped obeying Him, they rejected Him.

Unfortunately, many of them never do find themselves. They get lost in the confusion that they created for themselves. People who never knew God but live horrible lives can reach rock bottom because deep inside they have a longing for something better - a knowledge that this can't be all there is to life. But those who already know something better but choose to jump into the pit, rarely hit the bottom. Their willful rejection of the truth has made their personally designed pit, a bottomless one. And all they can do is fall, or in a moment of sanity grab a hold of the slippery walls and try their best to climb out - a long and messy process that requires much more self-examination and effort to be free than for those who never knew God in the first place.

C.S. Lewis once wrote, "There is an ignorance of evil that comes from being young; there is a darker ignorance that comes from doing it, as men by sleeping lose the knowledge of sleep."

Who's smarter, the one who believes he has to hit rock bottom, or the one who chooses to stay out of the pit in the first place? Sad to say, the answer is not obvious to most.

Laughing at the Days to Come

2010-08-03T15:59:00.002-05:00

The wicked plots against the just,
         And gnashes at him with his teeth.
The Lord laughs at him,
         For He sees that his day is coming. (Psalm 37:12-13)

But you, O LORD, laugh at them;
       you scoff at all those nations. (Psalm 59:8)

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
      and she laughs without fear of the future. (Proverbs 31:25)

There's a lot of laughing going on in these verses, isn't there? But when problems hit us with hurricane force winds, is laughing the first thing that comes to mind?

A joyful heart is a weapon against evil. Joy in the face of harm is nothing like being mentally unstable or out of touch with reality - though it sure can make us look that way. It only comes from knowing that if we are joined with God, we have nothing, absolutely nothing to fear. We can laugh at the problems threatening us because we are sure that together with Him, we have become giants spiritually speaking.

This kind of joy is impossible to fake. It comes as a result of a deep and intimate relationship with God. It's like a child who knows without a doubt that his big strong dad loves him and will always protect him. He can climb into bed between mom and dad late at night during a thunderstorm or after a scary dream and feel that complete sense of peace and comfort.

Why are there so few Christians who know Him this well? Does He only reserve this kind of relationship to an elite few? What if we just started behaving as if He loved us this much, even though we didn't feel like it? Do you suppose we'd look like fools and fall flat on our faces, or would He be pleased that we are trying? Could it be that our enemies really will collapse because we choose joy instead of fear?

I guess we'll have to find out for ourselves...!

Fun Games to Play with Your Kids While Stuck in Traffic

2010-07-24T12:30:00.001-05:00

One of the worst sounds ever is, "Mom, I'm booooooored." It's more than just a bit of information, it comes along loaded with the bad attitude, body language and general grumpiness that we are all too familiar with. "Why don't you read something? Why don't you play that favorite game? Why don't you...." We feed them all the options we can come up with to just make that awful sound go away, but as usual the bad aura has already set in which means that they have decided that nothing in life is worth doing any more. Instead of asking them what they'd like to do, just start playing your own game with them, and in a short period of time they'll get into it and out of the blue funk that was swallowing them up. Here are a few good ones.

For 2-6 year olds:
I Spy With My Little Eye Think of an object in the room around you, notice its color and then say, "I see something green." Let them start looking around and guessing what it is you have picked out. They can only ask yes or no questions such as, Is it on the ground? Is it on a tree? Is it plastic? Is it smaller than my hand? etc. When they guess it, the turns are reversed and time flies by much faster.

The Rhyming Game It's self-explanatory, just choose a common word and take turns thinking up as many words that rhyme with it. Start with Street, then you can come up with, meet, greet, wheat, complete, feet, treat, seat, heat etc. There is no winner or loser, just fun in helping them think of words and understanding what it means to rhyme.

For 5 on up:
Who am I? Think of someone they know about, anyone from family and friends to a cartoon character they know or famous movie star. They have to begin asking yes or no questions and the best ones to start with are: Are you a man? Are you a woman? Are you alive today? Are you famous? Have I ever met you? Are you a cartoon? Are you yellow with square pants? etc... When Mark was 5 he used to be Arnold Schwarzenegger every single time and we had to act surprised - he eventually expanded into being George Bush and Sponge Bob before he really got the hang of it. Now he's a pro and can handle some pretty complex stuff. Still it was fun!

20 questions - A game just like Who Am I for older kids and adults where you have to solve the clues before 20 questions are up. With smaller kids, just let them keep asking until they get it and give them little clues so they don't get frustrated and give up. This is a great game to strengthen their skills in deductive thinking, and how to ask the right kind of questions to get the responses they need.

Country Capitols/ State Capitols - You may need to do some studying up on these if you don't know many, so it's just as good for you as it is for the kids! Name a country or state and have them answer you with the capitol city. Teach them some fun tricks to help them memorize, like when Mark used to forget Moscow as the capitol of Russia, I would moo like a cow (OK this part has to be done in private!) and he'd remember the word "cow" which would trigger the right answer. The ones they get wrong, help them with the answer and go back to later to see if they got them. With each time, you can add a few more new ones to the bunch to increase their knowledge.

What Tune is it? This can only work if you are not totally tone-deaf! Start humming a familiar tune and see if they can remember the words. Easy!

There are a lot more than just these, but they have served me well over the years. Just yesterday I was asked to do the Country Capitols game and to throw in some new ones - who would think a child would want to know his geography for fun? Before you know it, traffic will lighten up and you'll be at your destination with a happy little camper sitting next to you. Happy trails!

Sweet Dreams are Made of These...

2010-07-19T13:29:00.000-05:00

I just saw the movie, "Inception" with my family last night, action packed with tons of suspense and odd twists in the story. It was the first time to see Leo Di Caprio as a daddy, and weird to see the creepy bad guy in "Batman Begins," play a rich businessman you almost want to like. It was all about dreams, extracting people's dreams and inserting new dreams into people's heads. All very surreal and at 2 and a half hours long, I enjoyed a pleasant nap half way through to wake up just as confused as I was when I dozed off. I was entertained, and all the guys in my family liked it a lot, which made me happy to know they were happy.

One thing I couldn't get into was the way they treated dreams as so deep and profound, or the way they made great use of fear in dreams. I'm just not into fear. I've learned a strange trick to turn my dreams at night to my favor if they get anywhere near scary or bothersome. If a bullet is flying at me, I am somehow conscious that it isn't real but a dream, and I turn it into a bumblebee or a butterfly. I force the scary things to become less threatening. I scold the bad guys and tell them to be ashamed of themselves and watch them slink away with their heads hanging, and the monsters I just may turn into teddy bears having a picnic. Every time I do that the emotional intensity of the dream just flattens out like someone had popped a balloon. The dream just turns to nonsense or I just wake up.

This all started when I was 7, when I had one of my terrifying recurring nightmares of being pushed off a high cliff. In mid-air I remembered that I only fall off cliffs in dreams, which meant I could insert whatever I wanted to change my dream. I placed a huge mattress at the base of the cliff, and then had a lovely time bouncing up and down when I reached the bottom. The dream faded away pretty quickly after that.

These days I rarely remember a dream at all, and I think it's because my mind nullifies anything disturbing so quickly, that any dreams I might have are completely forgotten the moment I open my eyes.

I don't know if everybody is as aware of the fact that they can control their dreams, but I know all of us can control the fears and irritations we have during our waking hours. I believe that once we know how to bind up negative attitudes and fears the moment they start to encroach on our thoughts, the easier we can handle the stresses of our daily lives. For those who would just see this as a psychological trick, you're not going to get very far because psyching yourself out to feel good even when things are going wrong, doesn't change the fact that things are still going wrong!

Using faith to stop evil from harming us does more than give us an emotional sense of peace, but it actually stops concrete problems from happening in very real and practical ways. There's a kind of stubbornness combined with faith that says just plain "NO YOU DON'T" to any spiritual force that is trying to tempt you with worry or fear or choosing what is wrong. It can become a part of who you are. It's a faith that says no to the idea that God won't come through for you, no to the idea that if you humble yourself you'll just get hurt, no to the thought that your problems are just too overwhelming. Faith knows how to put those attacking spirits to shame if you use it, and then the results in real life follow.

I've known various people who said, NO YOU DON'T to cancer, to drugs, to prostitution, to AIDS, to witchcraft, to depression, and are no longer victims of any of them.

You may not be able to turn a bullet into a butterfly, but you sure can turn around an attack on your life into a victory if you just learn how to fight back, and that's even better.

The not-so-obvious needs of a preteen

2010-07-07T13:56:00.002-05:00

I'm the mom of two. My 12 year old is a very obedient, sweet natured and good hearted. He knows very well that there are times to be quiet and stay still to let mom and dad get their work done. He respects our wishes, and stays, waits, hurries up to go, reads, writes, cleans, evangelizes, prays, stays up late and wakes up early according to whatever we tell him. He always has a smile on his face and complies with our wishes with only a little bit of complaining from time to time. But if he is ignored too much, his behavior will become much less pleasant and not because he is a bad boy, but because he is a growing child whose needs are not being met.

It's easy to assume that once your little ones have grown into big kids and less dependent on you for their every need, they can just be given orders and left on their own. As long as you provide food on the table, clean clothes, sheets and towels, make sure they do their homework and don't tear up the house, you feel like your work is done. But you're not even close. Your job as a mother is not to ensure they can eat and clean up after themselves, or even that they bring home good grades from school. Their need for you to be interested and involved in their development is as important, and even more so, as before.

Here are some pre-teens parenting tips:

1. You will frequently find that they love to talk about total nonsense. Don't just dismiss it as total nonsense! They are going though a process in which their minds are processing more information and trying to sort it all out as they are beginning to understand more of the adult world. Let them talk, listen, and comment on their ideas - even when they seem crazy.

2. Push other duties aside from time to time to focus 100% on them. You will be richly rewarded. Play a board game, go to a museum together, ride bikes and go out for treats just for fun. Among the odd things they think and want to talk about, you will find jewels of information about their doubts or fears or ambitions that you can help them understand. These are bits of information that they would never tell you if you just ask them those ignorant grown-up questions like, "What are your fears?" or, "What are your ambitions?" Everyone knows the only answer to those dumb questions are, "Idunno."

3. Laugh with them and enjoy their ridiculous ideas instead of treating them like they're stupid. (You may never dream of calling your child such a thing, but you can make them feel it by the way you treat them.) Remember what it was like at their age and how awkward it felt to be in that transition between little child to teenager. Tell them funny stories of things you did at 12 to show them that you aren't so different. Bringing up those old memories will help you have more empathy for what they're going through.

4. By your actions, not just your words, let them know that they can still come to you for anything. This is invaluable - soon they will be going through changes in their bodies and they'll need to know they can trust you to understand the strange things happening to their thoughts and feelings. If you have made it clear to them that you think their rambling thoughts are a waste of time, they definitely will not feel confident to tell you how confused they feel as they grow.

5. Treasure this time while they are still talkative and openly dependent on you. Prepare yourself, because your little one will soon become another creature altogether when puberty hits with all the hormones, mood swings and insecurities about their sudden changes. Well-adjusted teens grow from well-loved preteens.

Preparing for Adolescence: Caution Changes Ahead

A Healthy Pain

2010-06-28T18:28:00.002-05:00

What freedom! To finally come clean and confess a hidden sin/mistake/wrong that was committed! But the process that leads to it can be so twisted and convoluted, for the one who is looking for a pain-free shortcut. Instead of a shortcut, they find a long agonizing journey of guilt and oppression that can take years, eating away at their spirit, their body, their mental abilities, their motivation to live. As Proverbs says, bitterness rots the bones...

Why do you suppose that when it's time to do right and expose the darkness of our past, this simple act of speech becomes unbearably frightening? Imaginations course through our minds: they'll never understand, you'll become a freak, an outcast, a loser, you'll be castigated and ostracized, and you'll never, ever be looked upon with favor by anyone. ANYONE. So we bear the hidden guilt and are unaware that the spirit behind that guilt is slowly eating away at our faith and our resolve to follow God. We become a slave of that dark secret, a protector, as if it were a great treasure.

But the fear of exposing our whole life to the light and letting God and others see the ugliness, is in actuality very short-lived and highly overrated. Once it's done, it's done, and the healing can begin. Sure you have to talk about it a bit more at times. clarify why you did what you did to those you offended, apologize as many times as it takes, change your habits and your behavior to prove to those whose trust you have broken that you are serious about your change, and hide nothing ever again. The only real pain involved is felt by your ego, your selfish pride. A healthy pain, long overdue.

But the freedom, the FREEDOM of honesty and openness of heart between God and you, and all others who have been wronged, is such a reward in itself. But that's not all that happens. God can finally begin answering that backlog of your many prayers, because the connection between you and He is clear. The spiritual ulcer that burned holes into your conscience and your soul, is wiped away in one day.

Funny how one of the most powerful life-changing verbs is seen as a cartoon joke - you know, the old crazy street preacher wearing a sign reading: Repent! But for the few and the courageous who have the guts to actually do it, the joke is turned against all the evil that once dragged them through the mud, and now is under their feet. Repent! So who's laughing now?

Power hungry girls

2010-06-10T14:39:00.000-05:00

I almost had to laugh speaking to the teenage girls in one of our churches on a recent Sunday. Some had grown up in the church while others had just started attending a few weeks before. Some had never read a Bible in their lives, and all of them came from unsavory neighborhoods and had seen unspeakable things. I looked across the classroom of dead-pan faces, girls clad in tight jeans, tight tank-tops or scoop necked t-shirts, just daring me to say something that they would think even slightly interesting.

It seems that acceptable behavior among teen girls in the ghetto is to show absolutely no regard for adults. Stare at them, but don't speak to them. When asked a question, say nothing, don't respond. The body language is meant to say, "Why should I care about you when I don't even care about myself? You are meaningless, you are one of THEM."

Thank goodness that I have wised up to the fact that those are just lies they hide behind. None of them really feel that way. All of them are lonely, afraid, insecure, and desperately in need of care and guidance. They all wanted to hear what I had to say, but were terrified of showing it. They've been enslaved to a spirit that threatens to make life miserable if they become open and honest.

But as I talked, I discovered that what they were looking for was not love or acceptance or purpose, but power. These are girls that wouldn't bat an eye beating up a friend that turned on them. I know because they told me so, sincerely believing that that was the only way to solve the problem. Telling them that Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek brought out shrieks of protest. "What? Why???!!" Letting others have the upper hand is unthinkable. In their lives where drug dealers prowl their streets, where their own relatives have attempted to rape them, where violence at home is the norm, where the school yard is a place of survival of the fittest, the concepts of servanthood and giving to receive are as alien as another galaxy.

If I had a daughter facing danger, I'd want her to be equipped with something powerful to protect her, but what would that be? I began to speak of the invisible world of God's Spirit that surrounds them, and the power they have over evil in their lives. Demons are real, unseen forces that provoke violence are our enemy, not the people who we see in front of us. Their eyes widened as they learned that there was a power that they could use that would keep them safe, and that would fight for them, the power of faith in Jesus and the authority He gives us over evil. Examples and testimonies made some sit up with excitement, while others squirmed uncomfortably as if something inside of them hated hearing it.

I asked, do you want to have this power? The only way it can work is if you surrender your life completely to God's Spirit, and let Him control you. That's when you're under His protection. Do everything differently, upside down, give before receiving, love those who hate you, believe before your eyes see any change, and learn to face the devil head on with no fear, and drive him out of your life. Now that's power that can have the after-effects of a nuclear bomb.

They left with different looks on their faces than when they came in. I challenged them to try it for just one week and tell me what happened. Let's see if they did.

Manipulations of the "Perfect Wife"

2010-05-26T14:43:00.001-05:00

In our marriage courses at church and among the many couples we counsel, a recurring syndrome has been noticed: the "abusive victim." I've seen it among husbands, but in my experience, mostly in wives.

She badgers, complains and nags him because he is not getting things done quite right. She is a "perfectionist" she claims, she loves him dearly and wants to help him improve. She also knows how to indulge him with lots of loving actions: delicious food, an impeccable home, affection, hugs and kisses, but she knows how to make him feel like trash, that he doesn't deserve any of it. She reminds him of what a mess he was when she found him, and how she has so generously "fixed" him. She subtly convinces him he is one lucky, lucky man to have such a perfect wife.

