The Baby Blues

Most of us have heard of the baby blues, when mothers of newborns go through a rough emotional patch after the intense physical act of giving birth.  A new mom has been gearing up for this for nine months, dealing with fears of the unknown,  with excitement and eagerness, with the weight of this huge responsibility on her shoulders, not to mention the growing weight around her midsection!

She's also been dealing with the high doses of hormones pumping through her veins as the baby grows inside of her, and her body goes into major mommy mode, preparing milk production, loosening ligaments and muscles for delivery and secreting hormones into her brain that will cause her to be extra alert and viciously protective of her new child.

Once baby comes, there is the extra stress of exhaustion, nights of limited sleep, constant feedings and diaper changes, and she is forced to enter a new universe where everything revolves around baby's gravitational pull - at least for a while.

For a woman who is not emotionally prepared, this high level of stress can crush her.  The baby blues of being a little irritable, extra tired and in need of some loving hugs and kisses from her husband and children, can turn into something much more harmful.  Full blown depression can set in, and it can last even for years.

The Mayo Clinic website lists these symptoms of post-partum depression:

• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Intense irritability and anger
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Loss of interest in sex
• Lack of joy in life
• Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
• Severe mood swing
• Difficulty bonding with the baby
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby
• Untreated, postpartum depression may last for a year or more.

The mother often suffers silently, with everyone around her assuming that she is fine and should be fine with such a beautiful baby in her arms.  But the one who usually suffers the most, is her own baby who often is rejected, and treated as if she or he were unwanted.  It doesn't matter how much this mother did want the baby before it's birth, this form of depression can erase all of those positive emotions and replace them with resentment.  That natural protectiveness that a mother's hormones automatically create, somehow doesn't kick in.  Instead of seeing her baby as an extension of her own body, she sees him or her as a foreign object, a burden. 

For those who think that a baby is just fine as long as it is fed, clothed, changed and given enough sleep, are not aware of the damaging effects of being raised by an emotionally distant mother.  Even infants can sense the emotional state of the home where they live, and any loving words, sounds, touches and caresses he or she receives, instantly create pathways in the brain that stay with them for life.  If they are neglected emotionally, they reflect that in their mental and social development. If they are well loved and stimulated emotionally, that is also reflected very early on and is foundational for who they become as adults.  

It is crucial for women suffering with post-partum depression to get the help they need, for themselves and also for the sake of their newborns and the rest of their family.  But as with all forms of depression, it's not enough to tell a woman to just snap out of it and start acting happy. In fact, you'll probably make her feel worse about herself if you speak to her in such a condescending way.

What I have found in our years of counseling, that this intense time of bringing a newborn into the world, can often unearth deeper issues that had remained hidden until then. She needs more than anti-depressant medications, but real help to identify the issues, fears, unresolved anger and frustrations - the real roots of her problems, so that she can begin to heal.  

How can that be done?  Wait for the next post to find out...

Breaking the Trust - So what about you?

One meeting I held with women that had attended our Succeed in Marriage Course, involved the question of what to do when your husband has been unfaithful.  Considering the fact that all of them had just taken part in our seven day series of classes, I knew that they and their husbands had heard a lot of good advice and instruction about that topic.  They knew how tough we are on those who have breached the trust in a relationship, how we don't allow sob stories and excuses to pass off their indiscretions as just simple mistakes.  These women knew that I was there to help them and defend them, but boy, was I not prepared for what happened when I brought up the issue of their role in the problem.

"Excuse me, but that is a slippery slope you are going down!" She pointed a perfectly manicured finger upwards, then turned to all the other women in the room to launch into her sermon.  "I have suffered the indignity of being cheated on repeatedly by my husband, and my therapist told me that the worst thing to do is to blame myself.  It is his problem and his problem alone.  And ladies, let me tell you, if you start to ask what you have done wrong, you will never heal from this."

She sat down with a flip of her hair and looked defiantly back at me.  Trying to pull out all my diplomatic skills, I continued to say with a smile that a cheating husband is, indeed, the one at fault and has no excuse for his behavior etc., but STILL, we have to ask the question: Did I contribute to this?

We can't be so simple minded as to demonize the one who broke trust, and sanctify the victim. No one's a saint.

Question one:  Have I been neglecting my spouse over a long period of time?  Before whipping out a list of all the things he or she has neglected to do for you, just look honestly at yourself.  Have they asked for more time alone with us, but we always had a reason to say no, like the kids, the budget, work, a sick family member, just plain busyness?  Has he or she asked anything of me that I haven't provided? Is this affair just an act of final exasperation because he or she is convinced I really don't care anymore?

