Third of the Three Intolerables

This one should be obvious, but to a surprisingly large amount of people, it is not: affairs.

Unfaithfulness has deep and destructive effects that can't easily be healed by a simple, "I'm sorry, I won't do that again."  That doesn't mean that cheating or affairs automatically makes your marriage hopeless, but if the wound is not treated in a radical way by both partners, it could easily become fatal.

I have seen the issue of unfaithfulness become a big mess plenty of times.  It's often one spouse feels so unloved, that they have a secret sexual fling out of emotional distress, or some desperate hope to win back the affections of the other spouse.  Stupid, I know, but people do this.  A lot.

Then the affair is discovered.  She weeps in remorse saying that she just wanted him to give her attention. He is angry, hurt, betrayed, but then takes her back because she seems so sorry.  The marriage goes on, but no underlying problems were resolved.  His inability to be affectionate, her insecurities, his feelings of inadequacy to make her happy, her frustrations, nagging and put-downs, just grow with time.

Eventually a breaking point comes and he finds himself in the arms of another woman - not wanting to end his marriage, just wanting to feel loved, and now the tables are turned.  Again the affair is discovered.  She's mad.  He's mad that she would have the gall to be mad after what she had done to him.  She feels guilty because of her own unfaithful past, but also vengeful towards him and the other woman.  They now both love and hate each other, but can't let each other go.

And here we find ourselves in a tangled mess of a soap opera-worthy melodrama.  Except it's worse, because it's real.

Neither of them were prepared to make the tough decisions to live up to high standards before they even agreed to marry.  What are those standards?

• My value as a person doesn't depend on anyone else but me.
• Promises of faithfulness in any area of my life will not be broken, even when I don't feel like it.
• I don't enter into agreements with people who don't believe in being true to their word.
• If I am fooled by someone who is unfaithful, I'll only take them back if that character flaw is gone.
• If I find myself tempted into unfaithfulness, I will seek urgent help to change a serious character flaw within me.
• I don't use flirting or sexuality as a form of revenge or attention seeking.
• I have the right to end a relationship with an untrustworthy person.
• Forgiveness doesn't mean trust. 
• I will give my best to whom I marry - I don't accept anything less in return.

Happy couples know that there is a high price to staying happy.  The knowledge that each partner holds themselves, and each other, to a high standard adds far more value to a marriage than just passionate romantic feelings.

"I'll never be happy without her," is never true for those who have a healthy sense of self-worth.  It's not just her presence that can give you fulfillment, but her character - combined with your own. Contrary to popular opinion, love only intensifies and sweetens with each year of patient, enduring, hard-working, faithfulness on both sides.  Maybe you've never been a witness to that kind of marriage,  so decide to make yours become the first.

Marriage counseling and courses available at SucceedinLife.org

 

Second of the Three Intolerables

It seems paradoxical that so many spouses will call it quits for trivial, petty matters, while others will tolerate serious betrayals and keep hanging onto toxic marriages for years.  They imagine they are being forgiving, caring, understanding.  But they are slowly poisoning themselves with all the negativity that they choose to put up with.  They have become codependent.     

Some behavior or habits are intolerable in a marriage, and the marriage either needs to end, or each spouse needs to actively and aggressively find help to change.  Anywhere in between is just an existence, not a marriage.

The second intolerable?  Addictions.

Drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, any obsessive behavior that consumes a person's mind and attention to the detriment of his or her family relationships and/or health.

"I love the sinner, but hate the sin," is a common saying, which is generally the right idea.  Whoever is caught up in an addiction needs help, love and compassion, while his addiction should be fought against.  But how this is interpreted by some, is to do nothing more than complain, beg, plead and pray that the offending spouse change.  When the addict promises to stop, begs for forgiveness, makes an effort, but goes right back to his or her addiction after a period of time, the codependent spouse will also go right back to the same tactics of pleading, crying, complaining and getting angry.  But nothing more is done.

Why?

• Because my addicted husband is the primary bread winner, and if I kick him out, who will pay the mortgage?  
• Because Jesus says we must forgive 70 times 7 times, and hopefully sooner or later, he'll really mean it when he says he's sorry.
• Because the kids love her and it would break their hearts if I made her go to rehab.
• Because I'm not strong enough to make it on my own without him.
• Because then the whole family would know this dirty secret.
• Because I believe that marriage is for life and that God would be angry with me if I end it.

If you look at these excuses, you can see that the underlying logic is that of fear. What will happen if...?

But have you considered that if you love the sinner, you'd realize that he is in desperate need of help, but is unable or unwilling to break out of this addiction on his own?  Maybe there is a great counseling program that he or she can access, but for some reason, just won't.  Maybe he or she has tried and tried and feels too demoralized with each failure.  So how does the combination of pitying and nagging help?

