Using the sweetness weapon on cantankerous people

The behavioral psychologist, John Gottman, speaks about the days when therapy was heavily based on the notion that repressed anger was the root of all emotional problems.  Married couples were encouraged to express their anger towards each other.  Plastic bats (that didn't really hurt but made a lot of noise) were given to couples to whack each other with, under the watchful eye of their therapist in the belief that the more expressive they were about their anger, the healthier their relationship would be.

I wonder if there's a link to the fact that the divorce rate shot up to around 50% of all first-time marriages during that generation.

Letting it all hang out, anger, hatred, grudges, accusations... the research shows that people who thought they were cleansing themselves of this poison, were actually strengthening it, injecting it deeper into their systems and feeling justified to hold onto these destructive emotions.  The sad thing is that this passing experiment was like letting a genie out of a bottle. The way many feel so free to lash out at those they claim to love, and then justify their "right" to inflict pain, shows that this mindset has infiltrated every area of life.

 Dr. Gottman also comments on how children who are constantly criticized for what they do wrong, actually live up to those criticisms.  "You are so lazy!  What's wrong with you? You never like to listen! You're so obnoxious!"  They most likely do need to be taught not to behave that way, but attacking them with put-downs turns kids with negative traits into kids who believe they are innately bad people.  The become who you accuse them to be.

On the other hand, the opposite approach has been proven over the years to be what brings out the best in everyone.  Spouses, children, friends, cantankerous bosses...  It's the words of kindness, of affirmation, of praise and faith in the innate goodness of another, that causes them to live up to that expectation. It's the sweetness that makes them sweet.

Your child may have serious problems with selfishness, for example.  He is insecure about his toys, won't share, won't obey when it's time to put down his game to eat a meal.  You have punished him, scolded him, shouted at him, and he becomes more belligerent.

As frustrated and angry as you feel that he is so unresponsive, go against your anger, and use your head.  Lure him into a state of wanting to please you, through the power of praise.

Pounce on every opportunity to tell him what he did right, thank him for every sign of good character or behavior, praise him and make him feel such a difference when he does what is right, that you will start to condition him to want to do more that is right.  Allow him to hunger for more of that praise, and to search out new ways to get you to give it to him.

This starts out feeling wrong.  It feels like you "should" be punishing him more.  But we all know where feelings lead us.  Do what experts know works.  Do what God commands us to do to all people, to return evil with good.

That doesn't mean that you will never punish him again, or that being tough is no longer an option.  It's more than an option, it's a necessity!  But the ratio of how much praise and positive affirmation you give him (or her) to how many scoldings you give, has to be far outweighed by the positive to such a degree that the negative becomes so rare that it feels even more painful in contrast to all that love and warmth.

What starts out feeling wrong, quickly reveals itself as the best, the most fruitful and the most joyful way of raising a child.  Think about it!

Dogs in Space and Annoying Children

I knew a mother of four who insisted that she never praised her children, otherwise they would become proud.  She made a point to tell them everything they did wrong to keep them humble.  Her children are grown now, and humble is not a word that would describe any of them.

Another woman had a mother who was always telling her she was so pretty, so wonderful, so perfect, but wouldn't take the time to help her buy appropriate clothes as her body changed and developed with adolescence.  The praise was meaningless if her mother didn't value her enough to spend time or money on this perfect daughter of hers.

Fake praise is like no praise,  and when we receive no praise at all, we can turn into irrational creatures.

Most of the really irritating children that you know, are just desperate for attention.  We criticize them for it, and yet if they were given the attention they truly needed, they would become much happier little people.  The contradiction is, that when they misbehave and act annoying, the last thing you want to do is give them attention!  You'd rather lock them in the basement until they fall asleep because they're so unbearable.

But just like a crying baby, that child is lacking an essential need, and even if he gets punished for his behavior, he'll keep it up because he craves any form of attention, even if it's negative.  And if the annoying child happens to be yours, you've got your work cut out for you.

"But I give him plenty of attention!" you may say in exasperation.  But perhaps the type of attention you think is enough, is not what he needs.  Every child needs personal time alone with mom or dad, just to bond.  They need to talk about all the crazy little thoughts that come into their mind and be heard and still loved even so.  They need you to respond to their crazy thoughts as if they weren't crazy, to help them sort through the whirlwind of ideas that blows through their mind every day.  Here's one example:

"So mom, like if our house turned into a space rocket and we found out that aliens were living in our basement, would dad be able to fight them even though he doesn't have a gun?  And then if we blasted off into space, how would we breathe?  And do dogs ever go to space?"  Etc., etc.

If your default response is, "Why are you wasting my time with these stupid questions?  Do your homework, and look at the mess in your room," you are on your way to creating a really annoying child.  The questions will never end, and behavior problems will increase.  I know, serious discussions about dogs in space are not what you planned on when you became a mother, but welcome to reality!

Smile, listen, talk, hear all that they have to say with patience, give suggestionanswer them with reassurances that no matter what disaster they can imagine strikes, that you will all be just fine because God is watching over you.  Give them hugs and kisses, tell them how smart they are, what an amazing imagination they have, and how proud you are that they are growing so well.  Also once you are done, thank them that they will now quietly go to their room and clean up and finish their homework for the night because they are so good and smart and strong.  It's amazing how just taking that amount of your precious time out of your day can be returned to you in the form of a calmer, happier, more obedient child who wants to please you even more.

Of course there is a time they need to be quiet and get their work done and to respect your need for quiet as well, but if their basic need for your undivided attention and sincere praise isn't met a few times during the day, though you punish and criticize them, but you will never have a peaceful child under your roof.

My youngest is 12, and he still needs those moments, but the reward of a loving son who is a joy to have around is worth all the effort.   Don't know what to say when asked about aliens in your basement?  Email me to receive expert advice...