Manipulations of the "Perfect Wife"

In our marriage courses at church and among the many couples we counsel, a recurring syndrome has been noticed:  the "abusive victim."  I've seen it among husbands, but in my experience, mostly in wives.

She badgers, complains and nags him because he is not getting things done quite right.  She is a "perfectionist" she claims, she loves him dearly and wants to help him improve.  She also knows how to indulge him with lots of loving actions: delicious food, an impeccable home, affection, hugs and kisses, but she knows how to make him feel like trash, that he doesn't deserve any of it.  She reminds him of what a mess he was when she found him, and how she has so generously "fixed" him.  She subtly convinces him he is one lucky, lucky man to have such a perfect wife.

But the nagging is unreasonable and unbearable.  She always has a justification for it, but she makes sure to push his buttons, over and over again.  Until he finally explodes.  He behaves monstrously.  He shouts, he becomes abusive, he punches holes in the walls.  He knows he is a worthless nobody because she reminds him every day by her attitudes, and something inside of him can't bear it any more.  But now what has he done?  He has proven once again that he is a monster, an evil man, unworthy and oh, so fortunate that this wonderful perfect wife whom he has victimized will accept him back home again. So he bows his head in shame and goes back to her, apologizing and torturing himself that he is less than a man.  And the cycle begins all over again.

She has him in a head-lock, and is draining every bit of life from him year by year.  The big question is, how do you show him the lies that he is believing about himself?  How can you encourage him without revealing the manipulations of his "perfect" wife?

It is a reality that some women enjoy seeing their husband fail and suffer, so that he will always be grateful to her for rescuing him like a lost puppy.  It's sadistic but it's true.  The only hope I see for a couple like this is in spiritual warfare, to break the back of this demon of the abusive "victim".

Great Power in Gentleness

Counseling a couple with my husband today reminded me of this old fable by Aesop that I had heard in school.  When dealing with evil, that's the time to be harsh and demand that it leave our lives.  But when dealing with others, especially with the ones we love, loving kindness wins, hands down!  Enjoy,

The North Wind and the Sun


The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness.

"We shall have a contest," said the Sun.

Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.

"As a test of strength," said the Sun, "Let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man."

"It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat," bragged the Wind.

The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat. Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat.  The sun grew slowly brighter and brighter.  Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.

"How did you do that?" said the Wind.

"It was easy," said the Sun, "I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way."

Bringing Home Baby

Mothers Day is on it's way, and my opinion has been that any birthday ought to be a celebration of each mother who brought that child into the world.  Having been through two long, arduous labors, my mind invariably goes back to those hours of birth every time we celebrate a birthday of one of my children.  Now with anyone's birthday, I feel I can relate to whoever's mom had to go though that life-changing experience.

But as everyone supposedly knows at least in theory, the labor has only just begun!  The actual task of caring for and raising a child is no joke.  I ache for the teen-age mothers who come through the doors of our church; children raising children.  Statistically it's a long shot that they'll raise them well.  I recently met a happily married, well-adjusted couple in their 30's who just had their first baby, and it was a touching sight.  Bright, intelligent professionals, successful in their fields, and totally lost when it came to keeping up with their little bundle of energy.  They had that glazed look in their eyes of people who hadn't slept for days, bewildered that a 25 inch person could throw their lives so out of whack.

A mistake that many new mothers make, especially those who have no experience, is to expect their babies to behave in a way that shows appreciation or love right away.  When her baby cries and is inconsolable, she begins to think that the baby dislikes her.  When she looks at her newborn and smiles at him, but he just gives her a blank stare and waves his fists in the air, she feels rejected.  She tries to hold him close, but he kicks and wiggles and doesn't seem interested.  He seems to only want her for her milk, and her expertise in burping him.  She feels "used" and resents him.  He even reminds her of others who treated her badly in the past.

She has no concept of how a baby's body needs time to develop.  How little he is able to coordinate his movements, focus his eyes on any one object, that he's unaware of what a smile is yet, and can barely hold up his own head.  Instead of just loving him despite how he acts, she feels hurt and offended and is unable to bond with this child who needs her so desperately.  She wants him to give her the love that she hoped for by having a baby in the first place, and when she doesn't see it, she withholds her own love.  And the beginnings of a form of abuse begins: neglect.  Her child will soon be starving for love because his mother was too immature and selfish to be a mother in the first place.