But the nagging is unreasonable and unbearable. She always has a justification for it, but she makes sure to push his buttons, over and over again. Until he finally explodes. He behaves monstrously. He shouts, he becomes abusive, he punches holes in the walls. He knows he is a worthless nobody because she reminds him every day by her attitudes, and something inside of him can't bear it any more. But now what has he done? He has proven once again that he is a monster, an evil man, unworthy and oh, so fortunate that this wonderful perfect wife whom he has victimized will accept him back home again. So he bows his head in shame and goes back to her, apologizing and torturing himself that he is less than a man. And the cycle begins all over again.

She has him in a head-lock, and is draining every bit of life from him year by year. The big question is, how do you show him the lies that he is believing about himself? How can you encourage him without revealing the manipulations of his "perfect" wife?

It is a reality that some women enjoy seeing their husband fail and suffer, so that he will always be grateful to her for rescuing him like a lost puppy. It's sadistic but it's true. The only hope I see for a couple like this is in spiritual warfare, to break the back of this demon of the abusive "victim".

Great Power in Gentleness

2010-05-15T21:52:00.001-05:00

Counseling a couple with my husband today reminded me of this old fable by Aesop that I had heard in school. When dealing with evil, that's the time to be harsh and demand that it leave our lives. But when dealing with others, especially with the ones we love, loving kindness wins, hands down! Enjoy,

The North Wind and the Sun

The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness.

"We shall have a contest," said the Sun.

Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.

"As a test of strength," said the Sun, "Let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man."

"It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat," bragged the Wind.

The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat. Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat. The sun grew slowly brighter and brighter. Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.

"How did you do that?" said the Wind.

"It was easy," said the Sun, "I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way."

Bringing Home Baby

2010-05-04T17:50:00.002-05:00

Mothers Day is on it's way, and my opinion has been that any birthday ought to be a celebration of each mother who brought that child into the world. Having been through two long, arduous labors, my mind invariably goes back to those hours of birth every time we celebrate a birthday of one of my children. Now with anyone's birthday, I feel I can relate to whoever's mom had to go though that life-changing experience.

But as everyone supposedly knows at least in theory, the labor has only just begun! The actual task of caring for and raising a child is no joke. I ache for the teen-age mothers who come through the doors of our church; children raising children. Statistically it's a long shot that they'll raise them well. I recently met a happily married, well-adjusted couple in their 30's who just had their first baby, and it was a touching sight. Bright, intelligent professionals, successful in their fields, and totally lost when it came to keeping up with their little bundle of energy. They had that glazed look in their eyes of people who hadn't slept for days, bewildered that a 25 inch person could throw their lives so out of whack.

A mistake that many new mothers make, especially those who have no experience, is to expect their babies to behave in a way that shows appreciation or love right away. When her baby cries and is inconsolable, she begins to think that the baby dislikes her. When she looks at her newborn and smiles at him, but he just gives her a blank stare and waves his fists in the air, she feels rejected. She tries to hold him close, but he kicks and wiggles and doesn't seem interested. He seems to only want her for her milk, and her expertise in burping him. She feels "used" and resents him. He even reminds her of others who treated her badly in the past.

She has no concept of how a baby's body needs time to develop. How little he is able to coordinate his movements, focus his eyes on any one object, that he's unaware of what a smile is yet, and can barely hold up his own head. Instead of just loving him despite how he acts, she feels hurt and offended and is unable to bond with this child who needs her so desperately. She wants him to give her the love that she hoped for by having a baby in the first place, and when she doesn't see it, she withholds her own love. And the beginnings of a form of abuse begins: neglect. Her child will soon be starving for love because his mother was too immature and selfish to be a mother in the first place.

There are some things you ought to know before allowing yourself to conceive a child:

1. Becoming a parent only works if you are ready to give and give and give, and not expect anything in return. Unconditional love is a choice.

2. Be prepared not to have a good night's sleep for at least 2 years. Some parents are luckier than others, but still - be prepared.

3. Babies cost money - diapers, food, formula, bottles, juice, clothes, car seats, strollers, toys. Not to mention monthly trips to the pediatrician and any medicine he prescribes.

4. You will feel at times that: You've lost control of your life. Keeping appointments is a monmental endeavor. You will live the rest of your life covered in baby spit and attached to a large diaper bag. Be patient, and enjoy the experience. This shall pass.

5. You will feel like you are loosing your memory. So many things to remember, nap times, feeding times, extra supplies, extra little t-shirts in case of accidents, extra warm cap, blanket, bottle, toys, snacks, bring the stroller, or not bring the stroller? And then you wonder why you can't remember where you put the car keys... Every. Single. Day. Don't worry, this too shall pass.

6. Your husband (if you are so fortunate to have one) still needs your love, affection and undivided attention at some time during your day. If you snap at him when he expects anything from you even when you've been drained to the last drop, you are shooting yourself in the foot. Give, love, and give again.

7. Don't project your own insecurities on your baby. If he doesn't respond to you the way you hoped, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you/resents you/wishes you weren't his mom. Babies are totally dependent on you, and their only opinions revolve around the need for food, warmth, sleep, cuddling and a clean diaper. Give first, and know that in due time, you will really receive.

4. You don't have a baby so that he or she can make you happy. You're the only person who can make you happy.

Give your mom a special hug and send her the best of your love, because she went through all of this for you. For those who have been there and done that, congratulations! And have a wonderful, blessed Mothers Day!

Learned Behavior

2010-04-24T17:09:00.000-05:00

They were so cute, little baby wolf cubs waddling around their pen. Their mother had died and so they were being cared for in a sanctuary set up to both study and raise them to eventually be released back into the wild. The scientist in the interview had become their surrogate mom, and explained that though they had all the instincts of a wolf, they still needed their mother to teach them how to hunt, to be aware of danger, to work together as a pack, and of course to howl. So every day a few times a day the scientist would come close to the pen and howl as best she could, and the little cubs would answer back in their tiny high pitched voices with their noses pointed upwards, enjoying themselves completely. I just wanted to take them out of the TV screen and hug them, they were so lovable!

But isn't it interesting that though God made all creatures with instincts and innate abilities and behavior, we still have to be taught how to use them? Had the wolves been raised as mere house pets, they would never be able to survive among wolves, and yet because they were meant to be wild, they would never be able to live in a home either. They had to be taught to be who God created them to be.

I have come to know a good number of young women and men who have grown up in homes that are nothing like a home. They know something is wrong in their family, yet they have no idea what a happy home is like or if they ever could have one for themselves. Something inside of them tells them that they were created to live in a loving, supportive environment. It's instinctive knowledge in all of us that we were created for this. But generations have passed in these families where addictions, abuse, unfaithfulness and rejection are the norm. So what do these kids do when they reach adulthood? What kind of life skills do they have to draw on?

They want a happy home, but it's so easy to look for love from a guy who will sweet talk them for a while, get them pregnant and leave them for another girl. Now she is doing the same thing that her mother did to her. She resents this baby that's stealing away her youth, and leaves it with relatives so she can go out partying at night. He hates his father for abusing his mother and abandoning the family, and then turns into his father's spitting image. With each generation the image of a faithful marriage becomes more of a fairy-tale. The concept of being a parent who upholds standards of honesty and integrity, who understands the balance of discipline and selfless love - a vague dream. The conviction that they should fight to become the person God created them to be - such a foreign idea, it doesn't occur to them that they could be anyone else but what they have learned.

So who will teach them to find themselves? Where are the sanctuaries to nurture and develop these young, lost minds? Can it even be done, or have too many generations passed? Like I mentioned in a past post, when the Son of Man returns, will He find faith on the earth?

500 Days of Stupidity - Moms, please be aware

2010-04-12T18:15:00.000-05:00

Movies like "Fiddler on the Roof", one of my all time favorite musicals, gives us a peek at life in the old country when daughters came with dowries and matchmakers arranged the best marriage deals to satisfy all parties involved. I used to think it was quaint and a sad sort of thing. But now that I have children, I'm beginning to think that hand-picking their spouse myself would be the perfect solution. (Don't worry guys, a mom can dream, can't she?)

I just say that because as I look around, I see Jesus' words coming true today more than ever, "When the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" Christian moms, be aware, the world is encroaching on the values that we think we are instilling in our young ones, sinking their roots into them like crabgrass. It makes you want to put them in a sealed space-pod and shoot them into the stratosphere until you find the perfect mate for them so they can avoid any more contamination. But of course, no one wants to be "set up" by their elders any more, no one wants to have anyone meddling in their romantic affairs because it's just not done and it is so very, very, very uncool.

It's so uncool that a movie last summer became a sleeper hit of the season, "(500) Days of Summer". A guy likes a girl, a lot. He thinks she's "the one." Girl likes guy but hates commitment. Girl flirts, makes sexual overtures, eventually sleeps with and practically moves in with the guy but insists that they are not a "couple." Girl gets offended when he tries to defend her honor as if he has the right to think she's his girlfriend. Guy is in love, girl treats him like trash, but says she really likes him. Stupid guy keeps obsessing about stupid girl. The end.

Hate to spoil it, but that's the movie in a nutshell. There have been other movies with this sort of message, but few have tried to pretend to be so profound as if they were revealing deep truths about life and love. and millions of people eager to swallow these "truths" paid $60,000,000 at the box office to make it a huge hit.

But there are certain boundaries that were set in place by God, certain age-old truths about relationships that can't be undone just by the fashion of the day. Girls who flirt and make sensual comments boost a guy's ego, while they degrade themselves in the process. Wanting to have a boyfriend while having close "guy friends" at the same time undermines trust and proves that they have no idea what a blessing true commitment is.

But you as a mom say, "But that's just kids these days. This is a different culture." Yeah, but God doesn't change, and the evil nature of humanity doesn't either. Don't let the pleas of your daughter to wear revealing clothes, to speak too suggestively to the men she knows, to constantly text and call and throw herself at guys with the excuse that they're "just friends," fool you. Be the mean one for the moment and say no. You need to realize that it's time to make some big changes before it's too late.

Christian girls are encouraged to think that they can mix the secular values they find in school and on the screen with their faith. Maybe they'll won't loose their virginity before marriage, but they sure do enjoy being a tease. And when they see other young women trying to live a life of purity and integrity, they'll say, "Good for you!" and then laugh at them behind their back because they're such bores. Wake up and see that the sweet darlings that you thought were such nice church-going girls, have their hearts set on indulging their emotions. Don't think for a moment that she would never be so false; the influence of this world is too much for anyone who doesn't have an uncompromising faith. How do you change the desires of her heart? Only God can do that, but there are steps you can take to lead her in the right direction. Stay tuned for more.

Meanwhile I'll be in my workshop constructing those space-pods...

Open-minded

2010-04-02T11:46:00.001-05:00

One of my Sunday school teacher's used to say, "Yeah, he was so open minded his brains fell out." Which meant that there are times that the very positive sounding phrase of having an open mind, can actually become an unhealthy extreme.

A class-mate of mind told me once, "I'm a Christian, but I believe that whatever you believe is going to happen after you die, happens. If you're an atheist, you just stop existing. If you're a Hindu or Buddhist, you'll be reincarnated in another life. God is love. He's open minded..."

Interviewing a student at USC for our church TV program in Los Angeles, I asked one young, very hip philosophical fellow, what he believes God feels about suffering. He answered, "Who says there's anything wrong with suffering? I mean it's all in how we perceive reality. Who's to say that children dying of starvation need to be rescued? Maybe starvation is a good thing but our society has decided to call it bad."

I know, this guys brains didn't just fall out, they got run over by a truck! Meanwhile our cameraman starts laughing and says, "Right! Tape up his mouth for two weeks and then he can tell us if starvation is a good thing!"

Isn't it odd that people who boast about being open minded are often those who consider themselves to be so highly intelligent, but can't define what truth is? Everything is a shade of grey, nothing is black and white, true or false. Just vague foggy guesses at what feels right at the moment.

Being open minded isn't enough if it isn't founded firmly on truth. Some things are black and white, unchangeable, indisputable. Even when it isn't cool or trendy to believe them, they still stand. I consider myself open minded, but everything I believe has to be weighed and brought in line to what the Word of God says. Evil and hell exist. God and His Kingdom exist. There is only one way to know God, and there is only one way to overcome evil. These are truths that can't be ignored.

But some well meaning Christians want to believe that it's okay to put up with a life of misery even though they also believe the verse, "By His stripes we are healed." Maybe God wants them to suffer. Maybe God sees the good in suffering to purify their faith. Maybe they've been chosen for a higher calling to suffer more than others because they are so special. Maybe we should get them to share a room with the guy from USC so they can all philosophize about the wonders of suffering and tell starving children in Ethiopia to just be happy. Really, is there any difference?

If Jesus died and rose from the dead, the captives in hell we released, the sun couldn't bear to shine, the earth trembled, all nature reacted to the death and resurrection of it's Creator, isn't it logical that if God Himself sacrificed His own life just for us, we would be able to live a new life too? It's what He promised, but unfortunately few, very few know how to fight to find that new life. It starts with being angry with the fact that evil has a foothold in our lives - not accepting the evil, or fearing the evil or being in awe of evil - but fighting it with all our faith and strength. There's no better way to celebrate Jesus' victory and resurrection than making sure that everything He sacrificed for becomes real in our lives. That takes determination and a laser-like focus. Call me narrow minded, but there's no way else to live.

A Happy Good-bye

2010-03-24T12:24:00.003-05:00

My dad just died last Sunday, I'm in LA for the memorial service and to spend time with my mom. There has been a lot of family get-togethers and I'm happy for the chance to see them all while missing my own dear family so very very much in Houston.

The one thing I don't feel is grief over my dad's passing, strangely enough. Perhaps it was because I already said good-bye to him when I saw that Alzheimer's disease had already stolen away the father I knew and loved six years ago. It was so strange to see his sparkling blue eyes, hold his gnarled hands and hear that familiar tenor voice singing old church hymns, and yet know that he was no longer able to hold a rational conversation, or even be fully aware of who I was. That was the hardest time, because I wanted him to fight back against the disease, I wanted him to acknowledge that something was wrong and to try his hardest to resist the slow degradation of his brain and eventually his entire body. But he didn't want to talk about it. These last two years he could no longer speak, though he could sing along with us strangely enough. He was confined to a hospital bed or wheelchair and would still look at me with those eyes, though they had turned a bit dull.

Knowing that a bright, intelligent, energetic, hilariously funny and dedicated man who had served God as a missionary in Korea for 35 years, and had continued serving in his church for 12 more years in retirement, had faded into a fog of illness. It was like watching someone you loved slowly sink and drown into a pit of mud.

But one day I had flown in from England and saw him alone in the hospital. The doctor said he'd only last a few days. I spoke to him about some of the deepest concerns in my heart. I asked forgiveness, I poured out my heart, and I spoke to him about God and His forgiveness. Dad couldn't speak, but his eyes filled with tears and rolled down his cheeks. He raised his hand to his head as if to ask me to pray for him. He stared intently at me and made noises, trying to speak. I prayed strong for him, and he cried. He squeezed my hand and I kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. I felt that I was speaking directly to his soul, that the disease had been pushed to the side and his spirit knew exactly what was going on. When all was finished, his tears ended.

Something very spiritual and very deep happened that evening. Though I saw him more times before I left, enjoying our singing and visiting, I was completely at peace knowing that when God was ready to take him home, both he and I were ready. He lived for another two years, but always in discomfort, trapped in a body and mind that could no longer function. When I heard the news of his passing after the Sunday morning service, I honestly was so happy for him to be free.

Last Saturday at his memorial service, with their pastor, my brother, my brother-in-law, even myself getting up front to speak or share, it was the most uplifting and happiest funeral I had ever attended. There really was no room for tears. He's celebrating his freedom for eternity, and all I can do is smile.

Love the Family Table

2010-03-06T13:55:00.001-06:00

Every expert from the scientists at the Department of Health to your grandma will tell you that it is vitally important for your children to experience regular family meals at home. They develop better social skills, participate in family discussions, eat healthier food while eating slower and more deliberately than those who wolf down delivery pizza standing up at the kitchen counter. Not only children, but all of us benefit from this.

Everybody knows that eating a healthy home-cooked meal as a family is best, but just talking about the benefits has not changed the minds of women who still prefer to warm up something frozen and toss it on the table for whoever feels like wandering by to consume it when they're ready. You may know that actual cooking is better, but there's always that lame excuse, "I'm just too busy and tired to be bothered." Well, if you bothered to have these children, bother yourself to take good care of them.

