A Healthy Pain

What freedom! To finally come clean and confess a hidden sin/mistake/wrong that was committed!  But the process that leads to it can be so twisted and convoluted, for the one who is looking for a pain-free shortcut.  Instead of a shortcut, they find a long agonizing journey of guilt and oppression that can take years, eating away at their spirit, their body, their mental abilities, their motivation to live. As Proverbs says, bitterness rots the bones...

Why do you suppose that when it's time to do right and expose the darkness of our past, this simple act of speech becomes unbearably frightening?  Imaginations course through our minds:  they'll never understand, you'll become a freak, an outcast, a loser, you'll be castigated and ostracized, and you'll never, ever be looked upon with favor by anyone. ANYONE.  So we bear the hidden guilt and are unaware that the spirit behind that guilt is slowly eating away at our faith and our resolve to follow God.  We become a slave of that dark secret, a protector, as if it were a great treasure.

But the fear of exposing our whole life to the light and letting God and others see the ugliness, is in actuality very short-lived and highly overrated.  Once it's done, it's done, and the healing can begin. Sure you have to talk about it a bit more at times. clarify why you did what you did to those you offended, apologize as many times as it takes, change your habits and your behavior to prove to those whose trust you have broken that you are serious about your change, and hide nothing ever again.  The only real pain involved is felt by your ego, your selfish pride.  A healthy pain, long overdue.

But the freedom, the FREEDOM of honesty and openness of heart between God and you, and all others who have been wronged, is such a reward in itself.  But that's not all that happens.  God can finally begin answering that backlog of your many prayers, because the connection between you and He is clear. The spiritual ulcer that burned holes into your conscience and your soul, is wiped away in one day.

Funny how one of the most powerful life-changing verbs is seen as a cartoon joke - you know, the old crazy street preacher wearing a sign reading: Repent!  But for the few and the courageous who have the guts to actually do it, the joke is turned against all the evil that once dragged them through the mud, and now is under their feet.  Repent! So who's laughing now?

Power hungry girls

I almost had to laugh speaking to the teenage girls in one of our churches on a recent Sunday.  Some had grown up in the church while others had just started attending a few weeks before.  Some had never read a Bible in their lives, and all of them came from unsavory neighborhoods and had seen unspeakable things.  I looked across the classroom of dead-pan faces, girls clad in tight jeans, tight tank-tops or scoop necked t-shirts, just  daring me to say something that they would think even slightly interesting.

It seems that acceptable behavior among teen girls in the ghetto is to show absolutely no regard for adults.  Stare at them, but don't speak to them.  When asked a question, say nothing, don't respond.  The body language is meant to say, "Why should I care about you when I don't even care about myself?  You are meaningless, you are one of THEM."

Thank goodness that I have wised up to the fact that those are just lies they hide behind. None of them really feel that way.  All of them are lonely, afraid, insecure, and desperately in need of care and guidance.  They all wanted to hear what I had to say, but were terrified of showing it.  They've been enslaved to a spirit that threatens to make life miserable if they become open and honest.

But as I talked, I discovered that what they were looking for was not love or acceptance or purpose, but power.  These are girls that wouldn't bat an eye beating up a friend that turned on them.  I know because they told me so, sincerely believing that that was the only way to solve the problem.  Telling them that Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek brought out shrieks of protest.  "What?  Why???!!"  Letting others have the upper hand is unthinkable.  In their lives where drug dealers prowl their streets, where their own relatives have attempted to rape them, where violence at home is the norm, where the school yard is a place of survival of the fittest, the concepts of servanthood and giving to receive are as alien as another galaxy.

If I had a daughter facing danger, I'd want her to be equipped with something powerful to protect her, but what would that be?  I began to speak of the invisible world of God's Spirit that surrounds them, and the power they have over evil in their lives.  Demons are real, unseen forces that provoke violence are our enemy, not the people who we see in front of us.  Their eyes widened as they learned that there was a power that they could use that would keep them safe, and that would fight for them, the power of faith in Jesus and the authority He gives us over evil.  Examples and testimonies made some sit up with excitement, while others squirmed uncomfortably as if something inside of them hated hearing it.

