Second of the Three Intolerables

It seems paradoxical that so many spouses will call it quits for trivial, petty matters, while others will tolerate serious betrayals and keep hanging onto toxic marriages for years.  They imagine they are being forgiving, caring, understanding.  But they are slowly poisoning themselves with all the negativity that they choose to put up with.  They have become codependent.     

Some behavior or habits are intolerable in a marriage, and the marriage either needs to end, or each spouse needs to actively and aggressively find help to change.  Anywhere in between is just an existence, not a marriage.

The second intolerable?  Addictions.

Drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, any obsessive behavior that consumes a person's mind and attention to the detriment of his or her family relationships and/or health.

"I love the sinner, but hate the sin," is a common saying, which is generally the right idea.  Whoever is caught up in an addiction needs help, love and compassion, while his addiction should be fought against.  But how this is interpreted by some, is to do nothing more than complain, beg, plead and pray that the offending spouse change.  When the addict promises to stop, begs for forgiveness, makes an effort, but goes right back to his or her addiction after a period of time, the codependent spouse will also go right back to the same tactics of pleading, crying, complaining and getting angry.  But nothing more is done.

Why?

• Because my addicted husband is the primary bread winner, and if I kick him out, who will pay the mortgage?  
• Because Jesus says we must forgive 70 times 7 times, and hopefully sooner or later, he'll really mean it when he says he's sorry.
• Because the kids love her and it would break their hearts if I made her go to rehab.
• Because I'm not strong enough to make it on my own without him.
• Because then the whole family would know this dirty secret.
• Because I believe that marriage is for life and that God would be angry with me if I end it.

If you look at these excuses, you can see that the underlying logic is that of fear. What will happen if...?

But have you considered that if you love the sinner, you'd realize that he is in desperate need of help, but is unable or unwilling to break out of this addiction on his own?  Maybe there is a great counseling program that he or she can access, but for some reason, just won't.  Maybe he or she has tried and tried and feels too demoralized with each failure.  So how does the combination of pitying and nagging help?

If you love your addicted spouse, you need to be ready to take drastic action, even if it means allowing them to lose you, so that they can awaken a sense of indignation towards their destructive behavior.  Allow them to feel the shame of being exposed to their extended family, and for them to see that someone loves them enough to say ENOUGH.  Everyone's heard about tough love, but it takes a very focused and loving spouse to be able to administer it.  Sometimes love does hurt.

Addictions are just symptoms of deeper unresolved problems.  Self-hatred, disappointments, fear, a desire to escape the pain of the real world.  Giving up a substance is one thing. Getting healed of the root cause is a totally different thing, that has to happen on a deeper spiritual level.  So giving your spouse an ultimatum to just quit the addiction, or you're out on the street, is not intelligent.  Find the options that can help them find their freedom - a program of intensive counseling, rehab, spiritual deliverance, whatever is needed.  You also, need to find the counseling and prayer that can help you get out of the codependency rut.  Your nagging can actually become a trigger for your spouse's addictions.  Not the results you thought you would get, right?  You may even be addicted yourself, to your own negative thought processes.

There are of course, risks.  What if you tell him or her that if they don't seek help urgently, that the marriage will end, and then they go off the deep end?  What if they never do change? What if they don't like the counseling, resist the steps they need to take to be healed, and end  up in the gutter?  That's where your faith in God has to kick in.  True, he or she may never change.  But in that case you and your children will be better off free from the bondage of those addictions.  When it's all said and done, each of us has to answer for our own choices.  You can't rescue someone who desperately wants to remain lost.

On the other hand, your prayers can allow God to reach your spouse in ways that no one can.  Even in the gutter, he or she can make that decision to fight for a real life.  They will remember all you said and know just where to go to find what they need to be free.  Some people need to hit rock bottom.  And some stubbornly refuse to change.  But that's a choice that no one can make for anyone else.  