If you love your addicted spouse, you need to be ready to take drastic action, even if it means allowing them to lose you, so that they can awaken a sense of indignation towards their destructive behavior.  Allow them to feel the shame of being exposed to their extended family, and for them to see that someone loves them enough to say ENOUGH.  Everyone's heard about tough love, but it takes a very focused and loving spouse to be able to administer it.  Sometimes love does hurt.

Addictions are just symptoms of deeper unresolved problems.  Self-hatred, disappointments, fear, a desire to escape the pain of the real world.  Giving up a substance is one thing. Getting healed of the root cause is a totally different thing, that has to happen on a deeper spiritual level.  So giving your spouse an ultimatum to just quit the addiction, or you're out on the street, is not intelligent.  Find the options that can help them find their freedom - a program of intensive counseling, rehab, spiritual deliverance, whatever is needed.  You also, need to find the counseling and prayer that can help you get out of the codependency rut.  Your nagging can actually become a trigger for your spouse's addictions.  Not the results you thought you would get, right?  You may even be addicted yourself, to your own negative thought processes.

There are of course, risks.  What if you tell him or her that if they don't seek help urgently, that the marriage will end, and then they go off the deep end?  What if they never do change? What if they don't like the counseling, resist the steps they need to take to be healed, and end  up in the gutter?  That's where your faith in God has to kick in.  True, he or she may never change.  But in that case you and your children will be better off free from the bondage of those addictions.  When it's all said and done, each of us has to answer for our own choices.  You can't rescue someone who desperately wants to remain lost.

On the other hand, your prayers can allow God to reach your spouse in ways that no one can.  Even in the gutter, he or she can make that decision to fight for a real life.  They will remember all you said and know just where to go to find what they need to be free.  Some people need to hit rock bottom.  And some stubbornly refuse to change.  But that's a choice that no one can make for anyone else.  

FIrst of the Three Intolerables

In our marriage courses and in our church, as much as we encourage marriages to stay together and work out differences, there are always cases in which separation and even divorce must happen.  I say must, because if they don't happen, a very evil and destructive spirit will pervade that home and cause far more harm if it isn't stopped.

In some situations I have no problem encouraging a spouse to leave, even when he or she is hesitant.  Most of the time when separation is needed, there is so much guilt and fear involved, that what may seem like an obvious and necessary step can seem so confusing to the spouse that needs to take that action.  If we always take the "neutral" position of letting them choose for themselves, we can end up with a severely battered wife, a husband who ends up resenting God, or children who are taken away by CPS when they could have been protected by their own parents before things got out of hand.

What are these intolerables?

Abuse:  When there is domestic violence, sexual or emotional abuse, when the abuser refuses to be honest and get the help that he or she needs and continues this behavior, the spouse and children must be removed from the home immediately.  What if the other spouse fights back? What if he says he's sorry?  When abuse occurs, it is far more than just a problem of someone's temper getting out of hand.  There is a deeper root that has to be pulled out from inside the heart and emotions of a person who feels a need to inflict harm on those he or she claims to love.

This person is unwell, and needs to find help.  For a spouse to stay in that situation, especially with children involved, he or she is condoning that behavior just by staying put.  Not only condoning, but in essence inviting that behavior to repeat.  This can cause severe emotional damage to the innocent children who have to witness this, and could potentially have them removed from the care of both parents.  When you come into contact with a woman who wants to leave a violent husband, by all means, let her leave!  Pray for her, encourage her to get counseling, but he will NOT change when he gets his way.

One of the worst things that we can do to a spouse that is being abused is to tell them to "just pray." Faith is paramount to seeing God change hardhearted people, but faith (as the mantra goes in our church) has to be intelligent.  That means that we have to take action and do what is sensible, even if our emotions scream out in fear.  Fear has to be pushed to the side and rational faith take over.

Your fears say that if you pack up and leave, he or she will be so angry they'll never change.  Fears say that your children will suffer terribly if you take them away from their mom or dad.  Fear demands that you remain paralyzed and take the easiest, least threatening path to finding a solution, which often translates into doing nothing.  Fear makes you codependent.

But FAITH dictates that we do what is right - that we stand our ground and believe that through our boldness of action that God will see us through, protect our children, and give us victory.  And what if the abusive spouse spirals out of control, doesn't want to change and walks out on the marriage?  The answer to that is, move on. Your presence cannot heal him or her. Only God can heal them and only they can fight for their freedom.   You on the other hand, have an obligation to value yourself enough to fight for your own blessings and freedom.

The second intolerable coming next...

The Love Walk continues...

Just because the date of our Love Walk has already passed, you can still do your own!  The Love Walk kit which includes 2 T-shirts, an explanatory CD and two brochures, can be ordered either by phone or online at SucceedinLife.org or 888-691-2291.