Question two: Do I have a tendency to ridicule his or her ideas?  "Well you can't expect me to just stand by and listen while she talks about ideas that make no sense!" If you want to prove he or she is wrong whenever they come up with a thought, no matter how right you are, you can drive them away from you, starve them for affection and drive them into someone else's arms.  If your husband or wife really is an idiot and doesn't deserve to have his or her opinions valued - why did you marry them?


Question three: Are my insecurities making me irritating?  Allowing your husband's or wife's approval or praise (or lack thereof) to determine how you feel about yourself which then determines the way you behave around them, turns you into a slave of their opinions.  If you find yourself moping because he or she didn't speak to you the way you had wanted, or if you lash out at because you are convinced that he or she gave you that look, you're reacting to how badly you feel about yourself and how dependent you are on how they treat you from moment to moment.  You assume the worst, that they don't really love you, that they don't care.  So you act like it, and then you confirm to them that you are irrational and impossible to please.

I have known many an unhappy woman who has given up on her husband because he doesn't speak to her in a way that makes her feel attractive, so she stops trying to be attractive, which makes him unhappy that she doesn't want to be attractive, which causes him to say unkind things about her appearance, which turns into a never ending cycle.  Actually it does end, when someone else appears with kind words for either her or him, rekindles those feelings of being wanted, and it's good-bye marriage, hello affair.

Question four:  Did I fool myself into believing I was marrying a trustworthy person in the first place?  There are often plenty of visible signs that a person has an unfaithful character, but sadly, both women and men can be blinded by emotions and choose to ignore them.  "I know she's still good friends with her ex, but I'm open minded." "He's giving up going to strip joints with his buddies just because of me - isn't that sweet?" Yeah. Real sweet. 

 Out of that intense desire to love and be loved, we see what we want to see and rational thought goes out the window.  When reality strikes, it's only after a lot of damage has been done.     

The good news is that damage can be healed, turned into a great learning experience, and used to make you stronger. And yes, you can be healed, even though you ask yourself these questions. These are only four of the biggest ones, and there are many more that can be asked. So I beg to differ from my former student who dislikes dealing with her own flaws, but solutions to relationship problems can only begin with yourself.     

Breaking trust - just get over it?

When a relationship has suffered the pain of a breach of trust - lying about how money was spent, hidden addictions, a spouse confiding in others about private issues, and the most painful of all, an affair - rebuilding that trust can seem impossible.

For most people once an affair has happened, the relationship is over.  There's no second chance.

Packing up and walking out is often the wisest choice, and there are times I've encouraged it.  Yet one thing can't be ignored.  The one who was cheated on is rarely the innocent victim. Rarely.  He or she needs to question whether their own behavior or attitudes contributed in some way to the disintegration of the relationship.  If they break up and move on, but carry those same negative qualities with them, they could continue repeating the same painful experiences again to some degree or another.  Even if their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend was the most deceitful, evil and selfish of the two, and inflicted the most pain, it always takes two to destroy a committed relationship.  He may be 90% in the wrong, but who's to blame for the other 10%?  Though your 10% pales in comparison to his glaring mistakes, it's still negative and needs to be changed.    

So what if you want to give that person another chance?  What do you do?

One thing you don't do, is just slip right back into the same old habits.  Broken trust means that the hard work of building a good relationship wasn't done well in the first place, which means rebuilding requires even more work than what's required for just maintaining a good relationship.  The idea that forgiving and trying again means that everyone is starting from zero, is totally wrong.  The one who cheated is being given a chance, but he or she is deep in the hole.  They've forfeited their rights to be treated as honest and trustworthy.  If they don't like it and balk at being questioned where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, they don't deserve another chance.  They have to be totally transparent - emails, text messages, Facebook accounts.  If they can't allow themselves to show  what they are doing and with whom at any time, they are sending the message that they have something to hide.  

If you've cheated on your partner, the worst thing to tell him or her is, "I told you I'm sorry, so just get over it.  Forgive and forget."  Nope, you've got a lot of hard work to do to prove yourself worthy of their love and trust.  They said they'd take you back.  Be grateful and deal with the reality that you are going to be in the doghouse for a good long time until that trust is rebuilt.

But the one who has been wronged - what can you do to change yourself?  How can you ensure that this doesn't happen again?   Answers are coming in the next post...