A Mother's Day Resolution: Let your children see you fight

I thought this title might get your attention... 

Being a good parent means letting your kids see what you are made of when hard times hit.  They need to see you fight.  Not that angry selfish rage-aholic kind of fighting, but an intelligent fight against the negative things that attack us in our daily lives.  Those thoughts that we foolishly allow into our heads, the negative emotions and attitudes that can churn inside of us.  They need to see how we engage in this fight, and part of it is how we fight against our own selfish nature.  

That includes the ability to apologize, be humble and show our kids that we mean it when we decide to change for the better.  A child who witnesses mom or dad struggling through a decision to quit an addiction, to forgive an offense, to stop being negative or to overcome some obstacle, becomes more firmly bonded to his or her parent than those who live in a fantasy world that their parents can do no wrong. A parent who admits their faults and faces them bravely becomes a hero in their child's eyes.

Sarah had had enough of her husband's drinking problem.  She had tried so hard to make her marriage work, and at times he looked like he was really changing.  But evidence proved that he was secretly indulging in his addiction.  She did all she could to hide it from her daughter, who knew things were bad, but didn't know why.  Little Tyler heard the arguments, felt the tension of the silent treatment and  saw the tears in her mother's eyes.  But when she asked what was wrong, all she got was, "Don't worry, we're just disagreeing.  Just pray, God will take care of it."  Tyler was insecure, unhappy and was starting to get into trouble in school.  The two people she loved the most in the world couldn't get along, and she was just expected to be ignore it.

When Sarah finally decided to move out, it was the hardest thing to explain to Tyler why they were leaving Daddy.  Sarah didn't believe that Tyler deserved to know the truth.  Holding it back only confused Tyler, and caused her to resent her mother.  Without the right information, all Tyler knew was that her mother had just torn the family apart by walking out on the father she loved.  Sarah mistakenly thought she was protecting her child by hiding her marriage problems. In fact, Sarah was being proud.  Revealing her faults to Tyler would be humiliating.  I had to tell her that this was the perfect time to teach her daughter valuable lessons, and give her the tools to know how to deal with any kind of adversity.

Sarah asked me to help explain things to Tyler, and she was amazed at how well her little daughter was able to understand what had happened and what needed to be done.  

All the energy that Sarah had wasted in hiding the truth, she was able to use to a much more effective way.  I taught both Tyler and Sarah that now was the time to fight.  Daddy had an addiction.  They had to fight this spirit that wanted to destroy him and destroy their family as well.  They weren't going to fight Tyler's Dad or be angry with him - they should still love and pray for him.  But they had to fight the evil that was working.  This separation was a way to help him, not hurt him.

When Tyler was given her "mission" to fight in prayer with Mommy every day, the sad and confused little girl became a very brave and focused one.  Sarah had to admit that she hadn't been the best wife, and hadn't fought in faith like she could have.  But this time was different, and this time they would be blessed.  Even if he didn't want to change and the marriage had to end - they would be blessed.

Sarah had to take down her facade of being the perfect mom with everything under control.  It was such a thin facade anyway, that it wasn't fooling Tyler one bit.  Showing her daughter that she had made  mistakes and that her father was an imperfect man, allowed God to teach them all a perfect and beautiful lesson about Himself.

Through the struggle of faith, both Sarah and Tyler became stronger and more connected with God and with each other.  The end of the story is that Sarah's marriage has been healed, and her husband has not only stopped drinking, but is actively changing the negative attitudes that had fed his addiction.  I know - not all marriage problems have a happy ending, even with faith involved.  But even if he had refused to change, Sarah and Tyler would have had the wisdom and strength to move on, because they learned to fight.

So happy Mother's Day moms!  Fight, and teach your children to fight.  Let them see you fight, even stumble, get up and fight more.  Fight for your faith to become the greatest legacy to hand down to your children - a faith that is courageous and says no to evil.  Amazing how loving peaceful homes can come from fighting mothers.