Handicapping your kids with poor social skills

I just came across an interesting story about a man named Chris Langan - an off-the-chart genius.  He has an IQ of 197 (Einstein's was estimated around 160) and aced his SAT exam, even though he fell asleep half way through and woke up in time to finish with a perfect score.  He was speaking at 6 months old and taught himself to read at 3.  He barely showed up for high school classes, just for the tests which he would breeze through effortlessly.  In his first year of college, his enthusiastic love of calculus was frustrated by his humiliated professor, who understood much less than his teenage student.  This guy is so smart, he makes the rest of us look severely retarded.

Chris grew up in a very abusive, poverty stricken home.  He has all the brains to become the next Einstein, and find his place among the highest echelons of scientists and professors in the world, but Chris never made it even close.  Why? One reason that has been suggested is that his past somehow handicapped him in an area just as crucial as academic intelligence: lack of social skills.

It sounds too simplistic, but being unable to relate to others in a way that motivates them care for and help you, can actually speak louder than intelligence.  It makes no sense that a college with a genius for a student, wouldn't bend over backwards to find a way to keep him enrolled, and aid him to become the great academic that he was meant to be.  It seems he found ways to alienate himself, and people who should have been thrilled with him, turned their backs on him.  The smartest man in the world ended up as a construction worker, a farm hand, a deck hand on a clam boat, and even a bouncer at a bar.

Social skills aren't taught at school; they are shown by example through the people we grow up with.  Society expects us to be reasonable and considerate, but there are finer-tuned skills that can determine whether someone really does well in winning the trust of others, or, in subtle and unexplainable ways, puts people off.  This can mean a world of difference in who gets chosen for a job, gets accepted into a program, or a college, is accepted into an inner circle of friends or in a company and so on.

It's those who know how to put others at ease, who can convey sincerity and trustworthiness, who can explain their ideas and thoughts clearly and intelligently without being offensive or rude, who know how to be funny, serious, sensitive, and bold all at the right times, these are generally the kind of people that have the skills to go far in this world.  Put that together with a good amount of smarts - not genius, just smarts - and you have the basic ingredients for a successful life.

So what does this have to do with our kids?  And how do we handicap them?  It all starts in the kind of homes we have, they way we interact with them, and the activities we encourage them to enjoy on a regular basis.

Even if you live in low income housing, send them to sub-par schools, work long hours as a single parent, and are too exhausted to do much at the end of the day, there is still much you can do to either equip your children with skills for their future - or paralyze them.  It all begins with understanding one of the basic needs of your children.

What is that basic need?  Read more in the next post, coming soon....

Not Your Typical Mother's Day Message...

The Importance of Dads

As I watch more teenage girls wander into our churches with little babies conceived by boyfriends long-gone, I feel for them and the hard path ahead to raise these children alone.  But I feel even more for these children, born into homes with no father there who is committed to loving and raising them, no foundation of a married set of parents who will not only teach them, but show them by example how beautiful a whole family can be.

A father's presence in a home makes a world of difference in the shaping of a child's self-image, for both boys and girls.  For anyone who says that it's just fine to raise a child alone, as long as it is loved and cared for, doesn't understand that part of the love and care a child needs, is to have both a mom and dad present, active, loving, correcting and faithful to each other.  A child without a good marriage to undergird him, is  automatically born with so many obstacles to overcome as a result.

Read this portion of an article (The Involved Father) from one of the Focus on the Family's parenting experts, Glenn T. Stanton:


Fathers parent differently.
Fathering expert Dr. Kyle Pruett explains that fathers have a distinct style of communication and interaction with children. By eight weeks of age, infants can tell the difference between their mother’s and father’s interaction with them.

This diversity, in itself, provides children with a broader, richer experience of contrasting relational interactions. Whether they realize it or not, children are learning, by sheer experience, that men and women are different and have different ways of dealing with life, other adults and children. This understanding is critical for their development.

Fathers play differently.
Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air (while mother says . . . "Not so high!"). Fathers chase their children, sometimes as playful, scary "monsters."

Fathering expert John Snarey explains that children who roughhouse with their fathers learn that biting, kicking and other forms of physical violence are not acceptable.3 They learn self-control by being told when "enough is enough" and when to settle down. Girls and boys both learn a healthy balance between timidity and aggression.

Fathers build confidence.
Go to any playground and listen to the parents. Who is encouraging kids to swing or climb just a little higher, ride their bike just a little faster, throw just a little harder? Who is encouraging kids to be careful? Mothers protect and dads encourage kids to push the limits.

Either of these parenting styles by themselves can be unhealthy. One can tend toward encouraging risk without consideration of consequences. The other tends to avoid risk, which can fail to build independence and confidence. Together, they help children remain safe while expanding their experiences and increasing their confidence.