World of Warcraft and impotent heroes

"Playing `World of Warcraft' makes me feel godlike, I have ultimate control and can do what I want with few real repercussions. The real world makes me feel impotent ... a computer malfunction, a sobbing child, a suddenly dead cell phone battery – the littlest hitch in daily living feels profoundly disempowering." - Ryan Van Cleeve, video gaming addict

Van Cleeve, is like many men we have counseled in the past few years.  Professional, intelligent, family men with responsibilities. These men are lured into the fantasy world of real-time warfare, linked through the internet with gamers just like them around the world, taking on fantasy alter-egos to battle against evil creatures.  They suddenly become heroes, conquerors, kings of their universe.  

And in so doing, their wives and children in the real world are left behind, as clever computer graphics take priority over them. Not only does an addict waste hours of his life by neglecting his job and family, but when real life interrupts, it's common for him to fly into a rage and even attack the ones he loves.  Just days ago I saw the bruises and cuts on the wife of a gamer who did just that.  

For those who have no interest in gaming, this type of addiction can seem ridiculous.  Of course it's ridiculous, just as any other addiction is.  But it is very real and very destructive.  Men, as we can expect by the nature of the game, are those who are most taken in by games such as this.

Ryan Van Cleeve's explanation says a lot.  The need to feel like the hero, to be recognized for his achievements, to feel the thrill of a hunt, a quest, a dangerous mission, is all part of his biological wiring.  This is an innate part of maleness.  If a man is constantly ridiculed by his wife, is put down and overlooked on his job, is unappreciated for the accomplishments that he does have, he can easily feel like a failure, and the drive to find some way to eradicate that feeling can be overwhelming.  Often affairs are a result of that unresolved need.  Drugs and alcohol can be an escape from his low self-esteem.  But a beautifully designed game where he can imagine himself to be strong and in control of his life, can become irresistible. 

As a mom of two boys, video games are nothing new, yet never has any game become an addiction in our household.  Frequently games that they buy or receive as presents, end up being sold or given away because of a fast, or left behind as we leave for a new location.  And always, every game has to be screened and approved by Dad, who has no interest whatsoever in playing them.  Sure some benign games can be entertaining, can keep rowdy kids quiet for a while, and can pass the time.  There are silly ones, "educational" ones (I have my doubts about that), violent ones, and like World of Warcraft, ones that have a life force of their own, that suck you into their universe, and never let you go without a determined fight to break free.

Just yesterday a friend of mine told me about a family in her church who's eight-year-old tried to stab his own father with a kitchen knife when his game was taken away at bedtime.  Gaming addictions are no joke, there is often a very evil spiritual side to these games, that do far more damage than create distractions.  People who try to give up World of Warcraft, World of Starcraft and others like those, often find themselves dreaming in that virtual world, waking up with a jolt of adrenaline, and desperate to get back on the computer for one more quest.  For those who don't understand the power of evil and the need for deliverance, only sheer willpower can keep them away from it - for a while.

If you have a husband, child or any other loved one who you fear is addicted, if you know that World of Warcraft is a part of their life, seek out help for them immediately. Realize that perhaps you have contributed to this feeling of impotency that they feel, this low sense of self-worth.  They need freedom, and an understanding of who they are before God, that they are not failures, but can become the heroes of their own lives as they learn to become warriors for Him.  





  

The women who are always right

It has been said that in the course of an average day, women speak around 6000 - 8000 words.  Men, on the other hand, speak around 2500.  That doesn't mean that we're better speakers, just more verbal.  A lot more.  

Men, on the whole, enjoy conversations that get to the point, they say what they want to say, and move on from there.  Women, enjoy painting pictures with their words, reliving events with detailed accounts, and bonding emotionally through talking to each other.  We can evoke the emotions we want from others quite skillfully through our words, and with that weapon, we can motivate others to do great things, or we can cut others deeply - it all depends on the woman. 

It's no wonder that aggression in women takes on a very different appearance than it does in men.  Bullies in school are usually the kids that push others around, threaten physical harm, are louder, stronger and scarier.  Physical aggression is not limited just to males, but much more common than in females. Guys can use their strength to demand what they want, and often do.

But female bullies exist and thrive everywhere, although they are less noticeable.  From young girls in primary school to grown women in the workplace, females know that they don't need physical strength to terrorize and manipulate others - they have the power of their very extensive command of language.  

Think of this scene in a marriage:

He walks in the door after a tough day at work.  Overwhelmed with stress, he wants to relax in the loving atmosphere of home and family to sort through the load of problems he'll have to face tomorrow in a peaceful, logical manner. 