I cook every day, with a few exceptions. It takes time, it takes hours. The preparation, the serving, the eating and the clean-up is time and energy consuming. But the joy of seeing my family well-fed and happy, seeing them come home eager to know what's for dinner, knowing that they were looking forward to my food - it's worth it all. There is something very healing and calming about a family that joins together over food they love; sometimes a dish that's familiar and comforting, or other times a new and interesting dish to test out. Even those exotic new dishes that we decide we don't want to try again, are a fun experience for us all to laugh about, and I'm always given points for effort!

So for all the bullet points that the Health Department can list off about the positive effects of home cooking, do it for you. Do it for the very selfish reason of getting extra kisses and hugs, lots of thanks and a quiet peaceful evening after the dishes are washed because everyone's tummies, hearts and minds know that they're loved.

I've seen plenty of photos these days of the young women who are going through their initiation phase to enter the Sisterhood, and one of those ongoing tasks, is cooking and setting a proper table for their families. One after another, I hear how much happier their home has become just through these meals alone - meals made to be special, delicious and beautiful to look at. If cooking can melt the hearts of a stressed-out family, isn't it worth all the effort? Don't know how to cook? If you know how to read and follow directions, you can cook. Now open those cook books and get cracking!

(Thanks Camilla, Yuliana, Blanca, Ana, Pr. Lucas and Jorge for letting me use your picture!)

Being Cold Hearted

2010-02-22T16:37:00.000-06:00

Sometimes Jesus was just downright brutal with the things He said. "I can't throw the food meant for the children to the dogs," He told a suffering mother. "Go let the dead bury the dead," He told a young man concerned about his father's funeral. A group of mourners cries over the death of a little girl, and He rudely asks them "Why are you crying?" and then proceeds to kick them out of the house. And one of the toughest: "If anyone comes after me and does not hate his own father, mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26) That sounds like the most unChristian teaching there ever was.

I can just picture people I've known getting all in a huff and giving Jesus an ear-full after hearing something like that. "How dare He speak to me this way! And who does He think He is being so insulting! Doesn't He know that family comes first? And He calls Himself a man of God! Well I never...!" Jesus knew exactly what He was doing: separating the wheat from the chaff. Those who are truly His can take the heat and have the humility to say, "Yes, I'm a dog, but I can't I at least have a crumb?" They're the gutsy ones who adamantly hold onto Him, knowing that He has to bless them, and they're the ones who receive their answers.

God created us to be like Him, abounding in love, peace, joy, patience and all the fruit of the Spirit, but tough as nails when it comes to acting our faith. There are times that joy only comes after the painful sacrifice of our flesh, of turning our backs and walking away from people who are demanding our attention so that we can please Him first. Peace can only be won after killing off the selfish desire to moan about our suffering, and fight back against the evil one who whispers in our ears that peace is impossible. We want answers to questions that are not for us to know at this time, but the answers that we do have, we don't like!

So the choice is, live out our life in a constant state of feeling offended because God expects too much of us, or cold-heartedly turn our back on our feelings, obey Him anyway, and determine that he has to - He HAS to - honor our act of faith. He will heal and deliver us because He says He will. Period. And through that choice to put our faith over our emotions, miraculous changes happen. That was the way the demon possessed were freed, the blind were healed, the dead were raised and disciples of steel were raised up to turn the world upside down. It seems like a contradiction to find the warmth of His peace and love through becoming cold-hearted, but who ever said He does things our way?

Fair Weather Friends

2010-02-16T18:06:00.001-06:00

Since the Sisterhood began here in Houston, it's been a real study in human behavior; how eager young women are to have good friends, to connect with others who will encourage and affirm who they are, and to be guided and given constructive criticism about how they can improve their lives. Of course there was a rigorous screening process to make sure only the girls who were ready for the challenges of real change were allowed to be initiated into the group. But the outpouring of how many more are excited about joining this wonderful world-wide support group, really has me amazed!

Among women, probably from time immemorial, the bonds of friendship have played a crucial part of keeping us strong, focused and emotionally healthy. Women who lack such a network of care, often struggle to keep depression and negative attitudes at bay. And when the friends they thought they could rely on are shallow and self-seeking, their sense of worth can easily be shaken, especially those who don't have a firm relationship with God.

I've seen a lot of sweet poems and lovely words about friends and caring and sisterliness on our blogs and Facebook pages, and it's so good for women to have that freedom to express how we feel. But long-term friendships can go through ups and downs, misunderstandings and moments of disappointments that really test whether the sweet words are true or just words. So before the rough patches in the road come along, take these into consideration:

Your friend may be going through some struggles that she may not feel free to share with anyone, but she still needs your support.

Your friend does not have all the same strengths or weaknesses that you do, and can't be expected to react exactly like you.

You can remember how bad it feels to be judged unfairly. Don't be so quick to become judge, jury and hangman just because she doesn't do everything the way you would.

If you considered her worthy of your friendship before, don't you think she deserves your help in steering her back on course?

When faced with a small amount of information about someone else, we all have the vile tendency to jump to conclusions - and negative conclusions - and we enjoy entertaining them, justifying them, and feeling superior.

Don't imagine for a moment that no one has to endure your flaws as well!

As Jesus said, "If you only love those who love you, what reward will you get?" (Matt. 5:46) Making friends with someone who is a mirror image of you is easy, but learning to love those who are not just like you is an exercise in becoming a Woman of God.

Smart Aleck Kids

2010-02-09T12:20:00.000-06:00

Nothing makes me want to slap someone as much as a smart aleck kid. Sorry, I know that sounds horribly violent but don't worry, I promise not to smack your child even though I may feel like it. It's just when I see a child act disrespectfully towards their parents and other adults I see a harmful spirit that has the power to destroy so much of that child's life unless it is stopped. I have no problem with punishing children when it's done right, but the problem of being disrespectful has a root that needs to be dealt with, that punishment alone is not going to resolve.

Teenagers that roll their eyes, make snide remarks and always have to answer back to their parents are, believe it or not, looking for a strong example of a parent to look up to. They may not be balking at your firm hand of discipline as much as the fact that they feel unsure of your authority. Parents can give very conflicting messages: "I have slept around with a lot of guys, your father was a loser just like your brother's father, but don't you dare go out to that party with those boys tonight!" Or the mom who is always trying to cut corners at work, gossips constantly about her boss and her neighbors, eats like a slob and shouts at her son, "What kind of grades are these? All you do is text your friends and your homework is a mess!" If you've ignored their emotional needs, sent them off to school for others to teach and raise, had no time to invest in shaping their lives as they've grown, you've created your own monster.

Do you want your kids to respect you? You should, for everyone's sake. But if they see that you are unstable, insecure, hypocritical and inconsistent with what you say you believe in, they feel frustrated that they don't have a mom they can rely on.

If a mom has failed at teaching her children well by example, and now has to deal with teens with a bad attitude, it's not too late to change. They will always long to have a home where they can safely rest knowing that you lead with God's wisdom, order and confidence - they'll never put that into words, but all children desire that from their patents.

First of all, face up to your own hypocrisy. Talk to them about the mistakes you've made: the promiscuity, the gossip, the lying, the selfishness, the ignorance etc. And then truly change. Show that you are not that person any more and that because of your faith in God, you will never return to that old life. Don't allow them to use your hypocritical behavior as an excuse to disrespect you. If you are sincere and show them how useless a life like that was by acting completely different than you used to, they will begin to feel a measure of respect even if they don't show it right away. If you stubbornly defend yourself, you lose.

Secondly, make it clear that any talk or behavior that cuts others down is totally unacceptable. From you all the way down to the youngest, words that are spoken to each other should be pleasant and encouraging, even when you're showing that you're unhappy with what they've done. Hateful arguments between the kids where they throw out angry words has to stop. Completely. Maybe you've always treated that as their right to "express themselves" - maybe they even learned it from you - but even if no curse words are being said, curses are still flying through all the negative, destructive things that are being said in a moment of anger. Selfishness cannot exist in your home, and apologizing should be a natural occurrence, from forgetting to take out the trash to apologizing for any unkindness. If you have taken the first step of changing and are doing it with all your heart, you have the moral authority to enforce the second step, and with punishment included for those who don't obey.

Yes, they will complain, they'll try to test the boundaries and try to throw your past in your face as if you were still the same person that you once were. But stand your ground. Reinforce to your kids that you are not that old person, that you learned your lessons and have changed by God's power, which is why everything at home needs to change too. But act swiftly every time you see that attitude of selfishness and rebellion rise up in any of them, and the punishment should be appropriate for their age and what stings the most. Spanking a 14 year old may work for some, but confiscating their cell phone might hurt even worse - or grounding, or extra chores - God will inspire you to choose what's right. And then when those bad attitudes subside, even for the moment, be sure to praise them, hug them and reward them in some way that they'll be able to see that a loving home is so much better than one in conflict.

Kids with bad attitudes developed them over time and as a reaction to the confusion of your life. It will take time to undo all of that negativity, but if done with prayer, with God's leading and with a faith that He will do the supernatural as you do your best in the natural, changes will come much sooner than you may think. The older they get, the window of opportunity narrows. Once they're adults, healing in this area becomes much harder and more complex, so don't think for a moment that they'll just outgrow it someday. Make the changes now, and have a happy home for the rest of the time you have them under your roof.

Finding the Real Thing

2010-02-05T14:02:00.000-06:00

A true blue Christian - that was me. I was taught to be good, honest, caring and a faithful attender of church. Time quickly proved that my goodness couldn't protect me from the loneliness, depression, fear, and eventual illness that was swallowing me up. I asked Sunday School teachers, parents and friends about this in general ways so as not to imply that I actually had any of these problems myself, and I was given general answers about just trusting in the Lord and waiting on His timing, that sometimes He allows bad things to happen for our own good. Basically, just keep smiling and don't complain.

Struggling to be the good happy Christian while the fear of what would become of me, felt like a gaping wound in the center of my chest that made it hard for me to even breathe; many unresolved questions and issues that I had shoved into the back of my consciousness kept it raw and bleeding. But you never would have guessed it if you had seen me at the weekly prayer groups and Bible studies on my college campus. I was funny, outgoing, always had a lot to say... and terrified.

Years were spent crying out to God and wondering why reading His Word left me feeling so bereft. How beautifully He healed that woman with the hemorrhage. How compassionate He was to set that demon-possessed man free and to give sight back to the blind. "What about me? Why are You so silent now?" I'd ask.

But when I felt like He just doesn't care, and hadn't heard a word, I kept on praying, and things happen.

It's been 23 years since I found this church. But it wasn't just the church or the organization or the founder - it was the practice of that Early Church kind of faith that made me know that I had found God's answer. Miracles happened there - all the time. Demons were cast out, and church members knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was real. No apologetics class needed! That's where I learned to face down my problems, with a living and active faith that WORKED. That's where I learned how to have a level of faith that had no room for fear or emotionalism, but treated the Word of God as alive and something to be acted upon every day. That's where I found my healing from all of my wounds, both inside and out.

I know that God's Church is greater than all the church organizations in the world, and that many are truly His from every place and walk of life. But one thing I know is that playing church is a sure way to be disappointed in God. Find the real thing - I did.

We're opening our newest Succeed in Life Center this Sunday, Feb. 7th in Houston - see the video below, and come find me there and let's pray, fight and overcome in Jesus' name.

Our New Church in Houston!

2010-02-05T01:06:00.002-06:00

Come on Sunday the 7th of Houston at 10am , 7075 Southwest Freeway, Houston, TX 77074 - I'll be there, how about you?

Why is it?

2010-01-25T07:48:00.000-06:00

Why is it that many atheists I've come across are deeply offended by the fact that I am happy with an active faith in God, even without trying to convince them of anything?

Why is it common for American teenage girls to think that a guy who is kind and honorable is a wimp?

Why is it that most people hate their job?

Why is it that women who have had multiple sexual relationships get upset that their children don't respect them?

Why is it when you share something positive about yourself, you can always count on someone out there accusing you of being proud?

Why is it that God is so willing to smooth out a stupid mistake the moment you are sorry, repent and turn to Him for help? No one else I know will do that.

Why is it that when we are unhappy with our weight, we comfort ourselves with food?

Why is it that couples in love, who claim they will do anything, even give up their lives for each other, can't do the simplest thing of honoring their wedding vows?

Why is it that we say we hate commercials and then just sit there staring at them like zombies when they come on?

Why do parents ignore years of opportunities to nurture respect and good character when their children think of them as heros, and then wonder what went wrong when they turn into teenagers?

Why are there so many people who hate to read books?

Why is it that some of the most poverty-stricken countries are the ones where birth control is considered a sin, but child prostitution is rampant?

Why are there Christians who are so quick to say they can't, and think they're being humble?

Why does God put up with this frustratingly thick-headed world and still want to take the few He can find who believe in Him to heaven one day?

Come Lord Jesus, come quick!

Zulus, Lawyers, Buddhists and John Travolta

2010-01-13T14:13:00.000-06:00

In one of our early morning talks as we get ready for the day, Dave brought up an article he had read about some of the most highly successful men in the US, in business and the arts. One of the things they had in common was that they enjoyed being in the company and learning from people who were completely different from themselves. They liked picking the brains of truck drivers, cartoonists, right-wing conservative preachers, left-wing hippies, school teachers, accountants, soldiers, comedians - anyone who could give them a different perspective on life. They didn't necessarily become best buddies or share their most intimate thoughts with them, but they were willing to listen. learn and see the world through their eyes, which helped them become much more innovative in their field.

Don't ask me where this article is, I'm just telling you what my husband told me as he was shaving one morning. He's a pretty reliable source of news information, so I trust his word. But it got me thinking, how many times has my life been enriched by talking with someone who was completely different from me?

Those times in college that conservative Jewish students complained about the way Christians proselytize (evangelize for those who only speak Christian), I may not have had the best answer on the tip of my tongue, but the experience helped me better understand the huge gap between our two beliefs that I thought were so similar. When at 20 years old, I lived with the atheist feminist lawyer's family with her college professor husband whose children were only allowed to watch PBS - I was exposed to a very different world I knew nothing about. Their dinner parties with the intellectual crowd were fascinating although I know for a fact that I embarrassed them a few times with my insensitive comments about faith and Christianity. The Jamaican roommate who invited me to her home for Thanksgiving, the young Korean Buddhist monks who had never met an American and asked if I knew John Travolta, the 65-year-old prostitute from Tennessee who wore her white hair in a mohawk, the Zulu witchdoctor who threw away her witchcraft to accept Jesus, the suburban moms, the theology students and the demon-possessed. Every one of them has helped me see the world in a new and deeper way and to see that behind every quirky story, there lies a soul and spirit that needs God whether they know it or not.

My closest friends may come from very different backgrounds, but they all build up my faith and keep me focused on God and His promises. But reaching out to others who are different is what keeps my faith tested and challenged, and even more, teaches me to see the potential that everyone has to be healed of their problems no matter where they came from. As funny and strange and different as we are, we're really a lot more alike than we realize.

Teacher - just one of the roles of a mom

2009-12-30T14:35:00.000-06:00

Being a home-school mom, I have tried various tactics to get my kids to learn, to get through school work and to grind that information into their little heads. Sometimes I felt that the standard way of teaching was the only correct way, but it often became so tedious that it resulted in more headaches, frustration and tears than actual learning. Other times I felt guilty taking more time to teach smaller lessons thoroughly with more attention to detail, and not stopping until they really internalized what was being taught. That resulted in lessons that really stuck and are remembered with fondness, even though they slowed down the school year quite a bit.

Through the mistakes and successes year by year, I got one through till graduation with even a year and a half of community college under his belt before he went off into the big wide world to find his own direction. He seems bright, well read and capable, so I suppose I can chalk it down to a success, though in retrospect I can see how I could have done even better.

One problem I see is that many mothers and even school teachers never learned to enjoy the process of learning. They don't like to read, they don't enjoy correcting their mistakes or learning new vocabulary. When it comes time to helping their children learn, they already have a negative attitude in their minds that school is a drag, which naturally spills over to their kids. That's right, even teachers! Go figure...