Fathers communicate differently.
A major study showed that when speaking to children, mothers and fathers are different. Mothers will simplify their words and speak on the child's level. Men are not as inclined to modify their language for the child. The mother's way facilitates immediate communication; the father's way challenges the child to expand her vocabulary and linguistic skills — an important building block of academic success.

Fathers discipline differently.
Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice, fairness and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly, teaching children the consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and sympathy, providing a sense of hopefulness. Again, either of these disciplinary approaches by themselves is not good, but together, they create a healthy, proper balance.

Fathers prepare children for the real world.
Involved dads help children see that attitudes and behaviors have consequences. For instance, fathers are more likely than mothers to tell their children that if they are not nice to others, kids will not want to play with them. Or, if they don't do well in school, they will not get into a good college or secure a desirable job. Fathers help children prepare for the reality and harshness of the world.

Fathers provide a look at the world of men.
Men and women are different. They eat differently. They dress differently. They cope with life differently. Girls and boys who grow up with a father are more familiar and secure with the curious world of men.

Girls with involved, married fathers are more likely to have healthier relationships with the opposite sex because they learn from their fathers how proper men act toward women. They know which behaviors are inappropriate.

They also have a healthy familiarity with the world of men — they don't wonder how a man's facial stubble feels or what it's like to be hugged by strong arms. This knowledge builds emotional security and safety from the exploitation of predatory males.

Boys who grow up with dads are less likely to be violent. They have their masculinity affirmed and learn from their fathers how to channel their masculinity and strength in positive ways. Fathers help sons understand proper male sexuality, hygiene and behavior in age-appropriate ways. As noted sociologist David Popenoe explains, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers — especially biological fathers — bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring."

If Mom is well - all is well

What happens when kids are surrounded by others who don't really care that they exist?  They get really really active.  They laugh louder than necessary, they talk louder, they put on a really annoying act that they are so incredibly happy no matter what happens.  They are, in fact, trying to make themselves believe that they are happy.  Quiet and calm are irritants to these children because they are forced remember they feel rejected and unloved, and then all sorts of behavior problems can arise.  Destructive behavior, anger, aggression, depression, even young children can seek out addictions to hide the pain.

Every heard of that little problem called bi-polar?  This sense of rejection is often the spark that starts a chain reaction that eventually gets kids diagnosed and prescribed mind-numbing drugs by psychiatrists. They are told they have a "chemical imbalance" that can only be treated with psychotic drugs. What they most often have, is parental malfunction.

A few weeks ago I visited an orphanage not too far from Houston with some of the Sisterhood girls to have some fun and games with the children there.  The littlest ones just soaked up all the love and attention with eagerness.  But the 9 and up crowd were exactly as I had described.  First cold and suspicious, and then changed to become excessively loud, active, laughing, jumping, talking, shouting, as if they wanted to believe they were so very happy.  These kids were trying so hard to prove a point, their desperate attempt to appear happy was heartbreaking to witness.  They weren't really trying to prove anything to us - they were trying to prove it to themselves.

No one gives birth to an automatically happy child.  You can't say, "Wow, this one just worked out better than the other one.  I guess he's a keeper!"  Children don't just "work out."  Each has his or her own uniqueness in personality and talents, but their sense of well-being and security has to be formed by their parents.  An unhappy, fearful mother creates instability at home.

A parent that sends signals through their behavior that they resent the presence of their child creates instability, no matter how much time or monty they spend on them, no matter how often they drag them to church.  Kids are experts at finding hypocrisy in us.  If we say we love them and then roll our eyes at the fact that they actually behave like children, their antennae are up to figure out why they are so unwanted, and their hyper-switch is activated.  If mom is tired of me, maybe she'll notice me more if I'm really really loud!  What if I just say, "Hey Mom? Ya know what mom?  Mom? Hey Mom, ya know what?"  over and over every few minutes? That should make her love me more!  Still doesn't work?  Maybe if I kick my sister in the shins and smash her doll against the chair Mom will see how much I need her...

We all know how well that works.

Mothers who find help for themselves first, stand the biggest chance of ever helping their children.  Just the atmosphere at home becomes brighter when Mom is at peace, and without having to say much at all, everyone feels a whole lot happier - including Dad.  And why am I picking at poor Mom as if it's all her problem?  I'm   not.  I just know that among all the couples and families I've counseled, if Mom is truly well - all is well, and the rest can be sorted out.

Dogs in Space and Annoying Children

I knew a mother of four who insisted that she never praised her children, otherwise they would become proud.  She made a point to tell them everything they did wrong to keep them humble.  Her children are grown now, and humble is not a word that would describe any of them.