I asked, do you want to have this power?  The only way it can work is if you surrender your life completely to God's Spirit, and let Him control you.  That's when you're under His protection.  Do everything differently, upside down, give before receiving, love those who hate you, believe before your eyes see any change, and learn to face the devil head on with no fear, and drive him out of your life.  Now that's power that can have the after-effects of a nuclear bomb.

They left with different looks on their faces than when they came in.  I challenged them to try it for just one week and tell me what happened.  Let's see if they did.

Manipulations of the "Perfect Wife"

In our marriage courses at church and among the many couples we counsel, a recurring syndrome has been noticed:  the "abusive victim."  I've seen it among husbands, but in my experience, mostly in wives.

She badgers, complains and nags him because he is not getting things done quite right.  She is a "perfectionist" she claims, she loves him dearly and wants to help him improve.  She also knows how to indulge him with lots of loving actions: delicious food, an impeccable home, affection, hugs and kisses, but she knows how to make him feel like trash, that he doesn't deserve any of it.  She reminds him of what a mess he was when she found him, and how she has so generously "fixed" him.  She subtly convinces him he is one lucky, lucky man to have such a perfect wife.

But the nagging is unreasonable and unbearable.  She always has a justification for it, but she makes sure to push his buttons, over and over again.  Until he finally explodes.  He behaves monstrously.  He shouts, he becomes abusive, he punches holes in the walls.  He knows he is a worthless nobody because she reminds him every day by her attitudes, and something inside of him can't bear it any more.  But now what has he done?  He has proven once again that he is a monster, an evil man, unworthy and oh, so fortunate that this wonderful perfect wife whom he has victimized will accept him back home again. So he bows his head in shame and goes back to her, apologizing and torturing himself that he is less than a man.  And the cycle begins all over again.

She has him in a head-lock, and is draining every bit of life from him year by year.  The big question is, how do you show him the lies that he is believing about himself?  How can you encourage him without revealing the manipulations of his "perfect" wife?

It is a reality that some women enjoy seeing their husband fail and suffer, so that he will always be grateful to her for rescuing him like a lost puppy.  It's sadistic but it's true.  The only hope I see for a couple like this is in spiritual warfare, to break the back of this demon of the abusive "victim".

Great Power in Gentleness

Counseling a couple with my husband today reminded me of this old fable by Aesop that I had heard in school.  When dealing with evil, that's the time to be harsh and demand that it leave our lives.  But when dealing with others, especially with the ones we love, loving kindness wins, hands down!  Enjoy,

The North Wind and the Sun


The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness.

"We shall have a contest," said the Sun.

Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.

"As a test of strength," said the Sun, "Let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man."

"It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat," bragged the Wind.

The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat. Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat.  The sun grew slowly brighter and brighter.  Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.

"How did you do that?" said the Wind.

"It was easy," said the Sun, "I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way."

Bringing Home Baby

Mothers Day is on it's way, and my opinion has been that any birthday ought to be a celebration of each mother who brought that child into the world.  Having been through two long, arduous labors, my mind invariably goes back to those hours of birth every time we celebrate a birthday of one of my children.  Now with anyone's birthday, I feel I can relate to whoever's mom had to go though that life-changing experience.

But as everyone supposedly knows at least in theory, the labor has only just begun!  The actual task of caring for and raising a child is no joke.  I ache for the teen-age mothers who come through the doors of our church; children raising children.  Statistically it's a long shot that they'll raise them well.  I recently met a happily married, well-adjusted couple in their 30's who just had their first baby, and it was a touching sight.  Bright, intelligent professionals, successful in their fields, and totally lost when it came to keeping up with their little bundle of energy.  They had that glazed look in their eyes of people who hadn't slept for days, bewildered that a 25 inch person could throw their lives so out of whack.