Even if your child is not a homeschooler, the job of educating him or her lies squarely on your shoulders - not the school. It's up to you that he does more than get his work done, but that he understands and appreciates it. Of course he may be more talented in one subject over another, but you are the only one who can help him appreciate the value of them all. Sometimes the time-consuming effort of you sitting down with him to talk him through every step of his homework is an investment that will reap life-long rewards. Naturally you don't want him depending on you for this all the way through high school, but there are times when close, one-on-one care is exactly the motivation that he needs.

When children are feeling stressed out, are struggling with inner problems of insecurity or confusion, no matter how smart they are, they cannot focus their attention on simple school work. Little ones are so easily coaxed out of this with the wise direction of parents who can calm that confusion. The older they get, the tougher. You have to transmit a love of learning to them that they will pick up and build upon, even when they're not doing traditional school activities. The question is, are you the cause of those inner struggles they have?

You can spark that sense of discovery and fun in your daily relationship with them - when they need to help you make a budget for the groceries, figure out how much they can save to buy that special toy, enjoy the history of the town where you live as you pass by famous landmarks, and so much more. Pick up on the simple questions they ask, like "Where do clouds come from?" Right there you have a mini science class ready to be taught on the spot. "Why do dogs howl?" Pull out your computer, type your key words into your handy Google search engine, and class has begun. As they have to face the more mundane class work that is required of them, these moments of learning with you will color all the rest with a more pleasant relaxed feel.

Believe it or not, even you will start to love learning too.

No More Apologies

2009-12-16T15:01:00.265-06:00

OK, so you got my angst-ridden teenage story in a nutshell last week. (Finally for the girls who have been patiently waiting for part II!) So where do we go from here? If so many young women suffer silently, not knowing what to do about their inferiority problems and loathe to admit that they even have one, are so easily offended by those who would want to help them and yet badly want help, who do they turn to and what becomes of them?

I don't know about you, but every little girl I have ever known loves dressing up in her mommy's clothes, clunking around in her high heels, trying on her lipstick and pretending to be a beautiful lady. Loving beauty and wanting to be feminine is programmed into each of us to one degree or another. As we grow, people, circumstances, our own worries, fears and expectations shape our behavior and self-image. That's what happened to me. That little girl never left me, just got pushed into a corner and told to be quiet.

Breaking out of my old insecurities meant finally embracing the fact that if I felt I was a woman of value and beauty in my character, what was wrong with trying to let it show externally? I wasn't being irrational, superficial or unspiritual to love feminine things. That I didn't need a practical reason why I should wear these cute heels, other than I thought they were cute. And that I didn't have to apologize in front of my all-male family that I wanted to watch a romantic comedy, even if I knew the acting would be lousy. Funny that even writing this makes me kind of squirm with embarrassment, but as I've said, I'm a work in progress...

But one thing I have witnessed in both myself and in so many other women, is that though we may resist and insist that we are perfectly happy with the way we are, that "this is me" and "I'm just not the feminine kind," we all want to look and feel better underneath the barriers we put up for ourselves. If God created us this way, we only harm ourselves to ignore it. From the girls who go wild with suggestive clothing and promiscuous behavior to the ones who, like me, wanted to blend into the scenery with a dull nondescript appearance, they all have the same insecurities inside. Every one wants to be loved for who she is and seen as lovely and feminine, both inside and out.

Encouraging friends have helped me to bring out that stifled part of me, and has made so much of a difference. Loving who you are is such a trite cliche, but there is no other way to put it. Knowing how God made you and wired you as a woman is all a part of that. Being surrounded with supportive women of God is key to all of this. That means loving suggestions, and loving criticism - laughter and the kind of compliments that only women know how to give.

I used to look around a room full of strangers and neurotically compare myself with the women I saw. Now I very often see the familiar looks in the eyes of women who have the same insecurities I once had. I want to tell them how beautiful they are and how they could have so much fun enjoying their beauty, but I dare not say a word, because I know how painful that subject can be. Maybe they'll read this and start to see themselves through God's eyes. I wish I had learned this a long time ago. Better late than never!

The Girl Who Couldn't Take a Compliment

2009-12-09T12:51:00.000-06:00

September 1975, Lewis, Indiana. I just turned 14, had arrived from Korea where my parents worked as missionaries, just one month before. It had been five years since I had last been to the US, and though it was my home country it didn't feel anything like home to me. I was starting 9th grade knowing absolutely no one and I was terrified.

Day one, my dad drives me to Craig Jr. High, a modern (for that time) building all shiny and new. I walked into my home room class filled with beautiful, fashionably dressed white kids with blond hair and smooth complexions. I was the little half-Filipino girl with weird clothes that had been bought at the Korean market, with a hair-cut done by her mom, no make-up, no jewelry, no friends. People stared, but worse that anything were the monstrous thoughts that filled my head. I was certain that everyone hated me, that every laugh or muffled conversation was about me, that I was a freak. I sank into my seat not wanting to be seen, not knowing that my paranoid behavior made me look even stranger to their curious eyes.

I prayed that I would die right then and there. I prayed that Jesus would return, that the earth would be destroyed and I would be spared this unbearable misery. It didn't help that when I went home and cried my eyes out to my mom in shame that she just told me what she always said since I was little "But you're such a pretty girl!" I knew that I was anything but. The thought of fitting in and looking like the rest of them just wasn't possible. Make-up was forbidden and my mom was convinced that the price of American clothes was ridiculously high, that pierced ears were for "barbarians" and that I was just fine the way I was. I cried after school every single day for the first five months, much to the distress of my mother who couldn't console me.

The trauma of that year marked with self-hatred and humiliating experiences stuck with me for decades, literally. Moving back to my old school and being with old friends in Korea didn't make those negative spirits vanish, they just hovered, whispering in my ears, smothering my sense of self-worth. And so I did what I now know has become the most common and safest defense mechanism of all self-conscious girls. It's the "I'm-too-intelligent-to-care-about-looks-you-superficial-egotistical-jerks Syndrome."

I decided that I liked just wearing plain jeans and my brother's hand-me-down clothes, that pretty girls were probably brainless snobs, and that wanting to be feminine was an insult to my intelligence. People would have to like me for who I was, not what I looked like, and I wasn't about to bow to the dictates of the fashion world. I would dress the way I felt. Sloppy, unfeminine, bland.

I convinced myself that I wore what I liked, but it didn't stop me from hating what I saw in the mirror. I secretly envied girls who looked better than myself and wished I could have their figures/wardrobe/skin/hair/make-up/sense of style/confidence. But if anyone would try to offer help or a suggestion that I should change my appearance, I was up in arms, offended that they would dare imply that I was not happy with the way I was. My superior intellect transcended the shallowness of society's obsession with physical beauty - so I thought. If anyone tried to compliment me and tell me I was pretty, I was also insulted. They were being condescending and implying that I needed some lame encouragement to feel better about myself. I felt just fine, thank you, how dare you treat me like I need your compliments! How I could be so insecure and so arrogant at the same time, I have no idea.

How I became totally secure in my sense of self-worth and beauty and lost all traces of arrogance, is a chapter that will never be written. Overcoming all of this is still a work in progress and I have to admit those thoughts still attack me, sometimes daily. But things most definitely have changed. But I have written too much for one post, stay tuned for part II....

A Slightly Skewed Thanksgiving?

2009-11-27T15:15:00.000-06:00

Had a nice Thanksgiving? Did you go around the table as a lot of families do to say what you've been thankful for this year? We could all benefit from more gratefulness and awareness that all we have is because of God's mercy and love for us. But something slightly skewed can come out of this as well.

I was looking through Christian videos about Thanksgiving and saw a common assumption, that being content with what we have is always good, while being dissatisfied is always wrong. If that were true, there would be no Thanksgiving to begin with. Imagine the pilgrims being satisfied with the persecution of their faith, with the inability to worship God freely. Imagine the colonists being satisfied with the oppression of the British crown that only wanted to tax, extort and control them and even massacre them when they resisted. There's a time when being content is very, very wrong.

I am so thankful for this beautiful country where we live, and for all the abundant blessings that we have. But the abundance came through sacrifice, through the shedding of blood, through freezing winters, ragged armies, and moments when hope was almost snuffed out, all for the cause of the freedom they believed in. When you've fought, bled and sacrificed for what you know God has promised you, the blessings that follow are more precious than anything else. They stand as a reminder of God's faithfulness, and in an amazing way they continue to multiply and bless everyone around you for years to come.

Now's our chance to sacrifice. Is there anything you're willing to bleed for? Campaign of Israel: www.SucceedinLife.org

Chasing the Master

2009-11-15T15:48:00.000-06:00

We saw Nubs the Dog on the Leno Show, and my husband, being a dog lover was enthralled by his story. It was an inspiring story of loyalty and perseverance, but I only really got it when I heard Dave preach about it on Wednesday night. It hit me hard and painted a picture in my mind so vivid that I don't believe I'll ever forget it.

A wild dog surviving in the deserts of Iraq, fighting and scavenging with the other packs of ferocious dogs that inhabit his territory. An Iraqi soldier decides to capture him to turn him into a fighting dog to gamble with and slices off his ears. He's starved and sent into a ring of other snarling half-crazed dogs to fight for his life so that a few bored men can get a laugh and steal each other's money. He ends up stabbed with a screw-driver and left for dead. And he comes across a US Marine camp with the first friendly voices he has ever heard.

That in a nutshell was the life story of Nubs the dog - Nubs the name given to him by Maj. Brian Dennis who saw something good in this brute. In time the marine befriends him, and when he sees the gaping wound on his side, administers first aid the best he can, and sees him survive the night. But weeks later the soldiers receive orders to pack and travel 75 miles through the desert to set up a new camp. They drive off in their Humvees and watch Nubs chasing their convoy as far as he can before he turns into a small speck on the desert landscape. Two mornings later, who should appear at the marine Major's tent flap, but Nubs the dog. He had traveled that entire distance in 18 degree weather to stay close to the one man who cared about his life. He wasn't about to let distance or difficulty stop him.

Long story short, Major Dennis raised $5000 through emailing friends and was able to send Nubs home to sunny California, enjoying the beaches of San Diego and eating dog chow for the rest of his life. Sweet story, but as I listened to Dave preach, I heard so much more.

Working in the US, one of the most common things to hear are people complain about God not being fast enough, not caring, not answering the way they think He ought to. I can't count how many have come to God, to church, seen huge changes and then gave up on God and church when other obstacles came along, and those huge changes just faded away. No one knows what faithfulness and trust is anymore. The services are too long, the prayers don't sound just right, the music isn't my style, the building's too far away, no body pays attention to me, too many people pay attention to me, I just don't feel like believing any more. Sickening but it's the reality of the American Christian today.

Nubs had no reason to trust any human being. He had no reason to be faithful or loving to any creature at all. He had been cut, bruised, wounded, abandoned and left for dead, yet he chose to love and sacrifice himself to find the one he believed in. He chased after the master that he chose, and now is secure in a happy home. How badly do we really want God? How eager are we to chase after Him? How willing are we to forget all the horrible things in our past and just keep our eyes glued to God?

More than ever before, I want to chase down and pursue my Master until the end of my days. Who thought that a wild Iraqi dog could teach me how to honor and sacrifice to God? But then again, wasn't it Jesus who called a woman of faith a little dog one day?

Adoption - When to Let Them Know

2009-11-11T00:25:00.000-06:00

Ligia asked me a question a few weeks back about when to tell an adopted child the truth about their origins. I know quite a few adoptive families, grew up among some, and know some now. I've seen parents who have tried different methods of dealing with the subject, but the families that I saw with the happiest, most well-adjusted children were those that were completely honest from the beginning.

This is what I witnessed growing up as a missionary's daughter in Korea, where a number of other American missionaries had adopted either Korean or American babies. From what I remember, they treated the fact that they were adopted as a wonderful, beautiful experience that made those children uniquely special. My mother explained it to me so eloquently about how special a child is who has been specifically chosen by his or her adoptive parents because they were loved and wanted, yet many children who are born into families are not always loved. Her explanation even made the little 5 year-old me feel jealous and wish I had been adopted too. I was so disappointed that I wasn't!

Those parents who took orphans into their households, were proud to tell their little ones from the time they could understand, what a blessed day it was when they brought them home from the orphanage, and when they joined their family. They never lied or pretended that they were their biological parents, and never once implied that there was anything wrong with being adopted, which of course there isn't! They didn't raise them to feel pity or shame for their past, just to know the truth, and the most important truth was that they were just as loved and as precious as the rest of their biological children.

Hiding the truth and pretending only makes it worse when they do find out, because: 1. They will never fully trust that you are telling the truth about anything. 2. They will feel that you think their past is something shameful which could lead to a lot of resentment and insecurity. 3. They will see you as weak because you didn't have the courage to do what was right from the start.

If God asks us never to "bear false witness" in the 10 commandments, why should we do it to the children we have chosen to love?

Washing their mouths out with soap

2009-11-02T19:13:00.001-06:00

When I was little, the only bad words that I knew about were "dumb," "stupid," "shut-up," "darn" and "heck". Hearing someone say any of these words were enough for me to gasp, and urgently whisper to my mother, "She said a bad word!" Once when a boy in 4th grade thought he would educate me in the REAL bad words, and I laughed at the silly sounds he made. I told him that my mom had taught me all the bad words there were and if there were other ones, she surely would have told me!

Thank goodness my mom left me in a world of innocence for as long as she could when it came to cursing, and until today I feel a bit guilty using any of those five originally "forbidden" words and rarely do, if at all. But life today is different, even in Christian homes. TV permits a lot of swearing and filthy language, even children's films boost their ratings to PG by adding a few expletives, and parents in general feel that keeping their kid's mouths clean is a losing battle, so let them say what they want. Parents can't resist letting one slip every now and then, so why should they enforce something they can't even follow?

What's wrong with filthy language, and who says it's filthy in the first place? The Bible says there should be no obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, (Eph 5:4) and that an immoral person is the same as an idolater, meaning they are worshipping what is evil. That's pretty heavy stuff considering how common these words have become. That means that if we allow ourselves, and our children to speak in this manner, we are opening them up to a very evil spiritual world.

Telling your kids not to say bad words just because they are bad or rude, is not enough. Parents first have to understand how destructive evil speech can be to their entire home. There is a spirit behind all we say and confess, and we have to be the guardians of that entryway.

I have a no-tolerance policy for my kids when it comes to profanity, and I know they will never hear me use it myself. When they first heard the words on television as toddlers and repeated them, I strongly told them that they were unacceptable and they would be spanked (I know, call CPS...) if they ever repeated them again. Of course they had to test the boundaries and did repeat them and got a swift and painful reminder that they were NEVER to say that! It didn't take long before the whole issue was settled, and I never had a problem with them again.

I can just hear the complaints, "You're so mean!" If you call aggressively protecting my family from a spirit of rebelliousness, hatred and curses as being mean, then I guess I am - mean against spiritual forces that would love to tear us apart. There are many ways that evil can infiltrate our homes and lives, and being vigilant in this area, is just one way to block the harm it wants to do.

Curses are not just medieval superstition, but are making their way into families every day, by the choices we make to ignore God's Word. We can so easily replace them with encouraging, positive words, but that's another blog post!

Best Friends Forever?

2009-10-27T19:01:00.000-05:00

I always wonder about the people who remain "best friends forever," the ones who made promises to their friends in high school that they would always be there for each other, get together even after marriage and kids and basically be more faithful to their friendship than to anything else. But life is so full of change and growth and discovery that it would be very hard for anyone to truly remain best friends for decades unless either they both have the same calling on their life, or they choose to keep their lives as stagnant as possible. Am I wrong in thinking this?

Life is so full of choices, and for those of us who believe in God, the one constant choice before us is always: go with what's comfortable, or use your faith in a radical way? Compromise or sacrifice? You can begin with a group of friends, solid, caring friends who all believe in God just as you do. In time each one makes small choices, slightly different from the others and before long you are heading in different directions. What one has faith to do, the others don't and vice versa. Each one has to be sure of her own choices and not allow the others to hold her back, that's the way it should be.

Mrs. Ross had a girls prayer group meeting in her home every Wednesday after school. Her house was right next to our football field and we all looked forward to prayer-meeting day to sing and pray and talk about God with her. She was an amazing and caring woman with a real heart to reach out to us young, 12 and 13 year old wiggly, giggly, slightly goofy girls. My first experience with God, the first prayer I made of true surrender to Jesus as my Lord came about because of that group, and I know the path of my future was already marked because of Mrs. Ross' influence.

