The Mind of a Woman: beautifully dangerous

Last Sunday in the first session of the Inner Healing course, we talked about the uniqueness of a woman's brain, not just the way culture has shaped us, but even our basic biological differences.  To start the healing of inner wounds, you have to start with you, who you are, what you feel and why you find yourself reacting the way you do.

There are beautiful gifts that God has instilled in women, that can even be seen in the scientific study of our brains.  Our center for communication, for example, is far more developed than in men.  Our abilities to sense the needs and emotions of others around us are critical skills for mothers who are dealing with children who can't speak yet, for adolescents who don't understand their emotions, and generally for connecting with our neighbors and coworkers socially.

But these have so often been twisted and used against us.  Women with the gift of gab can turn it into a weapon to hurt and insult, gossip and manipulate so artfully it's hard to even catch it when it happens.  Our gift of sensitivity can be so overstimulated by past hurts and disappointments that we become convinced that it's going to happen again, and begin to act on emotions rather than fact.  We put up walls, we hurt others before they hurt us, we hide in fear, we lower our standards in relationships because we are convinced that we don't deserve better.  We perpetuate our inner pain instead of heal it.

Wait a minute - the reason why I have inner wounds are because of what others have done to me.  If they hadn't hurt me/let me down/accused me/rejected me/misled me... then I'd be just fine.  It's their fault.  They have to make it right. 

Turning back time is impossible, and waiting for someone who offended you to finally apologize and undo all the negative things that they have done, will probably keep you waiting an eternity.  You don't have time to waste waiting for people or circumstances to change to believe in your healing.  The work has to begin with you first, right now.  It comes through intelligent decisions, practical changes, and allowing the power of God to flow in you.

Learn, and pray with us every Sunday afternoon at SiLC, Houston during these 4 weeks of Inner Healing for Women!

Inner Healing for Women, four Sundays, four sessions in Houston, TX  

Manipulations of the "Perfect Wife"

In our marriage courses at church and among the many couples we counsel, a recurring syndrome has been noticed:  the "abusive victim."  I've seen it among husbands, but in my experience, mostly in wives.

She badgers, complains and nags him because he is not getting things done quite right.  She is a "perfectionist" she claims, she loves him dearly and wants to help him improve.  She also knows how to indulge him with lots of loving actions: delicious food, an impeccable home, affection, hugs and kisses, but she knows how to make him feel like trash, that he doesn't deserve any of it.  She reminds him of what a mess he was when she found him, and how she has so generously "fixed" him.  She subtly convinces him he is one lucky, lucky man to have such a perfect wife.

But the nagging is unreasonable and unbearable.  She always has a justification for it, but she makes sure to push his buttons, over and over again.  Until he finally explodes.  He behaves monstrously.  He shouts, he becomes abusive, he punches holes in the walls.  He knows he is a worthless nobody because she reminds him every day by her attitudes, and something inside of him can't bear it any more.  But now what has he done?  He has proven once again that he is a monster, an evil man, unworthy and oh, so fortunate that this wonderful perfect wife whom he has victimized will accept him back home again. So he bows his head in shame and goes back to her, apologizing and torturing himself that he is less than a man.  And the cycle begins all over again.

She has him in a head-lock, and is draining every bit of life from him year by year.  The big question is, how do you show him the lies that he is believing about himself?  How can you encourage him without revealing the manipulations of his "perfect" wife?

It is a reality that some women enjoy seeing their husband fail and suffer, so that he will always be grateful to her for rescuing him like a lost puppy.  It's sadistic but it's true.  The only hope I see for a couple like this is in spiritual warfare, to break the back of this demon of the abusive "victim".