Friends don’t let friends be lonely

Even with a boisterous bunch of kids, tons of activities and a busy social life, there is a surprising amount of marriages that are made of two, very lonely people. 

“I want to talk to him, but I know that he resents my questions.  He’ll just keep staring at his computer as if I hadn’t said a thing, so why bother trying?”

“She has no idea how frustrating work is, but there she goes complaining about how we haven’t taken a vacation in ages. Now why would I want to spend a vacation listening to that irritating voice 24/7?”

The walls go up and the busy routines get busier, just to drown out the emotional stalemate between the two.  Does this sound familiar?    

Ask yourself:  Was there ever a time we loved talking to each other?  When did that end, or did it just fade away?  What happened?  Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in a lonely marriage?  You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Unfortunately some couples never started out as friends.  Some found a partner that was a convenient escape from a difficult life, others found an object of sexual desire, and others just an opportunity to merge financial assets to raise a family.  Whatever the initial motive for your marriage, it’s not too late to change course.  But there is no way around the fact that making your relationship successful now, requires turning what you have into a friendship.  And not any old friendship, but a great friendship.  Great friendships talk.

Friends worry about each other’s feelings, and care about what each other is going through.  They learn to read each other and believe the best in each other, can’t wait to hang out, and think of each other first whenever there’s news to be shared. Friends enjoy a good laugh, and don’t take themselves too seriously. Friends have fun listening to each other’s silly rambling quirky thoughts, just because they’re friends.

Think about it.  Are you and your spouse friends?  Whether or not you are, you are in luck.  The Love Walk on May 20^th is probably the best antidote to a lonely marriage that you can put to use right away.  

A Mother's Day Resolution: Let your children see you fight

I thought this title might get your attention... 

Being a good parent means letting your kids see what you are made of when hard times hit.  They need to see you fight.  Not that angry selfish rage-aholic kind of fighting, but an intelligent fight against the negative things that attack us in our daily lives.  Those thoughts that we foolishly allow into our heads, the negative emotions and attitudes that can churn inside of us.  They need to see how we engage in this fight, and part of it is how we fight against our own selfish nature.  

That includes the ability to apologize, be humble and show our kids that we mean it when we decide to change for the better.  A child who witnesses mom or dad struggling through a decision to quit an addiction, to forgive an offense, to stop being negative or to overcome some obstacle, becomes more firmly bonded to his or her parent than those who live in a fantasy world that their parents can do no wrong. A parent who admits their faults and faces them bravely becomes a hero in their child's eyes.

Sarah had had enough of her husband's drinking problem.  She had tried so hard to make her marriage work, and at times he looked like he was really changing.  But evidence proved that he was secretly indulging in his addiction.  She did all she could to hide it from her daughter, who knew things were bad, but didn't know why.  Little Tyler heard the arguments, felt the tension of the silent treatment and  saw the tears in her mother's eyes.  But when she asked what was wrong, all she got was, "Don't worry, we're just disagreeing.  Just pray, God will take care of it."  Tyler was insecure, unhappy and was starting to get into trouble in school.  The two people she loved the most in the world couldn't get along, and she was just expected to be ignore it.

When Sarah finally decided to move out, it was the hardest thing to explain to Tyler why they were leaving Daddy.  Sarah didn't believe that Tyler deserved to know the truth.  Holding it back only confused Tyler, and caused her to resent her mother.  Without the right information, all Tyler knew was that her mother had just torn the family apart by walking out on the father she loved.  Sarah mistakenly thought she was protecting her child by hiding her marriage problems. In fact, Sarah was being proud.  Revealing her faults to Tyler would be humiliating.  I had to tell her that this was the perfect time to teach her daughter valuable lessons, and give her the tools to know how to deal with any kind of adversity.

Sarah asked me to help explain things to Tyler, and she was amazed at how well her little daughter was able to understand what had happened and what needed to be done.  

All the energy that Sarah had wasted in hiding the truth, she was able to use to a much more effective way.  I taught both Tyler and Sarah that now was the time to fight.  Daddy had an addiction.  They had to fight this spirit that wanted to destroy him and destroy their family as well.  They weren't going to fight Tyler's Dad or be angry with him - they should still love and pray for him.  But they had to fight the evil that was working.  This separation was a way to help him, not hurt him.

When Tyler was given her "mission" to fight in prayer with Mommy every day, the sad and confused little girl became a very brave and focused one.  Sarah had to admit that she hadn't been the best wife, and hadn't fought in faith like she could have.  But this time was different, and this time they would be blessed.  Even if he didn't want to change and the marriage had to end - they would be blessed.