There are some things you ought to know before allowing yourself to conceive a child:

1. Becoming a parent only works if you are ready to give and give and give, and not expect anything in return.  Unconditional love is a choice.


2. Be prepared not to have a good night's sleep for at least 2 years.  Some parents are luckier than others, but still - be prepared.


3. Babies cost money - diapers, food, formula, bottles, juice, clothes, car seats, strollers, toys.  Not to mention monthly trips to the pediatrician and any medicine he prescribes.


4. You will feel at times that: You've lost control of your life. Keeping appointments is a monmental endeavor. You will live the rest of your life covered in baby spit and attached to a large diaper bag. Be patient, and enjoy the experience.  This shall pass.


5.  You will feel like you are loosing your memory.  So many things to remember, nap times, feeding times, extra supplies, extra little t-shirts in case of accidents, extra warm cap, blanket, bottle, toys, snacks,  bring the stroller, or not bring the stroller?  And then you wonder why you can't remember where you put the car keys... Every. Single. Day.  Don't worry, this too shall pass.


6.  Your husband (if you are so fortunate to have one) still needs your love, affection and undivided attention at some time during your day.  If you snap at him when he expects anything from you even when you've been drained to the last drop, you are shooting yourself in the foot.  Give, love, and give again.


7. Don't project your own insecurities on your baby.  If he doesn't respond to you the way you hoped, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you/resents you/wishes you weren't his mom.  Babies are totally dependent on you, and their only opinions revolve around the need for food, warmth, sleep, cuddling and a clean diaper.  Give first, and know that in due time, you will really receive.


4. You don't have a baby so that he or she can make you happy.  You're the only person who can make you happy.

Give your mom a special hug and send her the best of your love, because she went through all of this for you.  For those who have been there and done that, congratulations!  And have a wonderful, blessed Mothers Day!

Learned Behavior

They were so cute, little baby wolf cubs waddling around their pen.  Their mother had died and so they were being cared for in a sanctuary set up to both study and raise them to eventually be released back into the wild.  The scientist in the interview had become their surrogate mom, and explained that though they had all the instincts of a wolf, they still needed their mother to teach them how to hunt, to be aware of danger, to work together as a pack, and of course to howl.  So every day a few times a day the scientist would come close to the pen and howl as best she could, and the little cubs would answer back in their tiny high pitched voices with their noses pointed upwards, enjoying themselves completely.  I just wanted to take them out of the TV screen and hug them, they were so lovable!

But isn't it interesting that though God made all creatures with instincts and innate abilities and behavior, we still have to be taught how to use them?  Had the wolves been raised as mere house pets, they would never be able to survive among wolves, and yet because they were meant to be wild, they would never be able to live in a home either.  They had to be taught to be who God created them to be.

I have come to know a good number of young women and men who have grown up in homes that are nothing like a home.  They know something is wrong in their family, yet they have no idea what a happy home is like or if they ever could have one for themselves.  Something inside of them tells them that they were created to live in a loving, supportive environment.  It's instinctive knowledge in all of us that we were created for this.  But generations have passed in these families where addictions, abuse, unfaithfulness and rejection are the norm.  So what do these kids do when they reach adulthood?  What kind of life skills do they have to draw on?

They want a happy home, but it's so easy to look for love from a guy who will sweet talk them for a while, get them pregnant and leave them for another girl.  Now she is doing the same thing that her mother did to her.  She resents this baby that's stealing away her youth, and leaves it with relatives so she can go out partying at night.  He hates his father for abusing his mother and abandoning the family, and then turns into his father's spitting image.  With each generation the image of a faithful marriage becomes more of a fairy-tale.  The concept of being a parent who upholds standards of honesty and integrity, who understands the balance of discipline and selfless love - a vague dream.  The conviction that they should fight to become the person God created them to be - such a foreign idea, it doesn't occur to them that they could be anyone else but what they have learned.

So who will teach them to find themselves?  Where are the sanctuaries to nurture and develop these young, lost minds?  Can it even be done, or have too many generations passed?  Like I mentioned in a past post, when the Son of Man returns, will He find faith on the earth?

