Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Manipulations of the "Perfect Wife"

In our marriage courses at church and among the many couples we counsel, a recurring syndrome has been noticed:  the "abusive victim."  I've seen it among husbands, but in my experience, mostly in wives.

She badgers, complains and nags him because he is not getting things done quite right.  She is a "perfectionist" she claims, she loves him dearly and wants to help him improve.  She also knows how to indulge him with lots of loving actions: delicious food, an impeccable home, affection, hugs and kisses, but she knows how to make him feel like trash, that he doesn't deserve any of it.  She reminds him of what a mess he was when she found him, and how she has so generously "fixed" him.  She subtly convinces him he is one lucky, lucky man to have such a perfect wife.

But the nagging is unreasonable and unbearable.  She always has a justification for it, but she makes sure to push his buttons, over and over again.  Until he finally explodes.  He behaves monstrously.  He shouts, he becomes abusive, he punches holes in the walls.  He knows he is a worthless nobody because she reminds him every day by her attitudes, and something inside of him can't bear it any more.  But now what has he done?  He has proven once again that he is a monster, an evil man, unworthy and oh, so fortunate that this wonderful perfect wife whom he has victimized will accept him back home again. So he bows his head in shame and goes back to her, apologizing and torturing himself that he is less than a man.  And the cycle begins all over again.

She has him in a head-lock, and is draining every bit of life from him year by year.  The big question is, how do you show him the lies that he is believing about himself?  How can you encourage him without revealing the manipulations of his "perfect" wife?

It is a reality that some women enjoy seeing their husband fail and suffer, so that he will always be grateful to her for rescuing him like a lost puppy.  It's sadistic but it's true.  The only hope I see for a couple like this is in spiritual warfare, to break the back of this demon of the abusive "victim".

29 comments:

Ana Villatoro said...

How sad to hear that this exist in a marriage. I think that only having the character of God is that this can be avoided.

Gemma Leon UK said...

So strong Mrs Evelyn, I was glued to the screen.

carol said...

So so true, i resently watched a movie about nagging wife, this woman she drove her husband away and by the time her eyes were opened it was too late to win her husband.

Bianca Moctezuma said...

Wow very sad but true, what goes through peoples marriages.

Tania- Queens, NY said...

God give me strength to never be like that. A wife must be submissive, speak only what's necessary and obey her duties to the Lord and to her husband. God made us out of man's ribs not to be stepped on or to be over him, but to be his perfect companion.

Cindy Flores_Manila said...

i agree on this post and comments. many bought and buys that kind of attitude which are all lies. this really cause many marriage relationships very sick.

we women must avoid this kind of lies. let's be wise and submissive to our husband (me on my future husband ^_^)

^_^
Cindy from Manila

Raquel Parras said...

It´s very sad that the concept of husband and wife for some people is changing, very sad...***

ARTCEL said...

I loved your article, surely a couple should always be careful not to let Satan hinders God's plan. the spirit of Jezebel is very easily and find loopholes in facies relationships without prayer. God bless.

Mayela said...

As i was reading this it made me remember alot of married couples i know! But's it's a sad reality, only when a marriage has a foundation with God will it work out right, because they don't live to plese themselves but to please their partner, and that way they both give, and receive! :-)

Liza said...

Hi Mrs. Evelyn!

Your Post was an eye-opener. This is so true. As our God say, we must be submissive in our husband.

Lily Torneros said...

Wow, this message has so much truth in it.

Camila said...

Hi Mrs. Evelyn, it is so sad this kind of situation. The women can build or destroy a relationship and a man. Thanks for this message.

Marcia Pires said...

Hi Evelyn, thanks for the post. It is very difficult to understand that when we set for marriage, we are setting for a life time commitment and we have two ways to go: either we are truly happy and make the most out of it; or we just drag it until life sets us apart or divorce falls in as a glove. We are Christians and understand this life long commitment however we see this manipulation game in every level among Christians. We read the Bible, we hear messages about changing the bad that is inside of us but few give ears to that and marriage has been the toilet waste bin of much evil destroying couples and families.