Sarah had to take down her facade of being the perfect mom with everything under control.  It was such a thin facade anyway, that it wasn't fooling Tyler one bit.  Showing her daughter that she had made  mistakes and that her father was an imperfect man, allowed God to teach them all a perfect and beautiful lesson about Himself.

Through the struggle of faith, both Sarah and Tyler became stronger and more connected with God and with each other.  The end of the story is that Sarah's marriage has been healed, and her husband has not only stopped drinking, but is actively changing the negative attitudes that had fed his addiction.  I know - not all marriage problems have a happy ending, even with faith involved.  But even if he had refused to change, Sarah and Tyler would have had the wisdom and strength to move on, because they learned to fight.

So happy Mother's Day moms!  Fight, and teach your children to fight.  Let them see you fight, even stumble, get up and fight more.  Fight for your faith to become the greatest legacy to hand down to your children - a faith that is courageous and says no to evil.  Amazing how loving peaceful homes can come from fighting mothers.

Baby blues pt. 2

How can the natural wiring of a woman to love and protect her baby be so easily overridden by negative emotions?  How can a woman reject her own flesh and blood, the child she conceived and nurtured in her own body for nine months?

This is seen in the animal kingdom, especially when a mother gives birth to her cubs in captivity.  But we aren't animals, we have the ability to reason and choose what is right and wrong.  The fact that post-partum depression can sink into post-partum psychosis shows us that the power of emotions can lead us down a dangerous path - even to suicide.

If you or someone you know, is preparing to give birth any time soon, stop and think of these questions:

• What situation were you in when you conceived this child?  Happily married?  Financially stable?  Emotionally prepared?  If not, have you been able to find the support and encouragement you need to deal with the upcoming stress of having a baby?
• How have you been caring for your health during your pregnancy?  Have you been seeing your doctor/midwife regularly?  Have you been enjoying healthy foods?  Have you quit unhealthy habits/addictions for the sake of your baby?  Have you been trying to exercise and prepare your body for what is to come?
• How have you been preparing yourself mentally?  Have you been reading books and articles about child-care?  Have you planned out the baby's room or sleeping situation?  Have you chosen a name, and have you started buying any toys and clothes yet? Have you decided whether you want to nurse or bottle-feed?
• What about your other family relationships?  Have you been speaking regularly to your husband and children about the newcomer to your home?  Have you made sure that everyone is happy and prepared for the new responsibilities?  Are you helping your children to feel loved and important now that they will be a big brother/sister?  Are you still working at keeping your marriage strong and loving?
• Have you made a plan to purchase all the necessary things for the baby before he or she arrives?  Crib, car seat, clothes and diapers, blankets and baby monitor?  If your finances don't allow you to buy all that you would like, have you found a way to at least gather together all that you need? Are you at peace with the fact that you will still be able to love and care for your baby even without all the things you would like to have?

This seems like an awful lot of questions to answer before your baby is born, and you're right, it is.  Bringing a child into this world is not a game, nor is it a chance to play with a "living doll" as some teenage girls mistakenly imagine.  It is a weight of responsibility that should not be taken casually - ever.

Most of the cases of post-natal depression, are due to unresolved emotional issues that they may not even be aware of because they are buried under layers of denial or fear.  A woman who has a child that she secretly resents because it was conceived at a time or with a partner that she was not happy with, can greatly affect the difficulty level of her birth process, and the way she treats that child for the rest of her life.  A woman who feels guilty that she is bringing a child into the world while she is not yet financially prepared, can both love that child and mistreat it - not because she doesn't have enough money to care for it, but because her guilt doesn't allow her to have a healthy relationship with it.

A woman who conceives a child in the desperate hope that her husband will love her and commit to her more, already puts herself at risk for post-natal depression.  She is putting all her hope on that child to save her marriage, an unfair burden for an innocent baby to carry.

I remember both of my midwives spending a great deal of time talking to me about my emotional state during my two pregnancies.  Their experiences showed that women who were anxious and had unresolved fears generally went through greater complications during labor.  Women with happy homes and peaceful hearts most often had easier labors and babies that adjusted well to life outside the womb.

Our emotions are so closely linked to our bodies.  Not just by influencing choices we make, but even affecting our subconscious bodily functions.  A worried heart can block contractions in labor.  A resentful spirit can dry up breast milk, and a guilty conscience can look at the beautiful face of a newborn baby and want nothing to do with it.

Women who are suffering from postpartum depression need help and encouragement right away, for their sake and their babies'.  For anyone who can see that she is heading in this direction, you need counsel and prayer immediately.  Guilt, fear, shame, anxiety, doesn't go away just by choice.  You need other's with faith in a loving and powerful God to help you heal from this.  The good news is that it can be healed, and your new family can be as happier than you can imagine.

For information on where to find the help you need, email me at feh@succeedinlife.org