She comes out of the kids' bathroom scowling, complaining that the sink is still leaking, and asks when he plans on fixing it.  

He groans, and says, "Later, maybe tonight," which provokes a sarcastic laugh and rolling eyes of his wife.

"That's what you said two weeks ago, I've been WAITING!!!" She says with a glare, "Honestly, it seems like you don't even care about us.  Do you know how high the water bill is going to be this month because you keep saying later?"

He tosses his things onto the sofa and says, "Okay, okay, I'll do it right now..."

The sink gets fixed, and the rest of the evening goes on, tense and unhappy.  She's waiting for an apology.  He's waiting for her to just calm down and act normal.  The only conversations held are with the kids.  Once they're in bed, he just wants his peace, and she is fuming at his self-centered attitude.  

"Tomorrow," he thinks, "I'll find a reason to stay late at work..."

He falls to sleep knowing that she is sighing and tossing next to him.  Even in her silence, she is trying to make him feel guilty, but the last thing he wants to ask is, "What's wrong?"  The last time he did that, he didn't get to sleep until four in the morning, and got accused of everything under the sun, and he just can't afford more stress with the big project coming up tomorrow.   

A marriage that keeps hanging on like this is a nightmare.  A man who is bullied and accused on a regular basis will either walk out, lash out (and get arrested for domestic violence) or just emotionally check out of the relationship.  Sure he needs to change, needs to learn how to communicate, to show he cares and all of that good stuff.  But there is no safe space where he can do that.  The moment he opens his mouth, he is attacked and made to feel guilty over and over again.  

The bully doesn't need to be bigger, stronger or louder, just a master of control.  Her superior verbal skills can dance rings around her husband's limited vocabulary.  She can appear earnest, speak calmly, cry, smile sweetly, and be cruel all at the same time.  In my counseling experience, it has been virtually impossible to get a woman like this to own up to her faults.  Maybe for the moment, in the counseling room, but as soon as she's out the door, she's back to her old self.

She is such a master of deception, in that she deceives herself. She is totally blind to the fact that she is an aggressor.  It's always his fault, or the fault of her boss, or her coworker, or whoever it is that complains about her.  She is a master of excuses, and of self-righteous tears.  But as right as she insists that she is, she'll most likely end up alone, and/or very unhappy.

For every woman in a relationship, take an honest look at yourself - are you a bully?  For every parent of a little girl - are you raising a bully?   It takes more than a superficial glance to spot one - but the frustrated relationships she leaves in her wake are a good indication.  

Using the sweetness weapon on cantankerous people

The behavioral psychologist, John Gottman, speaks about the days when therapy was heavily based on the notion that repressed anger was the root of all emotional problems.  Married couples were encouraged to express their anger towards each other.  Plastic bats (that didn't really hurt but made a lot of noise) were given to couples to whack each other with, under the watchful eye of their therapist in the belief that the more expressive they were about their anger, the healthier their relationship would be.

I wonder if there's a link to the fact that the divorce rate shot up to around 50% of all first-time marriages during that generation.

Letting it all hang out, anger, hatred, grudges, accusations... the research shows that people who thought they were cleansing themselves of this poison, were actually strengthening it, injecting it deeper into their systems and feeling justified to hold onto these destructive emotions.  The sad thing is that this passing experiment was like letting a genie out of a bottle. The way many feel so free to lash out at those they claim to love, and then justify their "right" to inflict pain, shows that this mindset has infiltrated every area of life.

 Dr. Gottman also comments on how children who are constantly criticized for what they do wrong, actually live up to those criticisms.  "You are so lazy!  What's wrong with you? You never like to listen! You're so obnoxious!"  They most likely do need to be taught not to behave that way, but attacking them with put-downs turns kids with negative traits into kids who believe they are innately bad people.  The become who you accuse them to be.

On the other hand, the opposite approach has been proven over the years to be what brings out the best in everyone.  Spouses, children, friends, cantankerous bosses...  It's the words of kindness, of affirmation, of praise and faith in the innate goodness of another, that causes them to live up to that expectation. It's the sweetness that makes them sweet.

Your child may have serious problems with selfishness, for example.  He is insecure about his toys, won't share, won't obey when it's time to put down his game to eat a meal.  You have punished him, scolded him, shouted at him, and he becomes more belligerent.

As frustrated and angry as you feel that he is so unresponsive, go against your anger, and use your head.  Lure him into a state of wanting to please you, through the power of praise.