Divya said...

It is so beautiful to see a wife that builds her husbands inner strength and self worth. I remember watching one of my cousins and her husband. He was just driving us, but she placed her hand on top of his hand and said he was doing a good job. Something so simple, so plain, everyone drives, but even in that little action she decided to show him how much she appreciated that he was there and that even being tired he was driving us to were we needed to go.

That is beautiful ;0)

manako said...

Thanks a lot Mrs Evelyn.
Its shows how woman can be so manipulative to their husband. It is sad but also true to find that there are woman who are actually like this. We as Christians we need to understand the concepts of a good marriage and a good wife. Its only through the guidance and direction of God that we can overcome.

Thanks

Princess Erika - Philippines said...

Very sad but true!

As a wife, each one must be submissive and humble to the authority of our husband.

suLmaaa said...

Ugh! This makes me mad! Its things like these that their kids hear! It always makes the mom look like the victim because she ends up crying in the end. And of course, she tell the kids its the fathers fault! Women like this need to realize whats happening pronto! Its not the husband nor the wifes fault. Its that hideous demon that needs his face dragged across the floor with a beating!

Kenia Rivas said...

Hi Mrs. Evelyn,

This is today's sad reality.
It is wonderful to see marriages that are full of sincerity and love, husbands and wives that support, encourage, and build each other up, and by doing so they strengthen their marriage more each day. Marriages built upon trust, companionship, friendship, love, and most importantly based upon God's teachings and guidance. Thank You for this post.

Sincerely,
Kenia Rivas

Dania said...

This is true, at the beginng of my marriage I was this woman. The Nagging wife asking for so little of him. My husband had a pass and a daugther for his pervious relationship. I had nothing I marry my first boyfriend. I felt that when we got marry I was the one doing all the my scarfies, which I was but in the wrong way. I scarfie because I except for him to value it and have me in the highest of his goals. How selfish I was, I was ending my marriage. I wanted to let him know everything I felt and make him feel sorry. The worst part was that my husband wouldn't causing shouting and a coldness in my marriage daily. All because I wouldn't let go. Thanks to God he spoke to me threw the pastor and I listen and put to practice the advice he gave me. Now I can say that the nagging is gone and we are closer then ever. How I love the man God gave me as a husband.

Debora Anjos said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Debora Anjos said...

"Our loved" Hollywood probably has lots to do with this picture...
The truth is that we learn from what we see, and if all we see is that a woman is more of a woman when she plays the victim type, that is what she'll do.

Some (Most - may be a better way to put it) people say that being the submissive, homemaker (even if you have a career) wife diminishes the value of the woman but I can say that in all the marriages that I see succeed, the wife plays this very role believed to be so absurd, old-fashioned, and humiliating.

Only those who don't want to see believe the lies Hollywood and the whole media tell....

Maria Theresa said...

Hi Mrs. Evelyn,
How had this story but it is true.There's a lot of couple that i know that pass through this kind of situation. I believe that this thing happened because GOD is not the center of their life.

Very strong message and also a reminder for the couple not to be like this.

THESS (Manila-Philippines)

Izamar Romero said...

Very Strong, sad but true

Natalia said...

I feel very sad to know that there is marriages like that, and is sad because I can't picture being in a relationship like that, hope God really talk to those people whose going thru this.

Lerato Mkhwanazi- RSA said...

Thank you Mrs. Evelyn for this article. As wives we need to seek the direction from God as to how to help our husbands flourish and grow; emotional manipulation will only impede our husbands to be what God wants them to be.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mrs. Evelyn, this message is very strong. It is sad to hear about this bad testimony....Your message opened my eyes!!!! I dont want to be a nagging wife.

Thanks

Rebeca=) said...

A nagging woman can be like death to a man I'm sure. really strong message about how she can really mess up a marriage because God wants woman to submit and be respectful.

Sarah Dok said...

This is very sad and I've met women like this. Thanks for the message Mrs Evelyn it's powerful.

Triana ! said...

thats is the only way she can be freed and him to i have seen this before and its very sad altigh it only God who can help no one else