Another woman had a mother who was always telling her she was so pretty, so wonderful, so perfect, but wouldn't take the time to help her buy appropriate clothes as her body changed and developed with adolescence.  The praise was meaningless if her mother didn't value her enough to spend time or money on this perfect daughter of hers.

Fake praise is like no praise,  and when we receive no praise at all, we can turn into irrational creatures.

Most of the really irritating children that you know, are just desperate for attention.  We criticize them for it, and yet if they were given the attention they truly needed, they would become much happier little people.  The contradiction is, that when they misbehave and act annoying, the last thing you want to do is give them attention!  You'd rather lock them in the basement until they fall asleep because they're so unbearable.

But just like a crying baby, that child is lacking an essential need, and even if he gets punished for his behavior, he'll keep it up because he craves any form of attention, even if it's negative.  And if the annoying child happens to be yours, you've got your work cut out for you.

"But I give him plenty of attention!" you may say in exasperation.  But perhaps the type of attention you think is enough, is not what he needs.  Every child needs personal time alone with mom or dad, just to bond.  They need to talk about all the crazy little thoughts that come into their mind and be heard and still loved even so.  They need you to respond to their crazy thoughts as if they weren't crazy, to help them sort through the whirlwind of ideas that blows through their mind every day.  Here's one example:

"So mom, like if our house turned into a space rocket and we found out that aliens were living in our basement, would dad be able to fight them even though he doesn't have a gun?  And then if we blasted off into space, how would we breathe?  And do dogs ever go to space?"  Etc., etc.

If your default response is, "Why are you wasting my time with these stupid questions?  Do your homework, and look at the mess in your room," you are on your way to creating a really annoying child.  The questions will never end, and behavior problems will increase.  I know, serious discussions about dogs in space are not what you planned on when you became a mother, but welcome to reality!

Smile, listen, talk, hear all that they have to say with patience, give suggestionanswer them with reassurances that no matter what disaster they can imagine strikes, that you will all be just fine because God is watching over you.  Give them hugs and kisses, tell them how smart they are, what an amazing imagination they have, and how proud you are that they are growing so well.  Also once you are done, thank them that they will now quietly go to their room and clean up and finish their homework for the night because they are so good and smart and strong.  It's amazing how just taking that amount of your precious time out of your day can be returned to you in the form of a calmer, happier, more obedient child who wants to please you even more.

Of course there is a time they need to be quiet and get their work done and to respect your need for quiet as well, but if their basic need for your undivided attention and sincere praise isn't met a few times during the day, though you punish and criticize them, but you will never have a peaceful child under your roof.

My youngest is 12, and he still needs those moments, but the reward of a loving son who is a joy to have around is worth all the effort.   Don't know what to say when asked about aliens in your basement?  Email me to receive expert advice...

Smart Aleck Kids

Nothing makes me want to slap someone as much as a smart aleck kid.  Sorry, I know that sounds horribly violent but don't worry, I promise not to smack your child even though I may feel like it.  It's just when I see a child act disrespectfully towards their parents and other adults I see a harmful spirit that has the power to destroy so much of that child's life unless it is stopped.  I have no problem with punishing children when it's done right, but the problem of being disrespectful has a root that needs to be dealt with, that punishment alone is not going to resolve.

Teenagers that roll their eyes, make snide remarks and always have to answer back to their parents are, believe it or not, looking for a strong example of a parent to look up to.  They may not be balking at your firm hand of discipline as much as the fact that they feel unsure of your authority.  Parents can give very conflicting messages:  "I have slept around with a lot of guys, your father was a loser just like your brother's father, but don't you dare go out to that party with those boys tonight!"  Or the mom who is always trying to cut corners at work, gossips constantly about her boss and her neighbors, eats like a slob and shouts at her son, "What kind of grades are these?  All you do is text your friends and your homework is a mess!"  If you've ignored their emotional needs, sent them off to school for others to teach and raise, had no time to invest in shaping their lives as they've grown, you've created your own monster.

Do you want your kids to respect you?  You should, for everyone's sake.  But if they see that you are unstable, insecure, hypocritical and inconsistent with what you say you believe in, they feel frustrated that they don't have a mom they can rely on.

If a mom has failed at teaching her children well by example, and now has to deal with teens with a bad attitude, it's not too late to change.  They will always long to have a home where they can safely rest knowing that you lead with God's wisdom, order and confidence - they'll never put that into words, but all children desire that from their patents.

First of all, face up to your own hypocrisy.  Talk to them about the mistakes you've made: the promiscuity, the gossip, the lying, the selfishness, the ignorance etc.  And then truly change.  Show that you are not that person any more and that because of your faith in God, you will never return to that old life.  Don't allow them to use your hypocritical behavior as an excuse to disrespect you.  If you are sincere and show them how useless a life like that was by acting completely different than you used to, they will begin to feel a measure of respect even if they don't show it right away.  If you stubbornly defend yourself, you lose.