But as precious as that time was, each of us has grown and changed and taken different directions, though I'm certain, each of us loves God still. Even the friends I have right now may not be on the same path as me in the years ahead, but what matters is, am I making the right choices for God right now? Am I doing His bidding or concerned about the crowd? Letting friends go can be sad, but nothing is worth letting go of God's leading.

Leadership Tips for Mothers

2009-10-16T15:55:00.000-05:00

We're back again to topics on parenthood, for all you moms, moms-to-be, teachers and anyone else who needs a little help in getting the little ones to grow up well, here are a few worthwhile bits of advice. Let me know what areas you'd like to read about. I may not be an expert, but I've actually done all that I write about, so they're tried and true nuggets of wisdom - well, at least nuggets of common sense!

Dad is the head of the household, no doubt about that. But because of work responsibilities and time at home, it’s normally mom who takes direct control of the day-to-day decisions when it comes to raising the children. It’s a great honor to be entrusted with the molding and shaping of your little one’s lives, but at times it requires a will of steel to keep everyone in line. Being a good leader does not always come naturally, and a few basic pointers can be very helpful for those wise enough to put them into practice. Here are five of them that you can use right away:

1. Be the visionary – Promote a vision, a direction that you want your home to take and that the children can follow behind. Do you want your home to be one where God’s Spirit and character are emulated? That has to be a part of the basis for all you decide to do and make it clear that is the motivation for your decisions. Getting a good education, doing well on even the smallest jobs, helping with the household chores and showing consideration to others all need to stem from this greater vision of your home. You are the source of that vision, and if you stray from it, the kids will lose focus and motivation.

2. Be involved – For some mothers, this seems obvious, but sadly others don’t see the need. Your children’s school and activities don’t exist merely for you to escape from the stress of child-raising, they all play a part in the shaping of your child’s values and character. You need to be a part of their lives, see who it is they are befriending, know who it is that is influencing them, observe whether they are learning subtle lessons that you don’t approve of, and know about their successes. Every child feels secure and proud to have mom on the sidelines cheering them on, and will be able to handle any corrections you give because they know that your actions already show how much you care.

3. Keep the Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Show this by your own example as you show kindness to your husband and children and everyone else you come in contact with. Enforce it as a rule that is even punishable. Rudeness and selfishness cannot be tolerated.

4. Criticize wisely – Parents who just fly off the handle and yell out of emotion often find that their kids just tune them out the bigger they get. The pushier you are, the less they listen. Think carefully of a rational and clear argument to present when disciplining your child. You can be angry, but be logical and reasonable at the same time. Most likely they will already know that they are wrong, and will have a harder time arguing back when you have solid facts that speak for themselves.

5. Be quick with encouragement and praise - Acknowledging even small accomplishments can do wonders for a child’s self-esteem and desire to do even better. Don’t laugh at the mistakes they made while trying their best to do well (the painting of Daddy with six fingers…you know what I mean!) Remember that every child longs for the approval of his or her parents, and loving praise given will be returned to you with a solid bond of trust.

Etiquette and the American Teenager - Not a Pretty Picture

2009-10-05T19:19:00.000-05:00

I had so much fun reading through my mother's old book of etiquette by the grande dame of good manners, Emily Post. So many antiquated rules of behavior, like how to hold balls and dances, the duties of debutantes, proper table settings for teas and luncheons, are a lovely reminder of how refined we once were in some respects as a society years ago. I found her first book online, originally printed in 1922, and had to laugh when I read this from her chapter on conversation:

"IDEAL conversation should be a matter of equal give and take, but too often it is all “take.” The voluble talker—or chatterer—rides his own hobby straight through the hours without giving anyone else, who might also like to say something, a chance to do other than exhaustedly await the turn that never comes...

No conversation is possible between others whose ears are within reach of his ponderous voice; anecdotes, long-winded stories, dramatic and pathetic, stock his repertoire; but worst of all are his humorous yarns at which he laughs uproariously though every one else grows solemn and more solemn.
There is a simple rule, by which if one is a voluble chatterer (to be a good talker necessitates a good mind) one can at least refrain from being a pest or a bore. And the rule is merely, to stop and think."

There's no doubt that what was considered good conversation in 1922 would be quaint and funny to us today, but the basic principle of showing consideration to those listening to you, and choosing topics interesting to others, seems to be less than common among many young girls and women I know.

Knowing how to converse with people of other ages and backgrounds, of different educations and professions should be a skill that continues, especially among Christians who carry the command to spread the Good News of the Kingdom of God. Communicating and reaching out through words is essential! But if I pick out a random sampling of young people in church under 25, nine out of ten will not know how to look me in the eye and say a simple "good morning" with a smile. I know - I've tried. Asking a simple question about what they think of the latest movie will at best get you a, "I dunno, I liked it I guess," while staring at the wall and fidgeting. Makes you want to slap somebody, but then of course you don't because Emily Post would not approve,

Which makes me think its time to bring back the old finishing schools of the past that taught manners and polite behavior - Victorian England here we come! Not that I feel that the world needs more debutantes and tea parties, but a fear that perhaps some Darwinian laws are actually coming into effect and the American teenager is devolving back into primordial slime...

For those young women whom I personally know (yes, you do come under the 9 out of 10 example), send me your feedback. What would you think of some classes in communicating skills? I eagerly await your response!

Dumb Down or Smarten Up?

2009-09-17T19:04:00.001-05:00

She was walking in my direction, pushing her shopping cart when I heard her say in a loud, enthusiastic voice, "Hi! How are you?" I quickly glanced up and saw she was on her cell phone speaking with a polished professional tone as she schlepped her way through WalMart in a baggy T-shirt and her hair pulled into a messy pony-tail. I'm not an eavesdropper, but her voice was so loud I couldn't help hear that she was discussing the possibility of a job interview for a receptionist position with a potential employer. She sounded pleasant, smooth and confident, and then I heard her say, "I was planning to go, but I didn't went" That's right - didn't went.

I looked at her and with all my might, I wanted to say, "Didn't GO, it's DIDN'T GO! And then give her a lecture on why she can't expect to get a well-paying job at a good company as a receptionist if she can't speak basic English. But she was busy trying to explain why she didn't went, and I walked off to another aisle.

I have seen many articles bemoaning the "dumbing down" of our culture, the LOLs and OMGs and text gibberish of teenagers who really couldn't care less how they speak or spell anymore. Many kids grow up in families and neighborhoods that have developed their own mutant form of English, are taught in schools that are no more than assembly-line factories that slap a diploma in their hands when they reach 18, that they don't even realize how backwards they sound to everyone else. I have personally met both parents and kids who accuse employers of racism, sexism, or any other -ism when they are rejected for jobs that kids from better homes easily get. CEO's of the corporate world are worried that current high school and even college graduates are so far below the standards of education that they need for entry-level employees, some are even starting specialized training programs to make up for what schools and parents are not doing.

I know that it's tough coming from a home of immigrant parents, when no one else around you values a good education, when speaking well means sounding out of place, but the question is, are you satisfied with the place you're in right now? Who wants to be a college graduate who still doesn't know that the word forever does not include the number 4? It's not like you're learning a foreign language, it's just learning your own language correctly. Stay tuned for Part II.

The Decision That Saved His Life

2009-09-10T10:22:00.010-05:00

When Mark was 11 months old and tottering around the house on chubby little legs, I had to carefully baby-proof every room. I made sure there was no table he could pull down on himself, that all the light sockets were covered, that there were no small articles that he could put in his mouth and choke on. Also that every door that led outside was securely locked - except for that day.

Sunday after church in Durban, South Africa, we went home while my husband stayed behind to preach in the afternoon services, and Todd went to a friend's house. I fed the baby, and let him wander around as I did some laundry, thinking that I would get a head start on Monday's chores. I really don't know how many minutes passed before I realized that I no longer heard his chattering voice, I had been so lost in thought. Terror gripped me when I started to call his name and go from room to room and not hear a sound or see him anywhere. I ran up and down the hallways, and then glanced out the window to see his little body floating face-down in the swimming pool in the back yard. The one door in the back porch that was always locked had been left unlatched. He had pushed it open, and loving the pool, had walked right into it and drowned.

The first word out of my mouth was, NOOOO!!!! I ran and jumped in the pool to fish him out. He was swollen, blue and not breathing. His arms were stiffly sticking out to either side, and he was unrecognizable. He must have been there for quite some time to have transformed into this monster-like creature. I rushed him to the small carpet on the back porch and began to pump his stomach - something I had only seen on TV and remembered from a high school P.E. class.

From the moment I saw him and tried to resuscitate him, a million thoughts were running through my mind. "You idiot! Why didn't you check that door? It's all your fault that he's dead!" "Just be thankful to God that He gave you these 11 months with him on this earth, it must be his time to go to heaven." "Why are you even praying? You haven't been that spiritual lately, why do you think God would listen to you now when you don't deserve it? You're a failure as a mother!"

And then, thank God, other thoughts flooded in: "God is a healer! God does miracles! God raises the dead!" "Pray, fight for him like never before, forget whether you feel spiritual or worthy of anything - this is your child PRAY! FIGHT NOW!" Then a determination swept over me and an anger that the devil wanted to kill my son. I prayed against the feelings and told God, "If I have to pray for a week for him to come back from the dead, I'm not stopping." I made my decision and began to rebuke all the evil that was at work to steal his life.

All of this happened within seconds, but it was a decision of life and death. I was pumping his stomach, and nothing was happening. I was trying to breath into his mouth, but the air wasn't going in. I kept praying, rebuking, and doing all I could, and finally as I breathed into him once more, I felt his lungs fill and his chest rose with air. He made a tiny groan, and I knew he would live. I picked him up and he vomited all the water out of his stomach, and began to cry weakly. He was limp, gray, and couldn't move his limbs. I ran in and bundled him up in a blanket and massaged him all over, and made more decisions for God and the devil to hear:

"He will not be brain damaged."
"He will not have any paralysis or loss of movement."
"He will be perfectly normal in every way.
"He will not be traumatized by what just happened."
"He will have no fear of water, love swimming and grow to be a bold, happy and healthy boy!"

I called my husband, who was on his way home to change his shirt, something that he normally didn't do on Sundays. He prayed with me over the phone. I called the pediatrician who arranged for us to go straight into the emergency room. Then Marky ate, slept, and woke up talking away in his baby language about balls and cars and ready to play!

The trip to the hospital proved beyond a doubt that what I had decided was exactly what God had done. They had to remove us from the Intensive Care Unit because I couldn't keep him from running around the room and squealing! He was the healthiest patient there. Even a troop of student nurses, led by their head nurse, came to see me and congratulate me for having done a "wonderful job of CPR." But that wasn't what really brought Mark back to life - it was deciding to use my faith, against all odds and against all emotions. They kept us overnight, just in case some complication arose, but the doctor released us sooner than planned. As soon as we got home, I took him around to the back yard. When he spotted the pool, he stretched out his arms and shouted, "Pool! Pool!" And with all our clothes on, we hopped in and went for a lovely swim.

He is a happy, healthy, active 11 year old, who loves to help us evangelize, play soccer and is game for just about anything. But if I had decided to listen to those "logical" arguments in my head to just be thankful that I had him for 11 months, that would be exactly what God would have allowed and we would have buried him that week. The power to decide is what faith is all about. It's God's gift to us so He can show His power, but only we can make it happen.

Mom, the Dictator

2009-08-27T01:23:00.006-05:00

If there's anything that will put your decision-making skills to the test, it's being a mom. For all the warm and fuzzy dreams you may have had about sweet, easy-going days with baby, reality slaps you in the face like a wet diaper the moment you bring one home. Every moment of your day is filled with "When does he eat next?" "Did he eat enough?" "Why won't he sleep?" "Why won't he stop fussing" "What's that strange red rash he's got?" "Do I have time to run to the store to buy more Huggies before his nap?" "Do I nap along with him and finally get a few minutes rest, or do I take the time to finally get some housework done?" "How do I cook and hold a baby at the same time?" "When will I have my life back??"

But that is just the beginning. Next as they grow into little walking people, who make loud demands with a vocabulary of 25 words, you are forced to make snap decisions from minute to minute. Do you insist that he can't chew on the TV remote and deal with five minutes of heartbreaking tears? Do you have a contingency plan to quickly substitute a new and fascinating toy or a snack or video, all the while speaking firmly and excitedly about how much better B is from A? Do you let him go to the store with his shoes on backwards the way he wants and a clip-on tie attached to his t-shirt? Do you let him get away with two bites of chicken for lunch and handfulls of Cheetos?

It's like they never give you a break. You have to have eyes on the back of your head, and have ears like a hawk to wake up in the middle of the night for any emergency. And you have to be decisive. To be a successful parent, democracy goes out the window and the ultimate rule of dictatorship must prevail! OK, loving, hugging, playing dictatorship, but a dictator all the same.

The sooner your child understands that you are the Supreme Leader who's word is final, you will have a happier and more secure child. The more chaos you allow in your home, and the fewer decisions you choose to make, allowing them to call the shots and determine how each day goes, the unhappier and grumpier they will be. The longer this goes on, the less they will trust that you know what you are doing as a parent. There is no coincidence that single teenage mothers have a higher rate of emotionally disturbed children than those from a married, two-parent family. It takes a determined and focused parent to raise a stress-free, happy child.

The saddest thing to me is to counsel women who have teenagers who disrespect them, just because all their growing years, their mother was afraid of displeasing them. She wanted her children to like her so much that she denied them the leadership that they needed. She can't understand why they are now so rebellious when she did so much for them in the past.

Want a sure guarantee of messing up your kids? Be indecisive. Afraid of making decisions? Believe me, motherhood is not for you!

D-Day 2009, by David Higginbotham

2009-08-12T21:26:00.004-05:00

During the Second World War a time came when leaders of the Allied Forces knew they needed a decisive victory if they were going to win the war against Nazi Germany. So they decided on a plan, spent months preparing themselves and then on June 6th, 1944, launched the largest single-day amphibious assault of all time – popularly known as D-Day.

160,000 troops were packed into 6900 ships and transported by night across the English Channel from England to France, where they were to run onto unprotected beaches and confront German tanks, one million mines and machine gun nests. For additional support, overnight parachute and glider landings placed thousands of troops behind enemy lines.

Crazy you say? Absolutely! But it was the turning point of WWII. Before that day the Allied Forces were losing the war. London was on fire from daily aerial bombings and most of Europe was in the hands of the Nazis. So something drastic had to be done.

Within one month over one million troops had landed on the Normandy beaches and German troops were in retreat. The rest is history.

The spirit of the Day of Decision is exactly the same. All or nothing. Throw everything you have into one all-out leap of faith. Be audacious. Stop doing what doesn’t work and try something new.

65 years ago the Allied commanders knew that if they kept up the normal routine, defeat was guaranteed. But what about you today? If you keep doing the same old things, what can you really expect? Aren’t you guaranteed more of the same, or worse?
On the Day of Decision we propose that you challenge God to begin to show His power in your life in a tangible, concrete way that’ll leave no doubts. Declare your personal D-Day on September 13.

No words. Just action. Win the war for a better life.

Succeed in Life Center 5150 N. SHepherd Dr. Houston, Texas, 77018 1-888-691-2291 www.succeedinlife.org

When It's Time to Let Them Go

2009-07-21T20:18:00.005-05:00

From the time they are born, our greatest goal is to raise them to become productive, well-balanced and happy adults that can conquer the battles of life with relative ease. Going to school, eating well, washing their hands after they use the toilet, looking both ways before they cross the street, saying please and thank you and tying their shoes can take up so much time that we forget that we are to be shaping character above all.

And the best way for character to develop is for each of them to learn to make their own choices, and to be true to themselves - especially when they reach the teen and young adult stage when decisions can be so much more life changing. As heartrending as it may be when they don't jump at the opportunities that we think are so "right" for them, it's so much more painful to try and force them to be what they are not, and then see the situation explode before our eyes.