500 Days of Stupidity - Moms, please be aware

Movies like "Fiddler on the Roof", one of my all time favorite musicals, gives us a peek at life in the old country when daughters came with dowries and matchmakers arranged the best marriage deals to satisfy all parties involved.  I used to think it was quaint and a sad sort of thing.  But now that I have children, I'm beginning to think that hand-picking their spouse myself would be the perfect solution. (Don't worry guys, a  mom can dream, can't she?)

I just say that because as I look around, I see Jesus' words coming true today more than ever,  "When the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" Christian moms, be aware, the world is encroaching on the values that we think we are instilling in our young ones, sinking their roots into them like crabgrass.  It makes you want to put them in a sealed space-pod and shoot them into the stratosphere until you find the perfect mate for them so they can avoid any more contamination.  But of course, no one wants to be "set up" by their elders any more, no one wants to have anyone meddling in their romantic affairs because it's just not done and it is so very, very, very uncool.

It's so uncool that a movie last summer became a sleeper hit of the season, "(500) Days of Summer".  A guy likes a girl, a lot.  He thinks she's "the one."  Girl likes guy but hates commitment.  Girl flirts, makes sexual overtures, eventually sleeps with and practically moves in with the guy but insists that they are not a "couple."  Girl gets offended when he tries to defend her honor as if he has the right to think she's his girlfriend.  Guy is in love, girl treats him like trash, but says she really likes him. Stupid guy keeps obsessing about stupid girl.  The end.

Hate to spoil it, but that's the movie in a nutshell.  There have been other movies with this sort of message, but few have tried to pretend to be so profound as if they were revealing deep truths about life and love. and millions of people eager to swallow these "truths" paid $60,000,000 at the box office to make it a huge hit.

But there are certain boundaries that were set in place by God, certain age-old truths about relationships that can't be undone just by the fashion of the day.  Girls who flirt and make sensual comments boost a guy's ego, while they degrade themselves in the process.  Wanting to have a boyfriend while having close "guy friends" at the same time undermines trust and proves that they have no idea what a blessing true commitment is.

But you as a mom say, "But that's just kids these days.  This is a different culture."  Yeah, but God doesn't change, and the evil nature of humanity doesn't either.  Don't let the pleas of your daughter to wear revealing clothes, to speak too suggestively to the men she knows, to constantly text and call and throw herself at guys with the excuse that they're "just friends," fool you.  Be the mean one for the moment and say no.  You need to realize that it's time to make some big changes before it's too late.

Christian girls are encouraged to think that they can mix the secular values they find in school and on the screen with their faith.  Maybe they'll won't loose their virginity before marriage, but they sure do enjoy being a tease.  And when they see other young women trying to live a life of purity and integrity, they'll say, "Good for you!" and then laugh at them behind their back because they're such bores.  Wake up and see that the sweet darlings that you thought were such nice church-going girls, have their hearts set on indulging their emotions.  Don't think for a moment that she would never be so false; the influence of this world is too much for anyone who doesn't have an uncompromising faith.  How do you change the desires of her heart?  Only God can do that, but there are steps you can take to lead her in the right direction.  Stay tuned for more.

Meanwhile I'll be in my workshop constructing those space-pods...

Open-minded

One of my Sunday school teacher's used to say, "Yeah, he was so open minded his brains fell out."  Which meant that there are times that the very positive sounding phrase of having an open mind, can actually become an unhealthy extreme.

A class-mate of mind told me once, "I'm a Christian, but I believe that whatever you believe is going to happen after you die, happens.  If you're an atheist, you just stop existing.  If you're a Hindu or Buddhist, you'll be reincarnated in another life.  God is love.  He's open minded..."

Interviewing a student at USC for our church TV program in Los Angeles, I asked one young, very hip philosophical fellow, what he believes God feels about suffering.  He answered, "Who says there's anything wrong with suffering?  I mean it's all in how we perceive reality.  Who's to say that children dying of starvation need to be rescued?  Maybe starvation is a good thing but our society has decided to call it bad."

I know, this guys brains didn't just fall out, they got run over by a truck!  Meanwhile our cameraman starts laughing and says, "Right! Tape up his mouth for two weeks and then he can tell us if starvation is a good thing!"