Secondly, make it clear that any talk or behavior that cuts others down is totally unacceptable.  From you all the way down to the youngest, words that are spoken to each other should be pleasant and encouraging, even when you're showing that you're unhappy with what they've done.  Hateful arguments between the kids where they throw out angry words has to stop.  Completely.  Maybe you've always treated that as their right to "express themselves" - maybe they even learned it from you - but even if no curse words are being said, curses are still flying through all the negative, destructive things that are being said in a moment of anger.  Selfishness cannot exist in your home, and apologizing should be a natural occurrence, from forgetting to take out the trash to apologizing for any unkindness.  If you have taken the first step of changing and are doing it with all your heart, you have the moral authority to enforce the second step, and with punishment included for those who don't obey.

Yes, they will complain, they'll try to test the boundaries and try to throw your past in your face as if you were still the same person that you once were.  But stand your ground.  Reinforce to your kids that you are not that old person, that you learned your lessons and have changed by God's power, which is why everything at home needs to change too.  But act swiftly every time you see that attitude of selfishness and rebellion rise up in any of them, and the punishment should be appropriate for their age and what stings the most.  Spanking a 14 year old may work for some, but confiscating their cell phone might hurt even worse - or grounding, or extra chores - God will inspire you to choose what's right.  And then when those bad attitudes subside, even for the moment, be sure to praise them, hug them and reward them in some way that they'll be able to see that a loving home is so much better than one in conflict.

Kids with bad attitudes developed them over time and as a reaction to the confusion of your life.  It will take time to undo all of that negativity, but if done with prayer, with God's leading and with a faith that He will do the supernatural as you do your best in the natural, changes will come much sooner than you may think.  The older they get, the window of opportunity narrows.  Once they're adults, healing in this area becomes much harder and more complex, so don't think for a moment that they'll just outgrow it someday.  Make the changes now, and have a happy home for the rest of the time you have them under your roof.

Leadership Tips for Mothers

We're back again to topics on parenthood, for all you moms, moms-to-be, teachers and anyone else who needs a little help in getting the little ones to grow up well, here are a few worthwhile bits of advice.  Let me know what areas you'd like to read about.  I may not be an expert, but I've actually done all that I write about, so they're tried and true nuggets of wisdom - well, at least nuggets of common sense!


Dad is the head of the household, no doubt about that.  But because of work responsibilities and time at home, it’s normally mom who takes direct control of the day-to-day decisions when it comes to raising the children.  It’s a great honor to be entrusted with the molding and shaping of your little one’s lives, but at times it requires a will of steel to keep everyone in line.  Being a good leader does not always come naturally, and a few basic pointers can be very helpful for those wise enough to put them into practice.  Here are five of them that you can use right away:

1. Be the visionary – Promote a vision, a direction that you want your home to take and that the children can follow behind.  Do you want your home to be one where God’s Spirit and character are emulated?  That has to be a part of the basis for all you decide to do and make it clear that is the motivation for your decisions.  Getting a good education, doing well on even the smallest jobs, helping with the household chores and showing consideration to others all need to stem from this greater vision of your home.  You are the source of that vision, and if you stray from it, the kids will lose focus and motivation.

2. Be involved – For some mothers, this seems obvious, but sadly others don’t see the need.  Your children’s school and activities don’t exist merely for you to escape from the stress of child-raising, they all play a part in the shaping of your child’s values and character.  You need to be a part of their lives, see who it is they are befriending, know who it is that is influencing them, observe whether they are learning subtle lessons that you don’t approve of, and know about their successes.  Every child feels secure and proud to have mom on the sidelines cheering them on, and will be able to handle any corrections you give because they know that your actions already show how much you care.

3. Keep the Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Show this by your own example as you show kindness to your husband and children and everyone else you come in contact with.  Enforce it as a rule that is even punishable.  Rudeness and selfishness cannot be tolerated.

4. Criticize wisely – Parents who just fly off the handle and yell out of emotion often find that their kids just tune them out the bigger they get.  The pushier you are, the less they listen.  Think carefully of a rational and clear argument to present when disciplining your child.  You can be angry, but be logical and reasonable at the same time.  Most likely they will already know that they are wrong, and will have a harder time arguing back when you have solid facts that speak for themselves.

5. Be quick with encouragement and praise - Acknowledging even small accomplishments can do wonders for a child’s self-esteem and desire to do even better.  Don’t laugh at the mistakes they made while trying their best to do well (the painting of Daddy with six fingers…you know what I mean!)  Remember that every child longs for the approval of his or her parents, and loving praise given will be returned to you with a solid bond of trust.