Here are some things I've learned and have worked well so far over the years:

!. Show your soon-to-be adult, that you believe in him/her, that you see the great potential just waiting to be developed
2. Find out what they truly feel about the direction of their life and what they want. Make sure you keep what YOU want out of the picture.
3. Encourage honesty and sincerity - with themselves, with you and with God.
4. Help them sort through any confusing or conflicting feelings or thoughts without pressuring them to fit your mold.
5. Pray with them and teach them to pray, to ask God for His guidance and to fight back against all the negative feelings he or she may have. When your child learns to depend on God, wants Him to be Lord of his life and develops a close bond of trust with Him, the rest will fall into place without any pushiness on your part.
6. Back off and practice what you preach. Trust God to do what is now out of your hands - turning your child into a new creature for His glory.

You didn't think you could control them forever, did you?

Random Myths that Need Busting

2009-07-15T13:48:00.005-05:00

Myth: It is unfair, unhealthy and unethical to be asked to work more that 40 hours a week.

Fact: When you are working at something you love, and something that you know will bless your life, extra hours put in on the job are a joy and should be seen as an investment with great returns.

Myth: You should not speak about unpleasant subjects such as death, war, abuse or the occult in front of your children or they will be traumatized.

Fact: You'd better speak to your children about all of the above! They need to hear the truth about how God views all of them from your mouth before they start forming their own opinions based on what they see on TV. If you are scared or upset about any of these, they will be as well. If you understand the freedom and authority God gives us over all evil, than these subjects can turn into beautiful discussions of how much we can help others who are suffering. They will feel so secure and happy knowing that there is a power greater than whatever they may fear.

Myth: When dividing the workload among coworkers, you should stick to what you have been assigned to. If you ever help to fix someone else's problems without being asked, you are bordering on sainthood. Keep track of how many times you have done extra to make sure you don't get taken advantage of.

Fact: Giving cheerfully and freely is a sure way of receiving from God much more than you gave. If your kindness is done with a grudge, nothing will come of it, just extra calories spent. But if it's done purposefully in faith, with a willing heart, be ready for the blessings to roll in! "If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away." (Mat. 5:40-42)

Myth: If you suspect that others misunderstand or dislike you, shrink out of sight as much as possible. Speak and appear as little as possible. The less they know about you the less they'll have to say, and might forget you're even there.

Fact: If you suspect others misunderstand you, and it is important that you all get along well, prove them wrong! Interact with them if you can, share your thoughts and sincere feelings, your sense of humor, and best of all, ask them for advice. Even the crustiest, unfriendliest, thick-skinned person loves to have their opinions valued. Hiding only reinforces their suspicions that there might be something fishy about you.

Myth: Be aware of your status, compare yourself and the work you're asked to do with others around you. If you feel like you are on the bottom of the pile - you are! Be sure you show your resentment at being given demeaning and humiliating jobs.

Fact: There is a good chance that others around you are doing tough and unpleasant jobs as well, but have chosen to see them in a positive light so that they can excel and move on. You can choose to love the tasks you are given, unless you are convinced your job is not worth your time - then quit and find another. Otherwise, "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ." (Col. 3:23)

Myths and legends are not just in fairy tales, they creep into real life a little too easily!

For all who say God doesn't do miracles

2009-06-15T17:58:00.004-05:00

The Fussy Eater

2009-06-11T11:54:00.006-05:00

It's fascinating to see that around the world, parents have very different ideas of what children can and can't eat. My friend who worked in our church in India prepared a meal for an Indian pastor's family, but as the parents politely ate, the children tried to hide their dislike for the chicken and potatoes that were on their plate. When she finally pulled out the fiery hot sauce in a little bottle, their mother liberally drenched the food in it and the children munched away happily.

In another part of the world I watched in horror as mothers would pile spoonfuls of sugar into their children's already super-sweet chocolate milk, and in other places fill baby bottles with Coke! They would also look at me in horror as my children would bite into a freshly chopped piece of celery. "What?? They can eat that???"

There was an age when my boys began stuffing anything their little fists could grab a hold of, into their mouths. TV remotes, cell phones, shoes, belt buckles...I had to be on constant guard duty to monitor what was going into their mouths. Babies explore the world around them at a few months old through the taste and tactile experience of their mouths as their vision and hearing are not yet well developed. That was a perfect time to start placing thick chopped carrot sticks into their hands and other healthy vegetables for them to gnaw on with their toothless gums and develop a taste for. If they swallowed some of the vegetable juice, all the better for them.

As they grew into toddlers, there was no fight to get them to enjoy a snack of raw carrots, sweet peppers or celery, because they had already enjoyed them as babies. As they got older the challenge came to get them to eat cooked broccoli, peas and other such typically "nasty" food for children. My husband was very instrumental in this phase of the game, and since I had boys his strategy worked perfectly.

"Don't eat that!" he'd shout, "Those are trees!" he said pointing to the broccoli. "Only giants eat those - like me!" That was all it took, and they'd be defiantly chewing off the tops of trees to prove that they were as tough as giants. They made faces at the bitter taste at first, but because of Dad's reaction they'd keep eating to show off their "bravery". Peas were bullets, string beans were guns, etc. etc. Some meal conversations were completely taken up with him exclaiming, "I can't believe you just ate that! Stop!!!" with little mouths busy with vegetables exploding in their teeth...Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little sanity to teach a lesson that will last a good long time.

With girls, another tactic might work better if they have no interest in proving a resemblance to giants. Choose a good role model that they would want to emulate - a woman in sports who has to eat well, a character in a book, a famous woman in history or in the Bible when Coke and candy hadn't yet made their way into anyone's diet. Also, bribery done right can actually work wonders. They have to eat their vegetables well for one or two weeks straight without complaining and then they will earn the right to have their favorite toy, clothes - fill in the blank. By the end of those two weeks, chances are they'll actually begin to like those foods, or at least dislike them a little less. The human tongue can be trained to like or dislike tastes much more readily that we think.

The trick is to have healthy food in front of them as often as possible, and limit the unhealthy to very small amounts or reserve them for special occasions. Moms who stock their kitchens with lots of sugary sodas, processed foods, white breads and candy have no right to complain that their children don't eat well. If they see a healthy food often enough, and see you and your husband enjoying it, it's highly likely that they will eventually try it and like it as well. If you've already decided that they don't like it and don't even try to offer it, how do you expect them to develop a taste for it? Common sense; yet strangely not so common any more.

Normal: Whatever we're used to

2009-06-02T19:27:00.003-05:00

Ditching school, shoplifting, hating Dad's newest girlfriend, no one home after school, cruising the streets with gang-bangers, coke, meth, weed, fast money, pregnant teenage cousin, tatoos and revealing clothes. That was normal for Dawn and everyone in her neighborhood in East LA.

But changing "normal" meant Dawn had to believe in something so much better, something she had never experienced, and she was ready to take that risk. When Dawn started to see that she could actually go back to school and do well, that she could get rid of the drugs and even the desire for them, that God was actually answering her prayers and that she could rise above her past, "normal" took on a whole new meaning. It was as if the clouds parted and a beam of light came piercing into her soul. Her children saw it clearly and loved who she was turning into. Her family members began to come to church, tatooed, pierced and with rap sheets a mile long. They cried, they prayed they testified about what God was doing in their lives and how they would never go back - ever.

But with time, Dawn heard another voice in her head: "You're not one of these people. You've never held down a job in your life. No one in your family has ever held down an honest job. You belong on the streets. Who do you think you are?"

After a year of wonderful victories, of seeing her children blossom and grow in faith, in character and in happiness, Dawn slipped back into that old comfortable pit of "normal". Her kids begged her to take them to church. But she chose that old voice over a new life, and slowly her brothers and their families fell away too.

Dawn's case was so sad and so maddening to see, true. But how about us? How much do we accept as "normal" what in actuality is so far from what God wants for us? Half-hearted prayers, nominal faith, minimum concern for others, worries and fears that block out His voice...Could be that our "normal" is just as senseless as Dawn's.

Loving the Unlovable

2009-05-26T19:35:00.005-05:00

I was about to turn 22, just newly married and moved with my husband to our new home for the next three years in Davenport, Iowa. Fresh out of college, I thought I'd get a nice secretarial job, but it wasn't all that easy. The town was going through and economic recession and jobs were scarce. Ironically, I was "over qualified" for the ones I wanted, and it took a while before I found the opening for a home-health aide. Kind of a step down from a nurse's aid.

I was to drive from house to house throughout the neighboring towns to visit the elderly and handicapped who had signed up for help with their household chores, cooking, bathing, feeding, and administering their medications. I was to be trained in basic first aid and nursing care at the local community college, and be paid by the hour plus gas money per mile that I drove.

I was actually excited about caring for sweet old grandmas. I just imagined how grateful they would be and what a lovely time we'd have together. That illusion lasted less than a day. The reality was that many who needed home care were those who had no family, no one to bother looking after them in their old age. They were often senile, suspicious, angry, even hostile to deal with. They shouted, swung their canes, accused me of stealing their loose change, demanded that I clean much more than I could in the time frame I was allowed. They were difficult to bathe, left piles of soiled clothing for me to clean, wouldn't eat the food I prepared, and their homes often smelled of old urine. I tried my best to show kindness and they returned it with bitterness. They were sad, lonely and very very unlovable, but they desperately needed someone to care about their forgotten lives.

I came to dread going to work, knowing that I was getting paid minimum wage for doing the job that only an angel could endure. But I remembered that Jesus asked if we love only those who love us back, what reward will be have? He wants us to love even those who persecute us. Loving the unlovable was a very unglamorous, humiliating and thankless job. But then again, isn't that the kind of treatment God gets from His creation every single day? As much as we have been loved by God when we haven't deserved an ounce of it, we ought to be able to forgive, love and reach out to others whether they ever thank us or not.

I'm sure by now all of those people I cared for 25 years ago have passed away, but the love I invested is already being multiplied and returned to me and will continue to do so for eternity. It proves that any sacrifice made out of faith is worth it. Just enough to make me want to invest so much more.

Let the poor say I am rich...

2009-05-19T12:56:00.005-05:00

When my mom and dad knew that they were to be sent to work as missionaries in South Korea in the mid 1950's, the first thing they did was go to school. They studied Korean language, history and church growth classes. For two years before they even set foot on Korean soil, they were immersed in the preparations of a lifetime of service to the church in Korea. It was exciting and dangerous and challenging for them to arrive with two little children (I wasn't born yet), to adjust to that war-torn land.

As years went by and I came along, their Korean language skills improved tremendously, my dad could navigate through the most treacherous streets in his Land Rover, negotiate out of a traffic ticket with any Korean policeman, and befriend practically anyone he met. They were constantly going to church meetings, grand openings of Christian schools, or new churches out in the countryside, making long speeches surrounded with Korean church officials. The church, the country, the service to those people was their life...but not mine.

I learned to love some of the food and parts of the culture, but every time we'd see an American TV show on the US military channel, I would long for that far distant country that was supposedly my own. The Korean toys and dolls of 1968 were so poor and uninteresting, and the clothes were so odd when I compared them to the Sears catalog my grandmother would send us every six months. My siblings and I would dream of chocolate ice cream, American hamburgers, real pizza with real cheese, everything American. In the process, I began to resent the fact that I was stuck in a third world country while my cousins got to have what I thought, was the best of everything.

Only years later did I come to realize how shameful my attitude had been, how much of a blessing it was to experience another country, to have the opportunity to learn another language and to have the honor of being a part of the work of God. I had a rich and extraordinary childhood, but in the cold winters with the air thick with the smell of rotten fish from the open markets, with roads full of frozen mud puddles and lined with beggars, I just couldn't see it.

Now I am so thankful that God gave me that past, and I feel a sense of grief when I see others who have come to the US, whose hearts and minds still cling to their countries and refuse to learn the beautiful lessons that God has for them here. I was a selfish child who wanted what I couldn't have, and I've tried my best to make sure my children never hold those attitudes no matter where we've lived. I just wish others who have it so easy could understand.

Discipline - It's Not About the Cookies!

2009-05-11T15:07:00.005-05:00

We've probably all seen it in shopping centers and supermarkets. The bedraggled mother with a whining, demanding child that won't stop complaining. She pushes her cart through the store with a glazed look in her eyes, staring at something in the distance as her tear-stained, candy-stained, booger-stained screaming bundle of joy lets everyone know how miserable/mad/tired/hungry/unloved he or she feels. Most of us walk by and try to pretend we don't notice, but I for one wish she would just do something!

Disciplining a child can be tricky if you don't know what you're trying to accomplish. Basically what you want is a child who knows how to control his emotions and behave in a courteous and respectful manner, while at the same time enjoying the fun of being a child. What many mothers get confused with is trying to discipline their child for their actions more than for their attitudes.

"Don't eat those cookies, they're for dessert!" Meanwhile his little mouth waters as you walk out the kitchen door to answer the phone. You know of course what happens. When you walk back in and see the trail of chocolate chips and cookie crumbs on the counter and a guilty look on his face, what do you do?

A. Scold him, maybe smack his hand for disobeying you, and make him sit on the sofa alone with no TV for a few minutes
B. Ask him, "Why did you do that? I told you not to do that!" and then clean up his mess as he runs off to hide
C. Laugh at how cute he looks with his guilty expression and crumbs all over his face, which makes him laugh too

As much as I wanted to do C, I always stuck to A. I know, I know it sounds so mean, just for a few cookies, and after all they're just precious little children...

But I had a reason to be tough on cookie offenders. Behind the simple act of eating the forbidden food, was also a test of how far can I push Mommy? Does she really mean what she says? Do I have to obey her ALL of the time? Can I use my adorableness to get away with minor crimes and manipulate her in the future? Of course they're not all thinking these deep thoughts, but they are feeling them without a doubt. Your children will draw conclusions about you and about your dependability as the authority over them based on how you enforce your boundaries.

The whole reason for the quick and forceful reaction on my part was to get his attention that Mommy's authority is not to be messed with. It really had nothing to do with the cookies themselves, it had to do with making sure that an attitude of Me vs. Mom wouldn't begin. It's either I stay within Mommy's boundaries where it's safe, or I get hurt. To ensure that they want to please you and stay close to you, the next step after discipline, is absolutely essential:

Once you know they're sorry for what they've done, they're not angry that you disciplined them (if they are, they'll need another dose of discipline - but that's for another blog post), they're feeling humbled and repentant and vulnerable, that's when you hold them close, give them plenty of kisses and kind words and tell them that you love them, BUT, you do this because you want them to grow up right. Make sure they say they're sorry, then make sure you tell them you forgive them. And then it's all forgotten, just like God treats us! It's back to normal, playing, working laughing and getting ready for Daddy to come home.

It doesn't hurt to make sure they get an extra big cookie once it's time for dessert - after all, it's not about the cookies!

Moms and Playtime

2009-04-26T15:35:00.007-05:00

Being a mom is such a combination of adjectives! Fun, exhausting, fulfilling, frustrating, draining, enriching...if you're a mom, you know what I mean. But one thing is certain. It's a big responsibility that should never be taken lightly. You are the primary source of education for your child. They learn more than their ABC's, but how to see the world around them. You teach them how to laugh, how to feel empathy for others, how to show kindness, how to value hard work, how to appreciate good food, a healthy life-style, a happy loving family - or conversely, you can easily teach the opposite of all of these. They do come into this world with their own unique personality and set of talents, but it's you that shapes their character. Not so much with lessons and explanations, although those are very important, but mostly by example.

What's the best time to teach your little ones? Playtime! Playing blocks, dolls or super-heroes with them can actually help you understand their world the way they see it, and help shape that view to be a healthy, fear-free one. Here are some great play tips for 3-8 year-olds that can probably extend to older years as well with some modifications.

!. Let them choose what they want to play (soldiers, doctors, fairy princesses, ballerinas, garbage men...) and let them start with you fully engaged in play.

2. Don't laugh at them or make fun of the crazy imaginative scenarios they choose, e.g. They want you to be the super-mommy who has the power to destroy bad guys with the remote control, and then zap a chocolate cake into existence with the same weapon. Have fun with it, play along and act like you think their idea was great.

3. Start looking for clues about their fears and their frustrations as they play. You will be able to sense how badly they want to be a hero, if their imaginary villain makes them angry or if it's just plain fun to pretend they're winning a battle. For girls you'll be able to see if she wants to be a music star and be admired by everyone, or be a teacher and order her students (probably you and all her stuffed animals) around.