Isn't it odd that people who boast about being open minded are often those who consider themselves to be so highly intelligent, but can't define what truth is?  Everything is a shade of grey, nothing is black and white, true or false.  Just vague foggy guesses at what feels right at the moment.  

Being open minded isn't enough if it isn't founded firmly on truth.  Some things are black and white, unchangeable, indisputable.  Even when it isn't cool or trendy to believe them, they still stand.  I consider myself open minded, but everything I believe has to be weighed and brought in line to what the Word of God says.  Evil and hell exist.  God and His Kingdom exist.  There is only one way to know God, and there is only one way to overcome evil.  These are truths that can't be ignored.

But some well meaning Christians want to believe that it's okay to put up with a life of misery even though they also believe the verse, "By His stripes we are healed."  Maybe God wants them to suffer. Maybe God sees the good in suffering to purify their faith.  Maybe they've been chosen for a higher calling to suffer more than others because they are so special.  Maybe we should get them to share a room with the guy from USC so they can all philosophize about the wonders of suffering and tell starving children in Ethiopia to just be happy.  Really, is there any difference?

If Jesus died and rose from the dead, the captives in hell we released, the sun couldn't bear to shine, the earth trembled, all nature reacted to the death and resurrection of it's Creator, isn't it logical that if God Himself sacrificed His own life just for us, we would be able to live a new life too?  It's what He promised, but unfortunately few, very few know how to fight to find that new life.  It starts with being angry with the fact that evil has a foothold in our lives - not accepting the evil, or fearing the evil or being in awe of evil - but fighting it with all our faith and strength.   There's no better way to celebrate Jesus' victory and resurrection than making sure that everything He sacrificed for becomes real in our lives.  That takes determination and a laser-like focus. Call me narrow minded, but there's no way else to live.  


 

A Happy Good-bye

My dad just died last Sunday, I'm in LA for the memorial service and to spend time with my mom.  There has been a lot of family get-togethers and I'm happy for the chance to see them all while missing my own dear family so very very much in Houston.

The one thing I don't feel is grief over my dad's passing, strangely enough.  Perhaps it was because I already said good-bye to him when I saw that Alzheimer's disease had already stolen away the father I knew and loved six years ago.  It was so strange to see his sparkling blue eyes, hold his gnarled hands and hear that familiar tenor voice singing old church hymns, and yet know that he was no longer able to hold a rational conversation, or even be fully aware of who I was.  That was the hardest time, because I wanted him to fight back against the disease,  I wanted him to acknowledge that something was wrong and to try his hardest to resist the slow degradation of his brain and eventually his entire body.  But he didn't want to talk about it.  These last two years he could no longer speak, though he could sing along with us strangely enough.  He was confined to a hospital bed or wheelchair and would still look at me with those eyes, though they had turned a bit dull.

Knowing that a bright, intelligent, energetic, hilariously funny and dedicated man who had served God as a missionary in Korea for 35 years, and had continued serving in his church for 12 more years in retirement, had faded into a fog of illness.  It was like watching someone you loved slowly sink and drown into a pit of mud.

But one day I had flown in from England and saw him alone in the hospital.  The doctor said he'd only last a few days.  I spoke to him about some of the deepest concerns in my heart.  I asked forgiveness, I poured out my heart, and I spoke to him about God and His forgiveness. Dad couldn't speak, but his eyes filled with tears and rolled down his cheeks.  He raised his hand to his head as if to ask me to pray for him.  He stared intently at me and made noises, trying to speak.  I prayed strong for him, and he cried.  He squeezed my hand and I kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him.  I felt that I was speaking directly to his soul, that the disease had been pushed to the side and his spirit knew exactly what was going on.  When all was finished, his tears ended.

Something very spiritual and very deep happened that evening.  Though I saw him more times before I left, enjoying our singing and visiting, I was completely at peace knowing that when God was ready to take him home, both he and I were ready.  He lived for another two years, but always in discomfort, trapped in a body and mind that could no longer function.  When I heard the news of his passing after the Sunday morning service, I honestly was so happy for him to be free.

Last Saturday at his memorial service, with their pastor, my brother, my brother-in-law, even myself getting up front to speak or share, it was the most uplifting and happiest funeral I had ever attended.  There really was no room for tears.  He's celebrating his freedom for eternity, and all I can do is smile.