Pounce on every opportunity to tell him what he did right, thank him for every sign of good character or behavior, praise him and make him feel such a difference when he does what is right, that you will start to condition him to want to do more that is right.  Allow him to hunger for more of that praise, and to search out new ways to get you to give it to him.

This starts out feeling wrong.  It feels like you "should" be punishing him more.  But we all know where feelings lead us.  Do what experts know works.  Do what God commands us to do to all people, to return evil with good.

That doesn't mean that you will never punish him again, or that being tough is no longer an option.  It's more than an option, it's a necessity!  But the ratio of how much praise and positive affirmation you give him (or her) to how many scoldings you give, has to be far outweighed by the positive to such a degree that the negative becomes so rare that it feels even more painful in contrast to all that love and warmth.

What starts out feeling wrong, quickly reveals itself as the best, the most fruitful and the most joyful way of raising a child.  Think about it!

Handicapping your kids Pt. 2

Okay, I've been busy... but here's the promised part two, a few months later!

Handicapping kids socially is what we were talking about in my last post. Just think of how much our opinion of a person is based on very basic and simple information that our eyes and ears take in when we first meet them.  A person's ability to speak intelligently, to be friendly and confident, to have the courtesy to express that they understand what we are saying, to be relaxed while also well-mannered, and to know how to strike the balance between being upbeat while not being annoyingly happy, are all easily observed in the first few moments of any conversation.  These are social skills that are taught, handed down from parent to child by example.  No amount of formal education can compensate for the lack of these important skills.

One basic need of a child is to be mentally stimulated to express their creativity.  Reading books aloud, going to museums, watching interesting movies that you talk about and learn from afterwards, singing, learning a musical instrument, going out to eat in a restaurant where they have to learn to order from a foreign language menu, talking about the news headlines of the day - all of these are ways in which your child's mind is stimulated to think beyond himself.

But just teaching him or her information about the world around them is not enough.  It's how you talk with them that cements the lesson into their minds.  It's the one-on-one interaction as you listen to their comments, and answer them back lovingly and patiently. It's how you allow them to imagine, to create their own ideas and theories and treat those thoughts as valid, that teaches them that this is how we treat others. When they come up with wild and crazy thoughts about the dinosaur bones you just saw, a smart parent doesn't shoot them down as ridiculous, but allows them to expand on their ideas.  Kids need to see that even if you don't agree, you're willing to listen and give them a chance to explain their opinions.  Kindly and discreetly, you can guide them in the right direction to understand what the truth of the matter is once they are done with their fantasy.  The lesson may have been on dinosaurs, but the deeper, more lasting lesson was on how to listen and show consideration for other people's opinions.

These skills don't need to be taught in words.  Kids learn how to do it themselves.  They automatically pick up those habits of graciousness from you.  They enjoyed that kind of treatment when they had something to say, and now see no other way to treat others than in the same manner.  

And that is where the crux of social skills and good manners lies - in seeing that there is a beautiful and big world outside yourself that you can learn from and enjoy.  That means when someone you have never met is introduced to you by someone you trust, you need to be kind and friendly.  As you put others at ease around you, they will most likely enjoy your company and want to treat you kindly as well.  When others observing your conversation sense that upbeat vibe and that willingness to listen, they form a snap judgment of you based on just a glimpse of who you are, but it's a very positive one.

So the connection is:  Children who have that basic need for creative stimulation and interaction fulfilled,  become aware of the world around them.  Parents who know how to foster that love of learning with patience and consideration for their thoughts, pass on more than just head knowledge.  Children who have experienced learning through kindness and consideration, enjoy expressing themselves in the same manner.  Children with good social skills put others at ease, and reveal through their demeanor that they are intelligent, positive and creative people.

And from this, doors of opportunity open much more readily.  That could mean, teachers more willing to help them, more supportive friends, more emotionally stable, better prepared to deal with stress, more focused on reaching goals, and eventually better job choices, dating choices etc.

This is no guarantee that taking your child to museums and talking about them will cause them to grow up to be successful, but the odds of success are stacked heavily against the child who grows up with limited cultural and social interaction.

It is rare to find a child who is a pleasure to be around these days.  This is not the fault of the child, the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the parents.  A teenager that can't even listen to instructions and ask the proper questions to be sure that the job is done right is handicapped and may not go far in life.  A young girl who only sees the neighborhood of drugs and immorality as her world, doesn't even want to speak to someone from outside that invisible bubble.  In fact she doesn't know how to.

So for those children who's basic needs are ignored, who eventually does teach them culture and social skills?  You don't want to know...