4. Gently guide playtime to help them deal with their imaginary "problems" in healthy, positive ways without completely taking over. Let them feel like they have a part in the decision on what direction playtime takes. A boy who is pretending to be a warrior may really need to feel like a hero. Don't worry that as he swings around his sword and wants to plunge it into the giant Barney toy, that he'll grow up to be a mass murderer! He needs to believe that he is strong and can handle any threat in his life. Make sure, however that he is not acting out frustration or anger, because that shows he has underlying issues of aggression that you will have to help him overcome. Let him win the battle, but then produce another scenario where he'll need to show compassion or kindness, and be a hero for doing that as well.

5. Enthusiastically praise your child for their imagined conquests and achievements. They must always be the smartest, strongest, most amazing children you ever knew in your whole life! But then help to balance the scales if you noticed some negative attitudes. The girl who is dying to be the next Hannah Montana may need some reassurance that she is beautiful for who she is and doesn't need to compete with a TV personality. Go overboard and show her that she is even better than that in your eyes.

Parents who understand the value of playtime, the insights they can gain into their child's mind, and the effectiveness of play as a time to teach and guide, can cut off harmful attitudes and insecurities at the root, long before they have a chance to grow. Your child will carry those wonderful memories of playtime with you for the rest of his or her life. Don't let these years pass you by without investing in good, fun play!

Little lambs in a hostile world

2009-04-20T18:53:00.008-05:00

Sometimes Mark and I take a walk down to the playground nearby to kick around his soccer ball, and I wonder about the little children I see so often unsupervised. It's as if their parents just want them out of the house, and by the way they behave, you can tell that they don't get much attention inside the house either. But they're out there, an open target for anyone who would want to take advantage of these young lives, sad to say.

On the other hand, you can always tell who the children are that are well loved and cared for. They have their moms hovering around like helicopters, watching every move, shouting encouragement and praises when they reach the top of the slide, and warning them to remember to play nice with the others. They bring a pack of juice, and wet wipes for their hands, and an extra sweater, and keep a first aid kit in the car. They may look overprotective, but reality demands that if you want to be a good parent these days, you protect.

And then there were the little girls who were playing alone, one about 8 watching over her little sister of about 5. The other moms were asking each other who they belonged to, and ended up having to help the girls tie a shoe and reach the water fountain for a drink. Where was their mother, and why did she think it was safe to let them wander through the neighborhood alone? Doesn't she watch the evening news? We watched them walk off in the direction of what we hoped was their home, hand in hand, dirty and the smallest one crying because she had fallen and hurt herself. Two little defenseless lambs, so vulnerable.

The age for having children to help tend the farm and let them run wild through the fields when work is done, has long gone. The dangers for children generations ago lay mostly in diseases, hunger and the strain of hard labor. Today our children face the danger of people who would willingly commit violence against them. Thankfully there are still many good hearted and honest people who wouldn't dare hurt a child. But who are they and where are they, is not so easy to answer.

For those who want to have children, your job as their protector is a serious one. You are bringing them into a hostile world and if you are not prepared to fight for their safety, it would be better for you not to have them at all. For those of you who do have children, you have precious lives entrusted to you. Take good care that they make it through their childhood with their innocence intact.

The Gift of Intuition

2009-04-15T21:00:00.006-05:00

Women are different than men. (I figured that one out some time ago, even though there are still a few who argue that it's all just a difference in bodily functions.) Women have a tendency to be more emotional in their responses than men, and to make emotionally based decisions, which like it or not, gets us into a lot of trouble and helps to perpetuate the idea that we are untrustworthy and unstable. Men on the other hand can much more easily make cold calculating decisions than we do, and there's a downside to that as well because they can get into trouble for being insensitive and thoughtless. We each have our strengths, and though following emotions can wreak havoc, there is something very positive to be said about them, if used the way God intended.

Across centuries and cultures, it has always been women who were the ones who nurtured and raised families, who were at the heart of the home. It has been women who were primarily blessed with the challenge of being the interpreter of baby talk, understanding the cries in the middle of the night that meant either fear, hunger, pain or a poopy diaper. Women have had to be the negotiators of toddlers who can't understand why they have to share, but do understand a well offered bribe of cookies if they behave well. Women have had to read the worried looks on their teenage daughter's faces, harvest information from their son's silent stares, offer love and support to their stressed-out husbands without appearing to be preachy or insulting, and have just the right kind of meal on the table to warm the hearts of the grumpiest household. Women have had to fine-tune the art of soothing and easing and uplifting the emotions of their families from generation to generation, so that we all could get on with the daily battles of life.

Men often deal with the obvious tangible problems that arise, and only after years of marriage to a wise woman, learn to look deeper. Women, on the other hand, are more tuned-in to problems that are brewing under the surface: the sadness, the fears, the unspoken pain, and are gifted with the ability to bring healing before anyone even realizes that healing is needed. Call it intuition, or sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, the world would be a very bleak place without this gift that women have.

Next time you feel like criticizing women for being too emotional, thank the Lord above that He made us this way!

Bozos and the Human Condition

2009-04-07T09:20:00.005-05:00

I am on the brink of taking my washing machine repairman to court. I really don't want to have to do that, but if it's the only way to fix the damage he did to my property, then I'll do it. By the way if anyone needs repairs, DON'T use the Appliance Service Company run by Josh Cohen in Houston, Texas! They may fix your machines, but if they do anything wrong they'll squirm out of taking responsibility. I know, i've been trying to get them to keep their promise to fix their mess since January.

The problem isn't that they deny that they destroyed a patch of the concrete on my back porch, or that they are not polite to me over the phone and call me "Ma'am" and say their boss will get right back to me as soon as he's available. They've apologized, they've vowed that they have a good reputation for righting any wrongs they've done. They even sent the repairman Jason, back to look at what he'd done and promise to be back the next week to clean it up (it can't be cleaned, it has to be repaired). They're pleasant, courteous, and they lie through their teeth. Josh has only spoken to me once - though I've left literally dozens of messages for him over the last three months. Jason has never appeared to clean up the mess as he promised, breaking 3 different appointments that he had made. I've gone to the trouble of providing a very reasonable estimate from another company to fix the problem, and guess what? Just ten minutes ago I talked to one of the guys who answered the phone who told me, "Yeah, Josh is kinda busy right now, but he'll get right back to you as soon as possible." Translation-"Yeah, right lady, bug off, you ain't getting any money out of us!"

So now I'm in the uncomfortable place of having to file a legal complaint against these bozos and I don't like it one bit, but I like the bright six foot wide acid stain on my concrete even less. So unless the fear of God and hellfire and brimstone doesn't overtake Mr. Cohen to have a change of heart and pay me what is due (which I heartily pray for every day), I will have to see them in front of a judge in the county courthouse.

And now for the lesson of the day: We have all committed the sin of being a bozo - admit it, it's true. There have been too many times that we didn't want to own up to our mistakes, when we wouldn't make restoration for the harm we did to other people. If there was an easy way out of a problem, we'd take it, if we could just ignore it in the hopes that it would go away, we would. Human nature always wants a free ride, and when we can get it, we sigh in relief that we weren't caught. But when we are the ones who are harmed, we can be the most self righteous, condemning people on earth. I don't want to be either, because as much as I can't stand irresponsible people, I can neither stand people who look down their noses in superiority. So from one self-confessed (former) bozo to another: Josh Cohen, you're getting sued!

Who's the April Fool?

2009-04-01T16:35:00.002-05:00

In my daily musings and observations, I run across a lot of conversations, bits of news and snatches of people's reactions - including my own, that show that we as a species are a ridiculous bunch of fools when it all comes down to it. It's not because we're not intelligent, it's not that we have no common sense, it's just that we so frequently go without using either.

Case in point: We live in this amazingly complex world where even the tiniest cell of a microscopic organism functions like a well organized kingdom, where the most common weed has a beauty of its own, and where new species are being discovered much to the surprise of scientists who thought they had it all figured out, and yet people still go around acting as if God is a crutch invented for weak people to lean on. Somehow it just so happens that the Earth spins on its axis at exactly the right distance from our sun with an atmosphere the perfect combination of oxygen, water and other elements to sustain life, and no other planet within millions of light-years away has been found that can do the same. Yeah, I guess they're right, no evidence to support the God theory...

And what about those of us who say we do believe in God? How about Mrs. C, a sweet church going lady who says she can't understand why God doesn't answer her prayers, had an opportunity to pull her small business way out of debt just recently. She prayed, we prayed, and God answered in the form of a client willing to invest with hard cash. But in the middle of the transaction, a glitch came up. A very annoying glitch, but one that could have been sorted out with a bit of determination and faith. But what did she do? She got angry with God and gave up, blaming Him the whole way. The investor flew back home on his private jet, leaving her just as much in debt as before.

The worst thing is that most people would look at this picture and blame God as well. Why couldn't He just make it go smoothly? Why did He let her down? Doesn't He care how much she needs this money? Our "common sense" when it comes to God can be so childish. Why don't we ask instead, "Why did she give up and not believe that God would make it go smoothly? Why did she let God and herself down? Doesn't she know how much God cares about her needs?" Sometimes the right questions and the right answers are right there, but we are just too foolish and self-centered to see them. The ones that see the miracles are the ones that get it, that fight for it, that don't let discouragement get in the way. Which is why so few people have ever seen a miracle, but then again, maybe miracles are just a crutch for weak people.

Get Mad - It's Good for You!

2009-03-08T22:06:00.004-05:00

There are plenty of things going on in this world that should make us furious. From the young girls that are being sold into the sex trade by their own mothers in Iraq, (a 14 year old virgin can bring in over $30,000) and the rape victims in India who are stoned to death because they dishonored their family name, to the children who come to my church who have to endure the humiliation and abuse of drug addicted parents...The runaway teenage girl who ran straight into the arms of the boy in the youth group who was trying to straighten up his life and instead made her pregnant. It makes you want to shake some sense into people, doesn't it? But the most maddening thing is that too many people who claim to believe in God have come to the point where they shrug their shoulders and say, "Well, what else can we do?"

One of the best and most effective strategies of hell, is to make us all complacent. To stop getting angry and to just let things go. We may be shocked, wag our heads in disagreement and wish for the days when life was more innocent, but when all is said and done, the standards that we say we hold to, we can so easily let slide into the sewer.

I listened to Bristol Palin, the daughter of evangelical Christian Gov. Sarah Palin, giving what was supposed to be her heartfelt sentiments on teenage pregnancy in an interview on the news. "I'd love to [be] an advocate to prevent teen pregnancy because it's not, like, a situation that you would want to strive for, I guess," Bristol said. She told the interviewer that abstaining from sex before marriage is the best, "but not realistic at all." Thanks Bristol. Young women all over the country are so inspired - I guess.

Everything in her interview revolved around how tough things are on her: having to scale back on her teenage activities, stay awake late at night, and have to care for someone else. But what about the huge disservice she has done to this child, to have to grow up in a home without a mother and father who are in a committed, adult, marriage relationship? What about the damage done to the attitudes of young girls who hear her pathetic attempt to discourage teenage pregnancy with her confession that it's just unrealistic? If you're that wimpy about it, just stay home and say nothing - please!

Complacency. Claiming to believe in a right and wrong, but when it gets too tough to handle, just shrug your shoulders and do nothing. Don't fight, don't revolt, don't insist that life could be better. Just give up, it's so much easier.

Just writing this makes me mad, and that is a really good thing! If complacency is a strategy of hell, then a full-frontal spiritual attack is the only choice we have. Our prayers of spiritual warfare on the part of those we see who are suffering, and stepping out of our comfort zones to rescue people who are destroying themselves, are all a part of standing up to the chaos that's all around us. Let's all stop being so nice and passive - get mad and do some fighting back!

And the Award Goes To...

2009-02-22T22:54:00.000-06:00

I love movies, I enjoy good acting, realistic dialogue, an unpredictable plot, a true message, interesting faces and voices and faraway places and all with a warm box of popcorn on my lap. Love it. i appreciate all the hard work, the research, the carefully selected wardrobe, the immaculate make-up, the hair-dos appropriate to the historical setting, the computer generated effects, the moving sound-track and the precision camera work. So nice of them to give me a couple hours of fantasy for a handful of dollars when I have nothing better to do.

But I always feel a bit like throwing up when I watch them cry and hold their hands over their hearts and "thank the Academy" for their golden statues, and act as if they were heroes to a thunderous standing ovation - like they had just rescued an entire country from a nuclear holocaust. They love congratulating themselves and honoring themselves and spending massive amounts of money on the most expensive wardrobes to celebrate how well they pretend to be other people. And we let them get away with it because it's such a part of our culture, what else can we do? We put the money in their pockets after all, and they do give us a heck of a show...

Meanwhile how about the ones who really do rescue people? Who is giving them golden statues and throwing giant parties, who is screaming out their names, just dying to get a glimpse of their face? Who has their teenage kids plastering the faces of these real heroes on their bedroom walls and wishing they could be just like them?

There are silent heroes all over the world, who pull people out of the pit of death, who rescue the suicidal, who heal, teach, give hope, inspire, and light the way to God Himself. You can tell who the real heroes are, because they couldn't care less about the recognition, the parties and the awards. They know that what is waiting for them, surpasses everything that Hollywood could ever offer - by far. So I guess we can let the pretty people have their statues. I'd rather hang around with the real heroes any day.

Overtalkers Annonymous

2009-02-13T13:32:00.001-06:00

Ever had to deal with overtalkers? They're the people who think that you want to hear everything they have to say, and can't take a hint that you stopped listening a few minutes ago? I do a lot of counseling, and I'm aware that sometimes when people come to talk about their problems, they can't quite explain just what they're going through and they end up going around in circles a bit, trying to work things out in their minds. That's fine, and sometimes that's the only way to sift through the confusion of feelings and thoughts to finally pinpoint what's wrong. But what I'm talking about are those people that are supposed to know what they're talking about; those who are supposed to have their answers already figured out before you came to them.

"So how much time will it take before these ant colonies in my roof will disappear?" I ask the pest-control guy.

"Well, ya have to know the way these little guys think. Studies have shown that ants are highly intelligent and can evade termination for long periods of time. In fact there was a study in the University of Michigan...or was it Wisconsin? No, no I think it was published in Ant World Monthly, I could get you a copy of it if you'd like, that described the mating habits of the New Guinea spotted wood ant, and you know ma'am, when you're an expert like me......

Meanwhile I'm standing at my front door with a plastic grin on my face, nodding every two seconds pretending to care and thinking, "Will you just do your job and leave?!"

It's really interesting being on the opposite side of the conversation when you're the one used to dishing out the advice and answering the questions. The worst thing is to imagine that everyone else wants to hear ourselves talk, and that we already know what they want to hear even if they didn't ask. For those of you out there who spend a lot of time counseling in your churches or schools, beware of the plastic grin, the constantly nodding head, the glazed look in the eyes - you're boring the pants off of them, I guarantee. Listen first, and think hard about what comes out of your mouth, and make sure it's what they're ready and need to hear.

And guess what? The ants magically disappeared, and I still haven't read a single journal on them. Amazing.

Eager Young Minds

2008-12-28T14:45:00.000-06:00

I was a surprise when my mom found out that she was expecting me. My parents already had two, a girl and a boy two years apart, she was close to 40 and hadn't planned on any more. But five years after my brother was born, lo and behold, here I came! Of course because of their ages, my two older siblings were closer to each other than either one was to me, and I was (and still am) the baby of the family.

With busy parents who had spent most of their energy raising the first two, I spent a lot of time playing by myself, and I was always eager to be a part of the forbidden "big kids" world. Yet every once in a while my brother, 5 years older than I, would take it upon himself to explain the world to me. Just things in general, stuff I didn't particularly ask about. He'd get a notion that he wanted to teach me about what he was learning in history class, and he'd launch into this fascinating explanation of life in the 1700's. Or sometimes he'd tell me all about the life of spies (as if he really knew). And though I couldn't understand much, the fact that someone cared enough to talk to me meant the world.

"You know Evelyn," he said once, "back in the days of the wild west, people weren't so concerned about taking baths all the time. They would just do it on Sunday mornings before church and the rest of the week just wipe themselves down with a cloth." I was amazed. "Look at how wasteful we are these days with modern showers and all these shampoos. We're ruining the environment because we're too obsessed with bathing every day." It was a revelation. The heavens parted and I saw the light and the error of my ways. I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would only bathe once a week.