A mistake that many new mothers make, especially those who have no experience, is to expect their babies to behave in a way that shows appreciation or love right away.  When her baby cries and is inconsolable, she begins to think that the baby dislikes her.  When she looks at her newborn and smiles at him, but he just gives her a blank stare and waves his fists in the air, she feels rejected.  She tries to hold him close, but he kicks and wiggles and doesn't seem interested.  He seems to only want her for her milk, and her expertise in burping him.  She feels "used" and resents him.  He even reminds her of others who treated her badly in the past.

She has no concept of how a baby's body needs time to develop.  How little he is able to coordinate his movements, focus his eyes on any one object, that he's unaware of what a smile is yet, and can barely hold up his own head.  Instead of just loving him despite how he acts, she feels hurt and offended and is unable to bond with this child who needs her so desperately.  She wants him to give her the love that she hoped for by having a baby in the first place, and when she doesn't see it, she withholds her own love.  And the beginnings of a form of abuse begins: neglect.  Her child will soon be starving for love because his mother was too immature and selfish to be a mother in the first place.

There are some things you ought to know before allowing yourself to conceive a child:

1. Becoming a parent only works if you are ready to give and give and give, and not expect anything in return.  Unconditional love is a choice.


2. Be prepared not to have a good night's sleep for at least 2 years.  Some parents are luckier than others, but still - be prepared.


3. Babies cost money - diapers, food, formula, bottles, juice, clothes, car seats, strollers, toys.  Not to mention monthly trips to the pediatrician and any medicine he prescribes.


4. You will feel at times that: You've lost control of your life. Keeping appointments is a monmental endeavor. You will live the rest of your life covered in baby spit and attached to a large diaper bag. Be patient, and enjoy the experience.  This shall pass.


5.  You will feel like you are loosing your memory.  So many things to remember, nap times, feeding times, extra supplies, extra little t-shirts in case of accidents, extra warm cap, blanket, bottle, toys, snacks,  bring the stroller, or not bring the stroller?  And then you wonder why you can't remember where you put the car keys... Every. Single. Day.  Don't worry, this too shall pass.


6.  Your husband (if you are so fortunate to have one) still needs your love, affection and undivided attention at some time during your day.  If you snap at him when he expects anything from you even when you've been drained to the last drop, you are shooting yourself in the foot.  Give, love, and give again.


7. Don't project your own insecurities on your baby.  If he doesn't respond to you the way you hoped, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you/resents you/wishes you weren't his mom.  Babies are totally dependent on you, and their only opinions revolve around the need for food, warmth, sleep, cuddling and a clean diaper.  Give first, and know that in due time, you will really receive.


4. You don't have a baby so that he or she can make you happy.  You're the only person who can make you happy.

Give your mom a special hug and send her the best of your love, because she went through all of this for you.  For those who have been there and done that, congratulations!  And have a wonderful, blessed Mothers Day!

Learned Behavior

They were so cute, little baby wolf cubs waddling around their pen.  Their mother had died and so they were being cared for in a sanctuary set up to both study and raise them to eventually be released back into the wild.  The scientist in the interview had become their surrogate mom, and explained that though they had all the instincts of a wolf, they still needed their mother to teach them how to hunt, to be aware of danger, to work together as a pack, and of course to howl.  So every day a few times a day the scientist would come close to the pen and howl as best she could, and the little cubs would answer back in their tiny high pitched voices with their noses pointed upwards, enjoying themselves completely.  I just wanted to take them out of the TV screen and hug them, they were so lovable!

But isn't it interesting that though God made all creatures with instincts and innate abilities and behavior, we still have to be taught how to use them?  Had the wolves been raised as mere house pets, they would never be able to survive among wolves, and yet because they were meant to be wild, they would never be able to live in a home either.  They had to be taught to be who God created them to be.

I have come to know a good number of young women and men who have grown up in homes that are nothing like a home.  They know something is wrong in their family, yet they have no idea what a happy home is like or if they ever could have one for themselves.  Something inside of them tells them that they were created to live in a loving, supportive environment.  It's instinctive knowledge in all of us that we were created for this.  But generations have passed in these families where addictions, abuse, unfaithfulness and rejection are the norm.  So what do these kids do when they reach adulthood?  What kind of life skills do they have to draw on?

