Second of the Three Intolerables

It seems paradoxical that so many spouses will call it quits for trivial, petty matters, while others will tolerate serious betrayals and keep hanging onto toxic marriages for years.  They imagine they are being forgiving, caring, understanding.  But they are slowly poisoning themselves with all the negativity that they choose to put up with.  They have become codependent.     

Some behavior or habits are intolerable in a marriage, and the marriage either needs to end, or each spouse needs to actively and aggressively find help to change.  Anywhere in between is just an existence, not a marriage.

The second intolerable?  Addictions.

Drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, any obsessive behavior that consumes a person's mind and attention to the detriment of his or her family relationships and/or health.

"I love the sinner, but hate the sin," is a common saying, which is generally the right idea.  Whoever is caught up in an addiction needs help, love and compassion, while his addiction should be fought against.  But how this is interpreted by some, is to do nothing more than complain, beg, plead and pray that the offending spouse change.  When the addict promises to stop, begs for forgiveness, makes an effort, but goes right back to his or her addiction after a period of time, the codependent spouse will also go right back to the same tactics of pleading, crying, complaining and getting angry.  But nothing more is done.

Why?

• Because my addicted husband is the primary bread winner, and if I kick him out, who will pay the mortgage?  
• Because Jesus says we must forgive 70 times 7 times, and hopefully sooner or later, he'll really mean it when he says he's sorry.
• Because the kids love her and it would break their hearts if I made her go to rehab.
• Because I'm not strong enough to make it on my own without him.
• Because then the whole family would know this dirty secret.
• Because I believe that marriage is for life and that God would be angry with me if I end it.

If you look at these excuses, you can see that the underlying logic is that of fear. What will happen if...?

But have you considered that if you love the sinner, you'd realize that he is in desperate need of help, but is unable or unwilling to break out of this addiction on his own?  Maybe there is a great counseling program that he or she can access, but for some reason, just won't.  Maybe he or she has tried and tried and feels too demoralized with each failure.  So how does the combination of pitying and nagging help?

If you love your addicted spouse, you need to be ready to take drastic action, even if it means allowing them to lose you, so that they can awaken a sense of indignation towards their destructive behavior.  Allow them to feel the shame of being exposed to their extended family, and for them to see that someone loves them enough to say ENOUGH.  Everyone's heard about tough love, but it takes a very focused and loving spouse to be able to administer it.  Sometimes love does hurt.

Addictions are just symptoms of deeper unresolved problems.  Self-hatred, disappointments, fear, a desire to escape the pain of the real world.  Giving up a substance is one thing. Getting healed of the root cause is a totally different thing, that has to happen on a deeper spiritual level.  So giving your spouse an ultimatum to just quit the addiction, or you're out on the street, is not intelligent.  Find the options that can help them find their freedom - a program of intensive counseling, rehab, spiritual deliverance, whatever is needed.  You also, need to find the counseling and prayer that can help you get out of the codependency rut.  Your nagging can actually become a trigger for your spouse's addictions.  Not the results you thought you would get, right?  You may even be addicted yourself, to your own negative thought processes.

There are of course, risks.  What if you tell him or her that if they don't seek help urgently, that the marriage will end, and then they go off the deep end?  What if they never do change? What if they don't like the counseling, resist the steps they need to take to be healed, and end  up in the gutter?  That's where your faith in God has to kick in.  True, he or she may never change.  But in that case you and your children will be better off free from the bondage of those addictions.  When it's all said and done, each of us has to answer for our own choices.  You can't rescue someone who desperately wants to remain lost.

On the other hand, your prayers can allow God to reach your spouse in ways that no one can.  Even in the gutter, he or she can make that decision to fight for a real life.  They will remember all you said and know just where to go to find what they need to be free.  Some people need to hit rock bottom.  And some stubbornly refuse to change.  But that's a choice that no one can make for anyone else.  

FIrst of the Three Intolerables

In our marriage courses and in our church, as much as we encourage marriages to stay together and work out differences, there are always cases in which separation and even divorce must happen.  I say must, because if they don't happen, a very evil and destructive spirit will pervade that home and cause far more harm if it isn't stopped.

In some situations I have no problem encouraging a spouse to leave, even when he or she is hesitant.  Most of the time when separation is needed, there is so much guilt and fear involved, that what may seem like an obvious and necessary step can seem so confusing to the spouse that needs to take that action.  If we always take the "neutral" position of letting them choose for themselves, we can end up with a severely battered wife, a husband who ends up resenting God, or children who are taken away by CPS when they could have been protected by their own parents before things got out of hand.

What are these intolerables?

Abuse:  When there is domestic violence, sexual or emotional abuse, when the abuser refuses to be honest and get the help that he or she needs and continues this behavior, the spouse and children must be removed from the home immediately.  What if the other spouse fights back? What if he says he's sorry?  When abuse occurs, it is far more than just a problem of someone's temper getting out of hand.  There is a deeper root that has to be pulled out from inside the heart and emotions of a person who feels a need to inflict harm on those he or she claims to love.

This person is unwell, and needs to find help.  For a spouse to stay in that situation, especially with children involved, he or she is condoning that behavior just by staying put.  Not only condoning, but in essence inviting that behavior to repeat.  This can cause severe emotional damage to the innocent children who have to witness this, and could potentially have them removed from the care of both parents.  When you come into contact with a woman who wants to leave a violent husband, by all means, let her leave!  Pray for her, encourage her to get counseling, but he will NOT change when he gets his way.

One of the worst things that we can do to a spouse that is being abused is to tell them to "just pray." Faith is paramount to seeing God change hardhearted people, but faith (as the mantra goes in our church) has to be intelligent.  That means that we have to take action and do what is sensible, even if our emotions scream out in fear.  Fear has to be pushed to the side and rational faith take over.

Your fears say that if you pack up and leave, he or she will be so angry they'll never change.  Fears say that your children will suffer terribly if you take them away from their mom or dad.  Fear demands that you remain paralyzed and take the easiest, least threatening path to finding a solution, which often translates into doing nothing.  Fear makes you codependent.

But FAITH dictates that we do what is right - that we stand our ground and believe that through our boldness of action that God will see us through, protect our children, and give us victory.  And what if the abusive spouse spirals out of control, doesn't want to change and walks out on the marriage?  The answer to that is, move on. Your presence cannot heal him or her. Only God can heal them and only they can fight for their freedom.   You on the other hand, have an obligation to value yourself enough to fight for your own blessings and freedom.

The second intolerable coming next...