I didn't enjoy this new vow and I really missed a good scrubbing in my daily shower, but because of the kindness of my "mentor" who took the time to enlighten his little tag-along sister with his wisdom, I willingly endured my suffering to know that somehow I was benefitting the planet. How being grimy and smelly made the world a better place, I wasn't too sure, but if my brother said so, then it had to be.

Needless to say, this didn't last long when my mother discovered that my hair was a mess and I was roundly scolded for what she thought was laziness. I went back to my old routine of a shower every night, but I never got upset with my brother for giving me bad advice. The kindness of his attention meant everything to me, and for that I was eternally grateful. I have always had a special spot in my heart for my brother even though we barely see each other any more and we both have our own lives and families. He cared and valued me when I felt like no one else did.

There are kids around us, just waiting for someone to take them under their wing and give them some kindness, attention and guidance Sure there are the kids that don't want to learn from anyone (or at least they act that way) but there are plenty who may go unnoticed. There are things in this world that are confusing to them and to have someone take the time to make sense of it all for their young minds, could make all the difference for their futures.

Just make sure they take their baths.

Life is so unfair

2008-11-07T22:58:00.000-06:00

"It's so unfair, the owners of this company are so rich, they should give us all a raise and better benefits. It's like we're their slaves," said Danielle, complaining about the huge mega-mart she worked for as a cashier. Her argument sounded so reasonable: rich bosses rolling in money taking advantage of the underpaid and overworked laborers. Of course she and all her co-workers deserved a raise, more vacation time, better health benefits and free childcare, of course they ought to go on strike! Down with the establishment!

Only thing is, I know Danielle. I know that she chose to drop out of school because she thought it was boring, that she has been fired from various jobs for various reasons: coming to work drunk, coming to work late, losing track of her sales slips, not coming to work at all - those are just some of the reasons. I also met some of her co-workers. The girls enjoy trashing their supervisor in late night gossip sessions over a couple of beers, just because he's uptight and wears ugly clothes and gets ketchup stuck in his mustache.

Danielle says she has dreams of owning her own business someday. When I asked her what business, she doesn't know, but she's sure she'd be a much better boss than the "jerk" she works for. Danielle has never pushed herself to complete her high school degree, even when her mother helped her sign up for the adult education classes. She sees her job as demanding, her customers as uncaring, herself as a hard worker who goes above and beyond the call of duty when she takes an extra shift for one of her friends (even though she gets paid extra), and her boss, well, we already know what Danielle thinks of him...

The news reporters were covering the upcoming strike and one of Danielle's friends was on TV. You would think she was giving her life-blood for the store the way she spoke. You would think they were chained to their cash registers and forced to scan every item that slid by on the conveyor belt under penalty of death. And the journalist ate it up like the juiciest bit of news. Shame on this mega-mart for the exploitation of its workers! She reported as a dozen Danielles stood by with their picket signs, nodding in righteous indignation.

Danielle couldn't ride out the strike - the administration took too long in negotiations and she eventually quit before almost all of her union's demands were met seven months later. It was just getting boring, walking around in a circle with her protest sign day after day. Anyway she was running out of money to party on weekends.

She hates her new job, says no one wants to give her a chance to get a better salary. Society is so unfair. Thank goodness for the politicians who promise to invest tax money on initiatives to help the poor Danielles of this world. Poor Danielle, uneducated, unmotivated, untrustworthy, undisciplined, and oh yes, she's pregnant. How can society be so cruel? Maybe someday when the rich educated elite stop oppressing her she'll have a chance to be successful. Just maybe...

The Day of Sad Stories

2008-10-20T19:22:00.000-05:00

It was around 2 in the afternoon yesterday, after the morning church service and a brief lunch. I was answering the phone calls that came through the church helpline and preparing some church material with the paper cutter. Some calls were coming in about the church van that was to pick them up at home for the afternoon service, as usual. But then the phone rang and a very weak, slow voice began to speak to me.

"I just wanted to let you know...I just took a lot of pills...I don't want to live anymore...."

Her voice trailed off, and I could tell she was crying. She sounded young, gentle, and hopeless. I tried to sound upbeat and compassionate at the same time, "No, you don't need to do that, there is so much that God wants to do with your life, whatever problem you're going through isn't too big for you, or for God," I told her as I quickly wrote down her number that appeared on the caller ID screen.

She didn't answer me, just groaned.

"Could I have your name?"

Mumbled answer.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that, what did you say your name was?"

"It doesn't matter..."

"Of course it matters, it matters to me, and it matters to God, He wants to help you, you believe in Him, right? How did you find out about us?"

"I got your number off the TV."

And so I talked, encouraged, showed her I cared, told her how much God could do for her, and she listened, making hardly any sound at all. I was about to pray for her over the phone and asked again what her name was, and then the phone went dead.

I called back right away, and it rang until the voicemail message came on. Called again, and the same thing happened, then I called 911. Perhaps the police could track down her number and find her and rescue her, but I knew that the only way she will survive is through God intervening and not allowing her to die. That meant I had to pray, and cry out to Him with all my faith.

After notifying the police, I didn't want to call her again since I knew that they would be trying to reach her while figuring out her location. I prayed and knew without a doubt that this young woman did not want to die. She wanted her suffering to end, she called because she wanted to reach out one last time. There was some shred of hope in her and I was certain that God reminded her of our number just so that He could save her.

After a half an hour I couldn't resist and called her once more. The phone rang, and then stopped ringing - someone had answered the phone, and was listening silently. So I began to talk, and prayed and talked and told her how much God loved her and she listened without saying a word for a long time...and then, she hung up.

The police stopped by an hour later saying that they couldn't trace her number and had not yet been able to find her, but thanked the church for its good work. If they really wanted to, had it been a terror suspect or an important person, I have no doubt they would have pulled out all the stops to find them, but it was just a nameless woman - no one worth too much effort for the Houston Police Department to save. Thank goodness we have God to call on in times like these, because unlike our most trusted authorities, He never tires, and is always ready to answer anything we ask for in true faith.

I may never hear of this woman again or find out who she is, but one thing I am confident about is that her call was no coincidence, and that God heard my prayers.

Around 4 o'clock I went downstairs for the afternoon service, and spoke to more women, some with a past of abuse in their family, passively watching the abuse continue in their children and grandchildren; the grandma whose little 6-year-old grandson has his fingers smashed every week with a hammer by his violent father, and forced to watch sexual acts by his father's friend, the 15-year-old girl that's being pressured into doing drugs and joining a gang, and feels an evil presence living inside of her body, and other's whose problems I can't mention on this post.

The stories of misery surround us every day, if we only knew what people were going through around us. They need our help, they need us to care, to pray, to fight for them to be freed from their suffering. The police, Child Protective Services, school counselors, they all fail. Each of these women I spoke to, has tried them all.

If we're not aggressive in our faith, in standing up against the forces of darkness in this depraved world, who will? God is waiting for us to put on His armor and get into the battle, through our faith, through our prayers, through our dedication to reaching out to all those who are slowly dying. If you don't really believe that you together with God can actually make a difference, then this bleak look at the world can make you want to give up. Stop wasting your time doubting God, there's so much He's eager to do, so many miracles waiting to happen, but He needs each one of us to be available to make them happen.

I expect in a few months I'll have a few more great stories to tell about these same women, of the way their lives turned upside down by God's power. In fact, I'm sure of it. But the sad stories around you aren't going to change unless you take up the fight yourself. Once you start using your faith and winning, you'll never want to stop.

Rethinking Marriage: Girls, you're not as dumb as they say

2008-10-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

What would you say is the reason that 50 years ago in the US it was acceptable for a girl of 18 to be preparing herself to become a wife in the near future, but now its considered almost scandalous? Girls used to have sweet 16 parties and debutante balls to officially announce that they have moved beyond childhood to an age ready to date and find a suitable husband. We view these sorts of events as sweetly funny, old fashioned and even carry the taste of oppression. After all in the 1950’s women were treated as inferior in the work place and were ostracized if they didn’t conform to the traditional wife and mother role.

I guess you would say that times have changed, women have been liberated from the constraints of a male-dominated society and now we have the freedom to choose our own destiny, our own path in life. And it seems that the path that everyone is pointing to is to be alone, build a career, and prove that we don’t need a man to be happy. As a side note, today some girls have resurrected the old sweet-sixteen party as an expensive bash with DJ’s, drinks and the hope that they’ll lose their virginity if they haven’t already. Very sweet.

Why is it that when news of Sarah Palin’s daughter (who, is pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby) is planning to marry at 18, the media went wild with accusations of a “shotgun wedding”? They deride her choice of marrying her high-school sweetheart as ridiculous, that somehow her rights are being violated. The poor girl, who had already made plans to marry before she even got pregnant, is a huge joke for all the late-night comedians.

It has become conventional wisdom that a young girl in her teens is incapable of making a rational decision about marriage – although many states believe she has the right to purchase birth control without her parents’ knowledge or permission. No problem if she conceives a child, aborts it, has multiple sexual partners, but MARRIAGE? Unthinkable!

Isn’t insisting that young women are too ignorant to marry, just as oppressive as saying that women don’t have a right to work? If women in the past were able to marry in their teens and have happy marriages and raise their children, well, what has happened with the advance of technology and a liberated society? Have we turned our teenage girls into immature air-heads? Watch E! TV and you’ll get your answer.

I dare to believe that women, young and old, are able to be more intelligent, resilient and competent than today’s society credits them for. Though unhappy marriages have existed from time immemorial - some that were huge mistakes - it doesn't mean that marriage is too scary to understand. It's possible for women to enjoy all the romance and thrill of marrying young, if they have the support and guidance of wiser women (and of course, if they listen to that advice!) While some women are still alone and trying to “find themselves” at 35, others are well grounded in a loving marriage and a blessing to everyone around them.

I know women from both of these camps, and I tell you, it’s a thrill to be around those that married young and have a maturity beyond their years, and yet are still fresh-faced and vibrant and ready to take on whatever life may throw at them. Really – a lot of my friends fall into this category. And conversely, it’s a very sad experience to be around those who may be well educated and established in their careers, but are lonely and unable to find a lasting relationship. They’ve never learned the joys of commitment and sacrifice and all the rewards that brings.

Let’s start another cultural revolution that celebrates the joy of the purity of marriage, for both young women and men. Maybe if older adults pulled their marriages together, we could be a better example for them. Want to know a good way to start? Check out the movie Fireproof, and buy the book, the Love Dare at your local Christian bookstore. Its just a start, but a pretty good one!

The Blame Game

2008-10-07T22:36:00.000-05:00

Jose Luiz Garza died of heart failure in Mexico yesterday. He was 47 years old and weighed 990 pounds. He had always struggled with his weight, but got much worse when he fell into a deep depression nine months ago when his parents died of old age. He went on Mexican television, begging for help. Emergency workers had to knock down a wall of his house and haul him off to the hospital on the back of a pick-up truck while gasping for breath, but was pronounced dead on arrival. His brother mournfully accused those who heard his pleas for help, that he would still be alive had they come to his rescue sooner.

Poor Jose Luiz. I am truly sorry that he died, and the way that the Associated Press wrote the article, I'm sure many are shaking their heads and saying, "What is this world coming to that we would allow this poor man to suffer so?"

But the question I want to ask is, why are "we" being blamed for his bad health choices, as if we represent all the evils of society? Where was his brother all these years as he piled on the pounds? It's not like this was some rare incurable disease, it was perfectly preventable. But when it all comes down to it, Jose Luiz Garza, chose to react to his problems and his losses in a way that cost him his life. He swallowed all those tamales and burritos, and nobody else. Calling for help as he was going into cardiac arrest at 990 pounds was too little, too late. Sorry, but it's the cold hard truth.

This is something that I don't get. It's always someone else's fault. If a poor country is struggling with it's finances, it blames the richer ones for not giving it more financial aid. If a richer country invests its businesses in a poorer one, it's blamed for interfering and taking advantage of the less fortunate. If someone of a minority group (choose one) can't get a loan to buy a house, it's the fault of greedy banks who won't give them a chance to live in comfort like the rest of the country. But if that same person goes bankrupt because they can't afford to pay their mortgage, its the fault of the greedy banks who should have known better than to give them the loan in the first place. And if anyone points the finger at the irresponsible person, he or she screams "Racist!"

It's downright idiotic, but we all are guilty of this I'm ashamed to say. If we think we can get away with blaming anyone - specific people or society in general, whatever works - we'll do it. It's so popular to hold ourselves up to be the poor victim, to gain the pity of others, that we'll gladly ignore facts so that we can continue on with our charade. It feels so much better than admitting our own guilt, and people start doing stuff for us because we make them feel guilty instead.

One thing I enjoy when I counsel people in our church is when I help them take responsibility for their own life and stop acting like victims. They can finally leave their past behind and focus all their attention on fighting their problems and believing in their future. It's amazing to see their transformation when they really do it.

The sad thing is that of all those I have counseled over the years, too few are willing and humble enough to take that step. Many women have come to me with the saddest of stories of abuse or trauma, telling me that they want so desperately to be free. But when they're challenged to forgive and to stop feeling sorry for themselves, only a fraction of them have proven that they really wanted to be free. The rest slowly disappear with one excuse or another. Maybe I couldn't understand their pain enough, maybe I was being too harsh. Even after dedicating hours, being a shoulder to cry on and always giving them words of comfort and faith, they held onto their right to blame others for their suffering, like it was the only thing that kept them alive.

I guess we shouldn't be surprised, Adam and Eve were the first to pull that trick (But he made me do it!) We've got their nature, and as millennia have gone by, we've has just gotten more sophisticated in using it to our advantage. Those women walked out of my life just as miserable as they came in; just more aware of the fact that they already had the power to change their lives if they chose to humble themselves. But just like Mr. Garza, they preferred to cling to the very thing that was destroying them and in so doing they've chosen a long, slow painful death. Sorry, but that's the cold hard truth.

Why am I not so worried?

2008-09-29T19:25:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's because I am not an economic wiz-kid, maybe it's because I never bought a house at subprime rates, or any rate for that matter. Maybe I'm callous and live on the fringes of society just looking in and watching all the newscasters blather about the way the country and the world is teetering on the brink of disaster, and I think, "Hmmm, that's too bad. Now what was that new recipe I just saw on Food Network?"

I know, I must sound terribly irresponsible to care so little about the impending crisis, that we all may be lined up at soup kitchens begging for crusts of bread like in the Great Depression when the stock market crashed in 1929. I actually do care very much about the future of my country, about people who may end up suffering terribly because of greedy financial institutions and politicians. I care that our future is so unsure, especially with the upcoming elections that could cause the US to turn an even sharper corner into who knows what territory.

But there's a part of me that knows that no matter what, I have God as my security, even in tough times. I can just see people rolling their eyes and thinking "Yeah, right, another religious cliche like all the other fanatics," but I tell you, it's a knowledge that's been tested through time and experience.

Sometimes it takes extreme measures to bring out the best of our faith and the best of our character. When we're stretched to our limits, we start to realize just what is important and what is not, and I know through the many ups and downs and twists of my own journey, I have learned to throw aside a lot of junk that I once thought I could never part with, only to be so graciously blessed beyond what I deserved afterwards.

If you've ever gone through that phase of life where you had no choice but to sacrifice - either sacrifice doing what's right to do what's comfortable, or sacrifice what's comfortable for what's right - you'll know what I mean. Making the sacrifice to do what's right hurts like crazy, and you feel like a part of you is dying. And in fact it is dying: that part of you that loves yourself a little too much. But you let it go, and you understand that the pain is as necessary as lancing a boil. The relief and joy that comes after the pain is amazing. All of a sudden your life is lighter, simpler, clearer. You are made acutely aware that life is more than what you want to have, but that it's about obedience to God. And that is more empowering than any amount of possessions can buy.

I have the audacity to believe that a financial meltdown can turn into a real spiritual awakening. If that's what it takes to get people to surrender their lives to God, it's worth it - even with all the pain. I grieve for the state of the US, and I'm not talking about Wall Street, but the way that God is rapidly disappearing from a land that was once a beacon of faith generations ago. The security and strength of any country is directly linked to the strength of it's people's relationship to God and if we have to bleed a little, that's OK. God is bigger than global markets, and when He is given a chance to bless, He blesses. It's up to us to give Him that room. After all, no sacrifice, no success.