They want a happy home, but it's so easy to look for love from a guy who will sweet talk them for a while, get them pregnant and leave them for another girl.  Now she is doing the same thing that her mother did to her.  She resents this baby that's stealing away her youth, and leaves it with relatives so she can go out partying at night.  He hates his father for abusing his mother and abandoning the family, and then turns into his father's spitting image.  With each generation the image of a faithful marriage becomes more of a fairy-tale.  The concept of being a parent who upholds standards of honesty and integrity, who understands the balance of discipline and selfless love - a vague dream.  The conviction that they should fight to become the person God created them to be - such a foreign idea, it doesn't occur to them that they could be anyone else but what they have learned.

So who will teach them to find themselves?  Where are the sanctuaries to nurture and develop these young, lost minds?  Can it even be done, or have too many generations passed?  Like I mentioned in a past post, when the Son of Man returns, will He find faith on the earth?

500 Days of Stupidity - Moms, please be aware

Movies like "Fiddler on the Roof", one of my all time favorite musicals, gives us a peek at life in the old country when daughters came with dowries and matchmakers arranged the best marriage deals to satisfy all parties involved.  I used to think it was quaint and a sad sort of thing.  But now that I have children, I'm beginning to think that hand-picking their spouse myself would be the perfect solution. (Don't worry guys, a  mom can dream, can't she?)

I just say that because as I look around, I see Jesus' words coming true today more than ever,  "When the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" Christian moms, be aware, the world is encroaching on the values that we think we are instilling in our young ones, sinking their roots into them like crabgrass.  It makes you want to put them in a sealed space-pod and shoot them into the stratosphere until you find the perfect mate for them so they can avoid any more contamination.  But of course, no one wants to be "set up" by their elders any more, no one wants to have anyone meddling in their romantic affairs because it's just not done and it is so very, very, very uncool.

It's so uncool that a movie last summer became a sleeper hit of the season, "(500) Days of Summer".  A guy likes a girl, a lot.  He thinks she's "the one."  Girl likes guy but hates commitment.  Girl flirts, makes sexual overtures, eventually sleeps with and practically moves in with the guy but insists that they are not a "couple."  Girl gets offended when he tries to defend her honor as if he has the right to think she's his girlfriend.  Guy is in love, girl treats him like trash, but says she really likes him. Stupid guy keeps obsessing about stupid girl.  The end.

Hate to spoil it, but that's the movie in a nutshell.  There have been other movies with this sort of message, but few have tried to pretend to be so profound as if they were revealing deep truths about life and love. and millions of people eager to swallow these "truths" paid $60,000,000 at the box office to make it a huge hit.

But there are certain boundaries that were set in place by God, certain age-old truths about relationships that can't be undone just by the fashion of the day.  Girls who flirt and make sensual comments boost a guy's ego, while they degrade themselves in the process.  Wanting to have a boyfriend while having close "guy friends" at the same time undermines trust and proves that they have no idea what a blessing true commitment is.

But you as a mom say, "But that's just kids these days.  This is a different culture."  Yeah, but God doesn't change, and the evil nature of humanity doesn't either.  Don't let the pleas of your daughter to wear revealing clothes, to speak too suggestively to the men she knows, to constantly text and call and throw herself at guys with the excuse that they're "just friends," fool you.  Be the mean one for the moment and say no.  You need to realize that it's time to make some big changes before it's too late.

Christian girls are encouraged to think that they can mix the secular values they find in school and on the screen with their faith.  Maybe they'll won't loose their virginity before marriage, but they sure do enjoy being a tease.  And when they see other young women trying to live a life of purity and integrity, they'll say, "Good for you!" and then laugh at them behind their back because they're such bores.  Wake up and see that the sweet darlings that you thought were such nice church-going girls, have their hearts set on indulging their emotions.  Don't think for a moment that she would never be so false; the influence of this world is too much for anyone who doesn't have an uncompromising faith.  How do you change the desires of her heart?  Only God can do that, but there are steps you can take to lead her in the right direction.  Stay tuned for more.

Meanwhile I'll be in my workshop constructing those space-pods...